How to Fix Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: A Practical Guide

Attachment theory suggests that the way you connected with your caregivers early in life sets the stage for how you form relationships as an adult. If you learned early on that you could rely on others for comfort and safety, you likely developed a secure attachment style.

With secure attachment, you probably find it easier to form healthy, fulfilling relationships, unlike those getting attached too easily. But if your early experiences were less consistent or supportive, you may have developed an insecure attachment style, making relationships feel challenging.

One such style is dismissive-avoidant attachment. If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, you likely value your independence above all else. You might find yourself pushing others away and pulling back in, even when you crave connection.

People with this attachment style often suppress their emotional needs and fear becoming dependent on others. While they may desire intimacy, the vulnerability it requires can feel overwhelming.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment can make it difficult to form close bonds and maintain intimacy. Partners may feel emotionally distant, rejected, or as if they are always trying harder to connect, possibly signaling it’s time to move on. This can, unfortunately, create conflict and dissatisfaction.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re probably wondering how to fix dismissive avoidant attachment and build more fulfilling relationships. This article will provide actionable strategies for healing and changing dismissive-avoidant attachment patterns.

Understanding dismissive-avoidant attachment

People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles tend to value their independence and self-sufficiency above all else. They often downplay the importance of close relationships and may struggle with intimacy and emotional expression.

Core Beliefs and Behaviors

Several core beliefs drive dismissive-avoidant behavior, including:

• “I don’t need anyone.”
• “Emotions are a sign of weakness.”
• “People will eventually disappoint me.”

These beliefs often stem from early childhood experiences where emotional needs went unmet.

These beliefs manifest in relationships in several ways:

• Difficulty expressing emotions and vulnerability
• A tendency to withdraw or shut down during conflict
• A preference for superficial connections over deep intimacy

Origins and Development

Dismissive-avoidant attachment styles often develop from specific childhood experiences. Consistent rejection or neglect of emotional needs by caregivers, overly critical or controlling parenting styles, or experiences of trauma or loss that weren’t adequately processed can all contribute to this attachment style.

Self-reliance and emotional suppression become survival strategies. Avoidance of intimacy becomes a way to prevent potential pain and disappointment. Over time, these learned coping mechanisms reinforce the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, making it difficult to form secure and fulfilling relationships in adulthood.

The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

Have you ever heard of the pursuer-distancer dynamic? It’s a common pattern that emerges when someone with an anxious attachment style is in a relationship with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It’s pretty much what it sounds like: one partner pursues closeness and reassurance, while the other partner pulls away.

The problem is, this dynamic tends to reinforce negative patterns. The anxious partner’s attempts to connect can feel like demands or a suffocating lack of independence to the avoidant partner, causing them to withdraw even further. And the avoidant partner’s withdrawal just confirms the anxious partner’s deepest fears of abandonment, which makes them pursue even harder. It’s a vicious cycle!

How do you break free? First, both partners need to understand their own attachment styles and how those styles play out in the relationship. Then, they need to learn to communicate with empathy and understanding, working together to break down the defensive walls they’ve built up over time. (We’ll dive deeper into this later.)

Confronting your outdated beliefs about yourself and others

If you’re a dismissive avoidant, you probably have some deeply-held beliefs about relationships that aren’t serving you well. You might even call them maladaptive schemas. But what are those, exactly, and how do you challenge them?

What are schemas?

Schemas are the ingrained patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that you’ve learned over time. They come from your early childhood experiences, and they shape how you see yourself, how you see others, and how you see the world. They’re the lenses through which you interpret everything.

For a dismissive avoidant, these schemas often include:

• Emotional deprivation (the belief that your needs will never be met by others)
• Mistrust/abuse (the belief that others will hurt or betray you)
• Subjugation (the belief that you must suppress your own needs to please others)
• Perfectionism (the belief that you must be perfect to be worthy of love and acceptance)

How to identify your schemas

The first step is to figure out which schemas are driving your dismissive avoidant behavior. Ask yourself:

• What patterns do I see in my relationships?
• What needs weren’t met when I was a child?
• What thoughts and feelings come up automatically in certain situations?

How to challenge your schemas

Once you know what your schemas are, you can start to challenge them. This involves using cognitive and behavioral techniques, like:

• Cognitive restructuring (challenging the negative thoughts associated with the schema)
• Behavioral experiments (testing the validity of the schema in real-life situations)

For example, if you have a schema of emotional deprivation, you could actively seek out emotional support and connection. If you have a schema of mistrust/abuse, you could carefully evaluate the trustworthiness of others based on evidence, not assumptions.

Challenging these deeply held beliefs takes time and effort, but it’s a crucial step in healing from dismissive avoidant attachment.

Cultivating Emotional Regulation Skills

Emotional regulation is your ability to manage and change the intensity, length, and expression of your feelings. It’s a crucial skill for those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style because it helps you tolerate the discomfort and vulnerability that inevitably arise in relationships. Good emotional regulation skills make you less likely to withdraw or shut down when overwhelmed by emotions.

Here are some practical ways to cultivate emotional regulation skills:

Mindfulness-based practices

These techniques increase your awareness of your emotions and help you stay grounded in the present moment:

• Body scan meditation. This involves paying attention to physical sensations in your body to become more aware of your emotions. As you focus on each part of your body, notice any sensations without judgment.
• Mindful breathing. This involves focusing on your breath to anchor yourself in the present moment. As you breathe in and out, notice the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body. When your mind wanders, gently redirect your attention back to your breath.

Relaxation techniques

These techniques help to reduce physical tension and promote relaxation:

• Progressive muscle relaxation. This involves tensing and releasing different muscle groups to reduce physical tension. Start with your toes and work your way up to your head, tensing each muscle group for a few seconds before releasing.
• Deep breathing exercises. These involve slowing down your breath to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and promote relaxation. Inhale deeply through your nose, filling your lungs completely, and then exhale slowly through your mouth.

Grounding techniques

These techniques use sensory input to reconnect you with the present moment during emotional distress.

• Focus on your 5 senses. Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.
• Hold a comforting object, like a smooth stone, and concentrate on the way it feels in your hand.

Practicing self-compassion

People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles often struggle to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. It might even feel strange or uncomfortable to do so. But self-compassion is essential for healing because it helps to counteract the self-criticism and shame that often accompanies this attachment style.

Self-compassion is about fostering a sense of worthiness and belonging. It’s about recognizing that you’re human, and that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks. It’s about being gentle with yourself when things go wrong, rather than beating yourself up.

Techniques for cultivating self-compassion

Here are a few techniques you can use to start practicing self-compassion:

• Self-compassionate statements: Repeat phrases like, “May I be kind to myself in this moment,” “May I accept myself as I am,” or “May I give myself the compassion I need.”
• Mindfulness of suffering: Acknowledge and validate your own pain without judgment. Notice your feelings, and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel them.
• Common humanity: Recognize that suffering is a universal human experience. You’re not alone in your struggles. Everyone experiences pain and difficulty at some point in their lives.

With practice, self-compassion can become a powerful tool for healing from dismissive-avoidant attachment. It can help you to develop a more secure sense of self and to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Mindful Communication and Gradual Exposure

If you’re trying to overcome a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, two key strategies can make a big difference: mindful communication and gradual exposure to situations that trigger your avoidance tendencies.

Mindful Communication

Mindful communication means communicating with awareness, intention, and empathy. It’s about truly listening to the other person and expressing yourself in a way that fosters connection, not defensiveness.

For those with a dismissive-avoidant style, mindful communication can be transformative. It’s a pathway to vulnerability and emotional connection, helping you to break down the walls you’ve built around yourself. It also reduces the knee-jerk reactions and defensiveness that often sabotage relationships.

Here are some practical techniques to try:

• Active Listening: Pay full attention when someone is speaking. Put away your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen without interrupting or judging. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
• Expressing Emotions Clearly and Assertively: Don’t bottle up your feelings or express them indirectly. Be clear and honest about what you’re feeling, but do so in a respectful way.
• Using “I” Statements: Take responsibility for your own feelings by using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “You always make me feel…”, try “I feel… when…”. This avoids blaming and opens the door for a more constructive conversation.

Gradual Exposure

Gradual exposure is a technique used to overcome avoidance tendencies by slowly and systematically confronting the things you fear. It’s like gently dipping your toes into a cold pool instead of jumping in all at once.

What situations tend to trigger avoidance for someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style? Often, it’s things like:

• Sharing personal information
• Asking for help or support
• Expressing affection or vulnerability

Here’s a step-by-step guide to gradually exposing yourself to these situations:

1. Start Small: Don’t try to tackle your biggest fear right away. Begin with small, manageable steps. For example, instead of baring your soul, start by sharing a minor detail about your day with a friend.
2. Practice Regularly and Consistently: The key to success is to practice regularly. The more you expose yourself to these situations, the less anxiety they will provoke.
3. Celebrate Progress and Acknowledge Setbacks: It’s important to acknowledge your progress, no matter how small it may seem. And don’t beat yourself up if you have a setback. It’s all part of the process. Just dust yourself off and keep going.

Remember, changing an attachment style takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, and celebrate every small victory along the way.

Frequently Asked Questions

Closing Thoughts

So, how do you actually begin to fix a dismissive-avoidant attachment style? You’ve got to challenge your maladaptive schemas, develop emotional regulation skills, practice self-compassion, and mindfully communicate while gradually exposing yourself to deeper relationships.

It sounds like a lot, and honestly, it is. Changing your attachment style takes time and effort. You’re essentially rewiring thought patterns and behaviors that have been ingrained for a long time. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate the small victories along the way. Recognize that setbacks are part of the process, not signs of failure.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. A therapist can provide valuable guidance as you navigate these complex issues. Different therapeutic approaches, like schema therapy, sensorimotor psychotherapy, mindfulness-based CBT, and ACT, can be particularly helpful.

Remember, developing a more secure and fulfilling relationship style is possible. It requires work, but the potential rewards – deeper connections, greater emotional intimacy, and a stronger sense of self – are well worth the effort.