Abandonment trauma develops as a result of severe neglect or harm, including physical and emotional abandonment — whether it was intentional or not.
The trauma of abandonment can have a lasting impact on mental and emotional well-being.
For example, childhood abandonment trauma can lead to attachment issues, a fear of abandonment, and an increased risk of mental health conditions later in life.
Even perceived abandonment — a parent working long hours to provide for the family or a parent being emotionally unavailable — can have a lasting impact on a child.
What does abandonment trauma look like? What are the signs and symptoms? What are some steps you can take to heal?
This article takes a closer look at abandonment trauma, including the causes, symptoms, and coping mechanisms.
What is abandonment trauma?
Abandonment trauma isn’t just about physical desertion. It’s the deep-seated emotional and psychological pain that comes from feeling left behind, emotionally neglected, hurt, or abandoned. These feelings can be triggered by actual events or by your perception of those events, even if the abandonment wasn’t intentional.
It’s important to understand the difference between abandonment trauma and abandonment issues. Think of trauma as the deeply impactful experience itself, or a series of experiences. Abandonment issues, on the other hand, are the patterns of behavior and thought that develop as a result of that trauma. Trauma is the root; the issues are the branches that grow from it.
What causes abandonment trauma?
Abandonment trauma can stem from various experiences, particularly those that involve the real or perceived loss of emotional or physical support. These experiences can occur in childhood or adulthood and significantly impact a person’s sense of security and self-worth.
Childhood experiences
- Emotionally unavailable parent/guardian. A child may experience abandonment trauma if their parent or guardian is consistently emotionally unresponsive or fails to provide adequate emotional support.
- Childhood neglect. Neglect, whether physical or emotional, can create a deep sense of insecurity and abandonment.
- Family instability. Frequent moves, parental conflict, or a chaotic home environment can disrupt a child’s sense of stability and security.
- Death or serious illness of a caregiver. Losing a primary caregiver through death or illness can be a profoundly traumatic experience.
Adult experiences
- Abrupt end of significant relationships. Unexpected breakups or divorces can trigger feelings of abandonment.
- Emotional abandonment in relationships. Feeling consistently unsupported or ignored by a partner can lead to abandonment trauma, potentially creating a toxic relationship.
- Betrayal or infidelity. Experiencing betrayal or infidelity in a relationship can shatter trust and create feelings of abandonment.
How abandonment trauma can affect your mental well-being
Abandonment trauma can have a lasting impact on your mental well-being, whether it occurs in childhood or adulthood.
Childhood abandonment trauma
When abandonment trauma occurs during childhood, it can affect brain development, which can increase your risk of developing mental health conditions later in life. Abandonment can also affect your relationships. Many people who’ve experienced abandonment trauma wind up with an insecure attachment style as a result, such as a dismissive avoidant attachment.
Adult abandonment trauma
When you experience abandonment in adulthood, it can have adverse effects on your relationships, causing you to self-sabotage and develop trust issues. You may have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships as a result.
Abandonment trauma can also raise your risk of developing mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders. Some people who experience abandonment begin using alcohol or drugs as a way to cope.
Signs and symptoms of abandonment trauma
How do you know if you’re experiencing abandonment trauma? Here are some common signs:
Emotional and psychological symptoms
- Fear of being left alone. Do you feel intense anxiety and distress at just the thought of being abandoned?
- Inability to form healthy relationships. Do you have trouble establishing and maintaining close, trusting relationships?
- Anxiety and depression. Are you plagued by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worry?
- Low self-esteem. Is your self-esteem or self-regard low?
Behavioral symptoms
- Clinginess and dependence in relationships. Do you have an excessive need for reassurance and validation from your partners?
- Avoidance of intimacy. Are you scared of vulnerability and emotional closeness?
- Sabotaging relationships. Do you unconsciously push partners away because you’re so afraid of abandonment?
- Performance difficulties. Do you have problems concentrating or functioning effectively at work or school?
If any of these signs resonate with you, it might be helpful to seek professional support to address potential abandonment trauma.
How abandonment trauma can affect your relationships
If you’re walking around with a deep-seated fear of abandonment, it can seep into your relationships and make them hard to navigate. Here are a few ways that fear can manifest itself:
- Avoidance of intimacy. You might subconsciously keep others at arm’s length to avoid the pain of a future hurt.
- Difficulty trusting others. Past abandonment can make it hard to believe that others will be there for you consistently.
- Jealousy and possessiveness. These behaviors can stem from the fear of losing your partner to someone else.
- Sabotaging relationships. Self-sabotage can act as a preemptive strike against potential abandonment. If you push someone away first, you reason, it won’t hurt as much when they leave.
What you can do to cope with abandonment trauma
It’s important to remember that healing from abandonment trauma is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you work through these challenges. The following strategies can help:
Self-care strategies
- Mindfulness and meditation. Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help you stay grounded in the present moment, rather than being swept away by anxious thoughts about the past or future.
- Positive self-talk and affirmations. Work to challenge the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Building self-compassion is key to healing.
- Healthy lifestyle choices. A balanced diet, regular exercise, and a consistent sleep schedule can all contribute to your overall well-being, making it easier to cope with difficult emotions.
Building a support system
- Connecting with trusted friends and family. Seek emotional support and validation from loved ones. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less alone.
- Joining support groups. Sharing your experiences and coping strategies with others who understand can make you feel less alone.
Seeking professional help
If you’re struggling to cope with abandonment trauma, you may want to consult with a mental health professional. Talking to a therapist can help you process the events that triggered your sense of abandonment and learn strategies for coping with the resulting emotions.
The kind of therapy that’s right for you will depend on your particular circumstances. Here are a few approaches that have proven effective in treating abandonment trauma:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Psychodynamic therapy
- Attachment-based therapy
- Trauma-focused therapy
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 5 stages of abandonment trauma?
While not always linear, the stages often associated with abandonment trauma can include: 1. Denial: A refusal to acknowledge the loss or its impact. 2. Anger: Feelings of frustration, resentment, and rage directed at the person who left or the situation itself. 3. Bargaining: Attempts to negotiate or “what if” scenarios to try and undo the abandonment. 4. Depression: Overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, and withdrawal as the reality of the loss sets in. 5. Acceptance: Gradually coming to terms with the abandonment and finding ways to move forward, though the pain may still linger. It’s important to note that everyone experiences these stages differently, and some may not experience all of them.
Why do I have abandonment issues if I’ve never been abandoned?
The term “abandonment issues” can be misleading because it implies literal abandonment. However, these feelings can stem from perceived abandonment, emotional neglect, or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. For example, if a parent was physically present but emotionally unavailable, or if your emotional needs were consistently unmet, this can create a fear of abandonment. Similarly, a traumatic breakup or the loss of a significant relationship, even if not technically “abandonment,” can trigger these feelings. The core fear is often about being left alone, unloved, or unsupported, which can develop even without experiencing literal abandonment.
Closing Thoughts
Abandonment trauma, as we’ve discussed, can have a long-lasting impact on your mental health and your relationships. It can affect how you see yourself and how you connect with others.
If you suspect you’re dealing with abandonment trauma, it’s important to seek help from a therapist or counselor. It’s also important to be kind to yourself as you heal. Remember, healing is possible, and there are strategies and support systems that can help you on your journey.