Relationships are built on mutual trust and respect, so any behavior that attempts to control a partner’s actions, thoughts, or feelings can be incredibly damaging. But sometimes, it can be hard to recognize controlling behavior in ourselves.
That’s where the “Am I Controlling?” quiz comes in. It’s designed to help you take an honest look at your actions within your relationship. Are you truly partnering with your loved one, or are you trying to steer the ship all by yourself?
Self-awareness is the first step toward change, and this quiz can help you discover how your actions might be affecting your relationship. This article will give you the opportunity to take the “Am I Controlling in My Relationship Quiz,” discuss common controlling behaviors, and offer strategies to stop controlling behavior.
The “Am I Controlling?” Quiz: A Self-Assessment
Okay, time for a little honest self-reflection. This isn’t a scientific instrument, but answering these questions thoughtfully can give you some clues about whether you might be exhibiting controlling behaviors in your relationship. Remember, honesty is key!
Quiz Questions: A Closer Look
Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:
- Do you often dictate what your partner does, who they spend time with, how they dress, and more?
- Are you always quick to criticize?
- Are you isolating your partner from their friends and family by not wanting them to focus on these relationships or asking them to spend more time with you instead?
- Do you always want to know where they are, checking up on them all day long?
- Do you often look through their phone or social media accounts?
- Do you feel uncomfortable with your partner making decisions or doing things without you?
- Do you ask a lot of questions to the point of smothering your partner?
- Do you often make your partner feel guilty by blaming them for your problems?
- Do you often find yourself giving your partner the silent treatment as a punishment or when they don’t do as you tell them?
- Do you often become defensive at the smallest sign of conflict?
Interpreting Your Results
Count up the number of “yes” answers. The more “yes” answers you have, the more likely it is that you have controlling tendencies in your relationship. But before you panic, remember this isn’t a definitive diagnosis. It’s simply a starting point for some deeper self-reflection.
If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, it might be time to explore why you feel the need to control your partner and what you can do to build a healthier, more balanced relationship. Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you understand your behaviors and develop healthier relationship patterns.
What is “controlling behavior,” anyway?
In a healthy relationship, both partners respect each other’s independence and decision-making abilities. They value each other’s opinions and support each other’s goals, even when those goals differ. A healthy partnership allows for compromise, but it’s not about one person dictating what the other can and cannot do.
Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to undermine that independent decision-making. It can include:
- telling you what you can and can’t do
- isolating you from your friends and family
- excessively checking up on you, demanding to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing
- monitoring your phone, email, and social media accounts
Controlling behavior is all about violating boundaries and taking away your autonomy. It is not the same as healthy influence, where two partners mutually influence each other and find ways to compromise. Controlling behavior is manipulative and creates an imbalance of power.
What causes controlling behavior?
Often, controlling behavior is rooted in fear. Maybe the person is afraid of abandonment or doesn’t trust their partner. Personal insecurities and past experiences, such as witnessing controlling behavior in childhood, can also contribute.
It’s important to understand that these underlying issues don’t excuse controlling behavior, but they can help explain it. Addressing these root causes, often with the help of a therapist, is essential for lasting change. Without it, the controlling behavior is likely to continue, damaging the relationship and the well-being of both partners.
Recognizing the Warning Signs
Controlling behavior can be subtle and insidious, making it difficult to recognize, especially when you’re in the middle of it. Here are some warning signs that your partner might be attempting to exert unhealthy control over you:
- Isolation from friends and family. Controlling people often try to isolate you from your support system. They might discourage you from seeing your loved ones, make you feel guilty for spending time with them, or create conflict whenever you do.
- Constant criticism and belittling. A controlling person will tear you down to build themselves up. They might criticize your appearance, your intelligence, your choices, or your abilities to undermine your self-esteem and make you dependent on them.
- Monitoring and surveillance. Do they constantly check your phone, demand to know your location, or question you about your activities? This constant monitoring is a sign of a controlling personality.
- Gaslighting and manipulation. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone tries to make you doubt your sanity or perception of reality. They might deny things they said or did, twist your words, or try to convince you that you’re imagining things.
- Financial control. Money is a common tool for control. Does your partner restrict your access to money, control how you spend it, or make you feel guilty for spending money on yourself? This is a major red flag.
Taking Action: How to Stop Being Controlling
So, you’ve taken the quiz and you’ve realized you might be exhibiting controlling behaviors. That’s okay! Recognizing the problem is the first step toward a healthier relationship. Here’s what you can do:
- Acknowledge the Problem: Seriously, this is huge. Admitting to yourself that you have a tendency toward controlling behavior is often the hardest part.
- Address Underlying Issues: Controlling behavior often stems from deeper insecurities and fears. What are you really afraid of? What are you trying to protect? Dig deep and consider therapy if needed.
- Communicate with Your Partner: This is crucial. Practice open and honest communication. And more importantly, listen. Actively listen to your partner’s feelings and perspectives without interrupting or getting defensive.
- Practice Empathy: Try to truly understand your partner’s point of view. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone was trying to dictate your choices?
- Let Go of the Need for Control: This is a big one. Accept that you cannot, and should not, control another person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. Your partner is their own person. Focus on controlling your own behavior and reactions. Instead of trying to change them, focus on supporting them.
- Develop Trust: Work on building trust in your partner and the relationship. Be reliable, be honest, and be consistent in your actions. Trust is earned, and it’s the foundation of a healthy, balanced relationship.
It’s a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work towards a more equitable and fulfilling relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are examples of controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior can manifest in various ways. It might include dictating who your partner can spend time with, constantly checking their phone or social media, demanding to know their whereabouts at all times, manipulating them with guilt or threats, or making decisions for them without their input. Financial control, such as limiting access to money, is another common tactic. The key is that one partner consistently tries to exert power and limit the other’s autonomy.
What is the root cause of a controlling person?
The root cause of controlling behavior is often deep-seated insecurity and fear. Individuals who try to control their partners may have experienced trauma, abandonment, or a lack of trust in past relationships. They may fear losing their partner or being hurt, leading them to attempt to control the situation to feel safe and secure. Sometimes, it can also stem from learned behavior or societal norms that reinforce power imbalances in relationships.
Is it OK to be a little controlling in a relationship?
No, it’s generally not okay to be “a little controlling” in a relationship. Even seemingly minor controlling behaviors can erode trust and create an unhealthy dynamic. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, equality, and open communication, not on one partner exerting power over the other. Any attempt to control your partner’s choices or behavior is a red flag.
Am I toxic in my relationship?
If you’re questioning whether you’re toxic in your relationship, it’s a sign that you’re open to self-reflection, which is a positive first step. Toxic behavior often involves patterns of negativity, manipulation, disrespect, and control. If you find yourself consistently engaging in these behaviors, it’s important to seek help from a therapist or counselor to understand the underlying issues and learn healthier relationship patterns.
In Closing
Hopefully, this article has given you some insight into whether you’re exhibiting controlling behaviors in your relationship. It’s important to be self-aware and address any underlying issues that might be contributing to these behaviors. Remember that strategies like open communication, empathy, and respecting your partner’s boundaries can help you stop controlling behavior in its tracks.
A healthy, non-controlling relationship is built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. This kind of relationship is likely to bring you and your partner more happiness and fulfillment than one based on control.
If you’re struggling with controlling behavior or having relationship issues, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance and support as you work towards building a healthier, more balanced relationship.