People with an avoidant attachment style often shy away from intimacy and closeness. They’re not necessarily opposed to love, but they tend to keep people at arm’s length.
Falling in love with someone who’s avoidant can be challenging, but it’s absolutely possible, especially if you are getting attached too easily.
This article takes a look at how to make an avoidant fall in love with you by using patience, understanding, and empathy.
Decoding the avoidant attachment style
If you’ve fallen for someone with an avoidant attachment style, and are considering a fearful avoidant breakup, you might be feeling confused right now. It can seem like they’re pushing you away even though they care about you. Here are some core characteristics of the avoidant attachment style:
- They fear intimacy and emotional vulnerability. If they start to feel things getting too close, they may push you away to protect themselves.
- They value their autonomy and resist feeling dependent on others.
- Expressing emotions and needs feels uncomfortable and risky to them.
Think of the “scared cat” analogy to understand the avoidant individual. A scared cat might hiss and scratch if you approach it too quickly, but it’s not because the cat wants to hurt you. It’s acting out of fear. It feels vulnerable and is trying to protect itself.
The same is true of the avoidant person in your life. The key is to approach them with gentleness and patience. If you can do that, you’ll be well on your way to building a lasting relationship.
Make them feel safe
Here are some things you can do to create an environment in which an avoidant person can feel safe enough to fall in love.
Go easy on the relationship pressure
Don’t overwhelm them with intense emotions or demands for commitment early on. Intense displays of affection might trigger their fear of being engulfed. The best approach is to build trust gradually by being consistent and reliable, so they’ll start to see you as someone who’s safe to open up to.
Respect their space and independence
Realize that their need for space isn’t a rejection of you. It’s a way for them to recharge and maintain their sense of self. In fact, you can support their independence by encouraging them to pursue their own interests and hobbies. Paradoxically, doing so will strengthen your relationship.
Communicate clearly and honestly
Express your needs and expectations clearly, but without being demanding. Transparency is crucial for building trust. Actively listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. Even if they struggle to express them, acknowledge their emotions.
Fostering Connection and Intimacy
Once you’ve established a base of understanding and acceptance, you can start to nurture a deeper connection. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Patience and consistency are your best allies.
Building Trust Through Consistency
Be the person you say you are. Follow through on your promises, big or small. Let your actions speak louder than your words. Avoid emotional games or manipulative tactics. Authenticity is the cornerstone of a secure connection with someone who’s avoidant.
Encouraging Vulnerability
Lead by example. Share your own vulnerabilities, creating a safe space for them to reciprocate. Be patient and understanding when they struggle to open up. It takes time for them to dismantle the walls they’ve built around their heart.
Focus on Shared Activities and Experiences
Engage in activities you both enjoy. Shared experiences create positive associations and lasting memories, strengthening the bond between you.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Dynamic
Even if you successfully encourage an avoidant person to fall in love, it’s important to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.
- Encourage Open Communication: Make sure you’re both creating a safe space where you both feel comfortable sharing your feelings and needs.
- Build Lives Outside the Relationship: Don’t become codependent! Continue to cultivate your own interests and friendships.
- Manage Expectations: Change takes time. Be patient and understanding.
A healthy relationship is a marathon, not a sprint, especially when you’re learning how to fix dismissive avoidant attachment.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you make an avoidant obsessed with you?
It’s crucial to understand that the goal shouldn’t be to make anyone “obsessed” with you, as that suggests an unhealthy dynamic. Instead, focus on building a genuine connection based on mutual respect and understanding. Pressuring an avoidant individual can backfire and push them further away. A healthier approach is to create a safe and secure environment where they feel comfortable opening up at their own pace.
How do you make Avoidants love you?
You can’t “make” someone love you, regardless of their attachment style. However, with avoidant individuals, fostering trust is paramount. Be consistent, reliable, and respect their need for space. Avoid overwhelming them with displays of affection or demands for constant contact. Show them you’re a safe harbor, someone they can confide in without fear of judgment or engulfment. Patience is key, and understanding their attachment style will help you navigate the relationship more effectively.
How do you get an avoidant to come closer?
Encouraging an avoidant to come closer involves a gentle and understanding approach. Instead of directly pursuing them, create opportunities for connection while respecting their boundaries. Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings, and actively listen without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. Be mindful of your own needs and avoid becoming overly dependent on their validation. By demonstrating that you’re trustworthy and respect their need for independence, you create a space where they feel safe enough to gradually move closer.
Putting It All Together
Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style requires understanding, patience, and a lot of empathy. It’s a journey of mutual growth, not a one-way street. A fulfilling, loving relationship is possible, but it requires effort and a willingness to understand where your partner is coming from.