Narcissism is a personality disorder marked by an outsized sense of self-importance, a need for constant admiration, and a lack of empathy. Covert narcissism is a more subtle, insidious form of narcissism characterized by a fragile ego, hypersensitivity to criticism, and passive-aggressive behavior.
Empaths are highly sensitive people who can understand and share the feelings of others. They’re often highly intuitive and compassionate, and they tend to absorb the emotions of those around them.
When a covert narcissist and empath come together, the relationship has the potential for exploitation and emotional harm. The dynamic between a covert narcissist and empath can be complex and destructive, so it’s important to understand the signs.
What are the characteristics of a covert narcissist?
Covert narcissists can be tough to spot. Their traits are a lot more subtle than those of an overt narcissist. They don’t come right out and brag about how great they are. Instead, they’re more likely to play the victim and act like everyone is out to get them.
Subtle grandiosity and entitlement
Like all narcissists, covert narcissists have a sense of superiority, but they express it in a quieter way. They might downplay their achievements while fishing for compliments. They feel like they deserve special treatment and get really bitter when they don’t get it.
A big part of how they see themselves is as a victim. They tend to paint themselves as victims of bad luck or other people’s bad behavior. This gets them sympathy and helps them control people.
Hypersensitivity to criticism and rejection
Covert narcissists are super sensitive to anything that feels like a slight or criticism, even if it’s not meant that way. They might get defensive, angry, or just shut down, potentially leading to emotional abandonment. They’re terrified of being rejected or abandoned, and that fear drives a lot of their manipulative behavior.
Passive-aggressive behavior and manipulation
Covert narcissists are masters of passive-aggression. They might give you the silent treatment, be sarcastic, or just drag their feet on things. They use guilt trips, play the victim, and use emotional blackmail to get their way and control the people around them, which can be red flags in a relationship, especially with a dominant woman.
The empath: wired to give and connect
Empaths are highly sensitive people, with a strong ability to sense what others feel, which can be associated with dark feminine energy traits. They are often deeply compassionate, and they are drawn to helping those who are hurting.
High empathy and compassion
Empaths can easily understand and share the feelings of others. They have a strong desire to help and heal. Because empaths have so much compassion, they sometimes end up in relationships with people who take advantage of them.
Boundary weakness and people-pleasing tendencies
Empaths often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They tend to put others’ needs before their own, and they may go to great lengths to avoid upsetting others.
People-pleasing is a common characteristic of empaths. They may fear conflict and try to avoid it at all costs, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or desires.
Susceptibility to emotional overload
Empaths can easily become overwhelmed by the emotions of others, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and fatigue. They need to protect their energy and set boundaries.
It is essential that they practice self-care and find ways to recharge their batteries. Solitude can be very helpful to empaths, as it allows them to disconnect from the emotions of others and reconnect with their own feelings. Setting boundaries is also critical, as it helps empaths avoid becoming overwhelmed by the needs of others.
The Toxic Dynamic: Why Covert Narcissists Target Empaths
The dance between a covert narcissist and an empath is often a heartbreaking one, built on a foundation of manipulation and unmet needs. It’s a connection that, while seemingly magnetic at first, inevitably leads to pain and disillusionment.
The Covert Narcissist’s Need for Supply
At the heart of the covert narcissist’s behavior lies the concept of “narcissistic supply.” This is the constant need for admiration, attention, and validation that these individuals require to regulate their fragile self-esteem. They’re like emotional vampires, constantly seeking to drain others of their positive energy. Empaths, with their natural compassion and willingness to give, become an ideal source of this supply. The covert narcissist expertly exploits the empath’s empathy, drawing on their kindness to fuel their own ego.
The Empath’s Desire to Heal and Fix
Empaths are wired to nurture and heal. They often possess a deep-seated desire to help those who are hurting. This innate compassion can, unfortunately, blind them to the covert narcissist’s manipulative behavior. The empath may see the narcissist as a wounded soul, someone in desperate need of their care and understanding. They might rationalize the narcissist’s actions, making excuses for their hurtful words and behaviors, trapped in a cycle of abuse and codependency.
The Cycle of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard
The relationship typically unfolds in a predictable, yet devastating, pattern: idealization, devaluation, and discard. Initially, the covert narcissist lavishes the empath with attention and affection, creating a whirlwind romance that feels too good to be true. This “love bombing” is a tactic designed to quickly secure the empath’s trust and dependence. However, this phase is short-lived. The narcissist eventually begins to devalue the empath, subtly criticizing, belittling, and manipulating them. This can involve passive-aggressive comments, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal. Finally, the covert narcissist may discard the empath, either abruptly or gradually, leaving them feeling confused, hurt, and utterly betrayed. The empath is left to pick up the pieces, wondering what went wrong and struggling to understand the toxic dynamic they were caught in.
Recognizing the Signs of Abuse and Manipulation
If you suspect you’re involved with a covert narcissist, it’s important to recognize the signs of abuse and manipulation. Here are some red flags to look for in the relationship:
- Constant criticism and belittling, even if it’s subtle.
- Gaslighting, where they deny your reality and make you question your sanity.
- Emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping to get you to do what they want.
- Isolation from friends and family, so they can control you more easily.
- Feeling drained and depleted after interacting with them.
Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Pay attention to those warning signs your intuition is sending you.
Covert narcissists are masters of disguise, but their behavior often includes:
- Subtle put-downs disguised as jokes (“I’m just teasing!”).
- Backhanded compliments (“That’s a brave outfit choice!”).
- Playing the victim to gain sympathy and manipulate you.
- Shifting blame and responsibility for their actions onto you.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. If you’re experiencing these behaviors, it’s time to take a step back and assess the situation.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a covert narcissist “disguised” as an empath?
The term “disguised” is a bit strong, but it captures the essence of how a covert narcissist operates. Unlike overt narcissists who openly crave admiration, covert narcissists often present as sensitive, understanding, and even victimized. They may feign empathy to manipulate others and gain sympathy, using their “understanding” to subtly control and exploit those around them. They might appear selfless, but their actions are ultimately driven by a need for validation and control, often masked by self-pity and passive-aggression.
What is the root cause of covert narcissism?
The root cause of covert narcissism, like other forms of narcissism, is complex and multifaceted. It typically stems from early childhood experiences, such as emotional neglect, inconsistent parenting, or feeling unseen and unvalidated. These experiences can lead to a fragile sense of self, where the individual develops a need for external validation to compensate for their internal emptiness and insecurity. The covert presentation often arises from a fear of direct confrontation or rejection, leading them to adopt more subtle, manipulative tactics to get their needs met.
What happens when a narcissist meets a “super empath?”
The dynamic between a narcissist and a “super empath” is often intense and destructive. Initially, the narcissist may be drawn to the empath’s caring nature and ability to provide unconditional support and validation. However, the narcissist’s insatiable need for attention and control can quickly overwhelm the empath, leading to emotional exhaustion and burnout. The empath may try to “fix” or heal the narcissist, but their efforts are usually futile. Eventually, the empath may realize the relationship is toxic and choose to distance themselves, which can trigger a narcissistic rage in the narcissist.
Final Thoughts
If you’re an empath, it’s critical to be aware of your own needs and to treat yourself with compassion. Start by recognizing that your needs matter, and that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.
Setting healthy boundaries is also essential. That means learning to say no and protecting your energy, even from people you care about.
Don’t be afraid to seek support from therapists, support groups, or trusted friends and family. Breaking the cycle of silence and isolation is a powerful step toward healing.
Remember, healing is possible. You can reclaim your life and find healthy, fulfilling relationships where you’re valued and respected. It’s time to empower yourself to make that happen.