Here’s an uncomfortable truth: people are searching for answers about sexless relationships. In fact, the term “sexless marriage” gets searched online more often than “unhappy marriage” or even “loveless marriage.”
It’s a tricky topic, partly because what one person considers a sexless relationship, another might see as perfectly normal. After all, everyone has different needs and desires when it comes to intimacy.
But when the lack of sex becomes a source of unhappiness, it can damage both partners and the relationship itself. It can leave one or both partners feeling unwanted, unloved, and disconnected.
So, how do you know if you’re in a sexless relationship? And more importantly, what can you do about it? This article will explore what defines a sexless relationship, what causes it, and the warning signs to look out for. We’ll also give you actionable tips on how to get out of a sexless relationship — whether that means reigniting the spark or making the tough choice to move on.
What is a sexless relationship, anyway?
There’s no real consensus about what “sexless” truly means when it comes to relationships. A lot depends on your own libido and what you’re hoping for in your relationship.
Some experts use metrics like frequency and duration to define a sexless relationship. They might say a relationship is sexless if a couple has sex less than 10 times a year or if there’s no physical intimacy for a year or more. But just because a couple isn’t having sex often doesn’t mean they’re not happy.
There’s more to intimacy than just sex. Physical intimacy, like holding hands, cuddling, and kissing, is important. So is emotional intimacy, which means sharing your feelings, being vulnerable, and trusting each other.
A truly fulfilling relationship needs both physical and emotional connection. When one or both of those things are missing, it can lead to problems.
Why does a relationship become sexless?
You might be surprised at the number of reasons why a couple might stop having sex. Some of the causes are easier to fix than others, but it’s important to understand the underlying reason why the lack of sex has occurred.
Physical and medical factors
Illness and chronic pain can take a toll on libido and physical ability. Side effects of certain medications can lower sexual desire. Hormonal changes, like menopause and andropause, can also affect sex drive.
Psychological and emotional factors
Stress and anxiety from life events can reduce desire. Depression can cause a loss of interest in activities, including sex. Low self-esteem, particularly regarding body image, can create feelings of inadequacy that make it hard to be intimate.
Relationship dynamics
Poor communication makes it hard for partners to express their needs and desires. Sometimes, it’s easier to avoid sex than to deal with hurt feelings. Unresolved conflict, resentment, and anger can all negatively impact intimacy. And sometimes couples fall into “roommate syndrome,” where they lose their romantic connection and intimacy.
Differing libidos
It’s normal for partners to have different levels of desire. But it’s important to acknowledge the imbalance and find a compromise. When one partner constantly desires sex more or less often than the other, it can lead to feelings of rejection or pressure. Finding a middle ground that satisfies both partners is essential for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.
If you’re in a sexless relationship, it’s important to identify the underlying causes and address them. Communication, compromise, and seeking professional help can all be beneficial in reigniting the spark and rebuilding intimacy.
What happens when you’re in a sexless relationship?
The impact of a sexless relationship can be profound, affecting both your emotional and psychological well-being and the overall health of your relationship.
Emotional and psychological effects
A lack of sexual intimacy can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment as you feel unfulfilled and neglected. It can also take a toll on your self-esteem and confidence, leaving you feeling unattractive or unwanted. Over time, this can increase the risk of depression and anxiety.
Impact on the relationship
Sex is more than just physical. It’s a key component of intimacy and connection. When sex fades, emotional distance can grow between partners, leading to increased conflict and arguments fueled by tension surrounding the lack of sexual activity. Sadly, this can even create a risk of infidelity as one or both partners seek intimacy and connection outside the relationship. One study revealed that 48% of men admitted that emotional dissatisfaction was the primary reason for their cheating.
The importance of oxytocin
Sex and physical touch release oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” which plays a vital role in bonding and trust between partners. It also releases endorphins, which contribute to feelings of well-being and pleasure. When a relationship lacks sex, you miss out on these important chemical connections that help sustain emotional closeness and happiness.
When to try to fix it: Strategies for reviving intimacy
So, your relationship is sexless. Now what? Is it time to throw in the towel, or can you reignite that spark? Here are some strategies to try before giving up:
Open and honest communication
This is paramount. You need to be able to talk to each other about what’s going on, without blame or judgment. That means:
- Creating a safe space: Discuss your needs and desires without fear of criticism. It’s about expressing yourselves, not attacking each other.
- Active listening and empathy: Really try to understand your partner’s perspective. What are their fears? What are their needs? Put yourself in their shoes.
- The 90-minute rule: Relationship experts often recommend dedicating at least 90 minutes a week to focused conversation. Put away the phones, turn off the TV, and just talk. Really talk.
Seeking professional help
Sometimes, you can’t do it alone. Don’t be afraid to bring in a professional. Consider these options:
- Marriage counseling: This can help you address underlying relationship issues that might be contributing to the sexless situation.
- Sex therapy: A sex therapist can help you address specific sexual concerns, improve communication about sex, and explore new ways to connect intimately.
- Individual therapy: Sometimes, individual issues like anxiety, depression, or past trauma can impact sexual desire. Individual therapy can help address these personal challenges.
Re-igniting the spark
Think back to what made your relationship exciting in the beginning. How can you recapture some of that magic? Try these approaches:
- Scheduling intimacy: It might sound unromantic, but scheduling time for connection and sex can actually be helpful, especially when life gets busy.
- Experimentation and exploration: Try new things! Explore different positions, toys, or even locations to increase excitement and novelty.
- Focusing on foreplay: Don’t rush into sex. Spend time on foreplay to enhance pleasure and connection.
Addressing underlying issues
Often, a sexless relationship is a symptom of deeper problems. Consider these areas:
- Stress management: Stress and anxiety can kill libido. Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature.
- Improving physical health: Exercise, a healthy diet, and addressing any underlying medical conditions can all improve sexual desire and function.
- Rekindling romance: Remember those early days of dating? Make an effort to date your partner again. Show affection, create special moments, and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place, exploring the different types of love that exist.
When to walk away: Signs it’s time to consider separation
I know you don’t want to hear this, but sometimes a sexless relationship is a sign that the relationship itself is beyond repair. If you’ve tried everything else, it might be time to face the music and consider whether staying is doing more harm than good. Here are some red flags:
Unwillingness to work on the issue
If your partner refuses to even admit there’s a problem, that’s a huge hurdle. A relationship takes two, and if one person isn’t invested in fixing things, it’s an uphill battle. Similarly, if they’re resistant to therapy or counseling, it could be a sign they’re not truly committed to finding a solution.
Fundamental incompatibility
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you might discover you’re just not sexually compatible. If your desires and preferences are consistently mismatched and you can’t find a middle ground, it might be a sign you’re better off apart. It’s also worth considering whether your values and goals align when it comes to intimacy and relationship needs. If you’re fundamentally on different pages, it can be tough to build a fulfilling connection.
Toxic relationship dynamics
Abuse, control, or constant conflict are never okay. If your relationship has become unsafe or unhealthy, particularly if you suspect you are in a narcissist relationship, it’s time to prioritize your well-being and consider leaving. Constant fighting and resentment can erode any love and respect that might have once been there. If you can’t find a way to communicate positively and resolve conflicts constructively, it’s a sign the relationship is deeply troubled.
Infidelity as a symptom
An affair, whether emotional or physical, can be a sign of deeper problems in the relationship. If your partner has been unfaithful and shows no remorse or willingness to address the underlying issues that led to it, it might be a sign the relationship is beyond repair. Infidelity can shatter trust and create lasting damage, making it difficult to rebuild a healthy connection.
Navigating the decision to leave
Leaving a relationship is never easy, but it may be the right choice for you. Here’s how to navigate that decision:
Seeking support
Consider individual or couples therapy to help you sort through your emotions. You could also join a support group, where you can connect with people who understand what you’re going through. And don’t hesitate to lean on trusted friends and family for support.
Legal and financial considerations
Before making any final decisions, consult with an attorney to understand your legal rights and options. It’s also important to assess the financial implications of separation or divorce. A financial planner can help you navigate these challenges.
Prioritizing your well-being
During this difficult time, it’s essential to focus on your physical and emotional health. Practice self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from further emotional harm.
Remember, you deserve to be in a fulfilling and loving relationship. If you’ve exhausted all efforts to improve your sexless relationship, it may be time to consider moving on, perhaps evaluating your desires for a committed relationship vs marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it unhealthy to have a sexless relationship?
Whether a sexless relationship is “unhealthy” really depends on the individuals involved. For some couples, a less frequent sex life is perfectly acceptable and doesn’t impact their overall happiness or connection. They might prioritize other forms of intimacy and find fulfillment in those areas. However, for other couples, a lack of sexual intimacy can lead to feelings of disconnection, resentment, and frustration. If one or both partners are unhappy with the situation, it can certainly strain the relationship. It’s all about open communication and whether both partners feel their needs are being met, sexually or otherwise. What is healthy for one couple may be damaging to another.
Can sexless relationships survive?
Absolutely, sexless relationships can survive! But survival hinges on a few key factors. First, both partners need to be on the same page about the lack of sex and understand why it’s happening. Second, they need to find other ways to connect emotionally and physically, whether it’s through cuddling, spending quality time together, or engaging in shared hobbies. Open and honest communication is crucial. If both partners are willing to work on the relationship, address any underlying issues (like stress, health concerns, or mismatched libidos), and prioritize other forms of intimacy, a sexless relationship can be a happy and fulfilling one. However, if the lack of sex is causing significant distress or resentment, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor might be necessary to navigate the challenges and determine the best path forward for the relationship.
Conclusion
Sexless relationships are complicated, and there’s no easy answer that works for everyone. Every situation is different, and there are so many reasons why a couple might lose their sexual connection.
Whether you’re trying to rekindle the flame or deciding whether to move on, communication and self-awareness are essential. You have to be honest with yourself and your partner about what you need and what you’re willing to do.
Your happiness and well-being are important, and it’s okay to prioritize them.