Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation in which one person distorts another’s sense of reality. The goal is to gain control, which is a hallmark of controlling behavior, as opposed to leading, by eroding trust in the other person’s perceptions, memories, and even sanity; read more about leading vs. controlling here.
While you might first think of gaslighting in the context of a romantic relationship, it can actually show up in all sorts of relationships, including those with family members, friends, and even coworkers.
It can be subtle and insidious, making it hard to recognize, especially when it’s coming from someone you love or trust.
Here, we’ll cover:
- Examples of gaslighting phrases and tactics
- The impact gaslighting can have on victims
- Strategies for recognizing and addressing gaslighting behavior
Keep reading to learn more about gaslighting examples in relationships and what you can do if you think you’re being gaslighted.
Defining gaslighting and its core tactics
If you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re losing your mind, or perhaps your husband is emotionally unavailable, you may be a victim of gaslighting; take this quiz to find out more.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation that causes someone to question their perception of reality. The person doing the gaslighting, or the abuser, will distort the victim’s reality in order to control them.
Gaslighting can involve making you question your thoughts, feelings, or memories. Over time, this can lead to self-doubt and a dependence on the abuser’s version of events. You may come to feel that you can’t trust your own judgment and need the abuser to tell you what’s real.
Common gaslighting tactics
Gaslighting can take many forms, but here are a few common tactics that abusers use:
- Denying events or conversations ever happened. For example, an abuser might say, “That never happened,” even when you have clear evidence that it did.
- Dismissing your feelings. An abuser might tell you that you’re “too sensitive” or “overthinking” things when you express your emotions.
- Shifting blame and avoiding accountability. An abuser might say, “It’s your fault I did that,” instead of taking responsibility for their actions.
Gaslighting examples in romantic relationships
Gaslighting is one of the cruelest forms of manipulation, and can be a tactic used by someone with psychopathic tendencies; it can be especially confusing and damaging when it happens in a romantic relationship. Here are some common gaslighting phrases and tactics to watch out for:
Common Gaslighting Phrases
- “You’re crazy — and other people think so, too.” This tactic is designed to isolate you and make you feel like you can’t trust your own perceptions. It’s meant to make you believe that everyone agrees with the abuser, so you have no one to turn to.
- “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.” This completely invalidates your feelings. It questions your perception of harm, making you doubt yourself and the validity of your emotions.
- “Do you really think I’d make that up?” This is a classic deflection tactic. It shifts the blame onto you and makes you question your own judgment. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re the one being unreasonable.
Manipulation Through Love and Guilt
Gaslighters often use love and guilt to manipulate their partners.
- “You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.” This minimizes the abuser’s actions and creates doubt in your mind. It suggests that any harm caused was unintentional, even if it was clearly deliberate.
- “I did that because I love you.” This is a particularly insidious tactic. It justifies abusive behavior by framing it as an act of love. It twists your understanding of love and makes it harder to recognize the abuse for what it is.
- “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t even think that.” This tactic weaponizes love. It uses your feelings for the abuser against you, making you feel guilty for questioning their behavior.
Gaslighting examples in family relationships
Gaslighting tactics can be especially damaging within families, where trust and emotional bonds are expected. Here are some common examples:
Minimizing and dismissing feelings
Gaslighters often invalidate the victim’s emotions, making them feel as though their experiences are unimportant or irrational. Examples of this include:
- “You’re too sensitive.” This dismisses your emotions and makes you feel invalid. It suggests that your reactions are disproportionate or unwarranted.
- “It’s not that bad. Other people have it much worse.” This minimizes your experiences by comparing them to others. It implies that your problems are insignificant compared to those of others.
- “You don’t really feel that way.” This denies your feelings and tells you how you should feel. It undermines your self-perception and attempts to control your emotional state.
Questioning memory and sanity
Gaslighters may sow seeds of doubt about your mental state, making you question your memory, perception, and overall sanity. Examples of this include:
- “I’m worried about you. You keep forgetting things.” This plants seeds of doubt about your mental state. It suggests that you are unreliable or losing your grip on reality.
- “That’s just nonsense you read on the internet. It’s not real.” This dismisses your beliefs and knowledge. It implies that you are gullible or misinformed.
Gaslighting in family relationships can have long-lasting effects, eroding trust, self-esteem, and the ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
How gaslighting can play out at work
Gaslighting doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It can happen at work, too. Here are some examples of what it looks like.
Undermining competence and memory
An abusive supervisor might say:
- “You have a terrible memory.” This makes the victim question whether they can really do their job.
- “I emailed you about the meeting. Are you sure you didn’t get it?” This creates doubt about whether the victim is reliable or organized.
Attributing stress and blaming the victim
Another tactic a gaslighting manager might use is this:
- “You seem stressed. Not everyone can handle new responsibilities.” This implies that the person is incompetent and can’t cope with their workload.
Gaslighting in the workplace is often gendered and racialized
Women are more likely to be gaslighted in professional settings, and women of color are especially vulnerable to this kind of abuse. For example, a white supervisor might tell a Black female subordinate that she is “too sensitive” or “playing the race card” when she brings up legitimate concerns about discrimination.
Recognizing the signs and impact of gaslighting
If you’re in a relationship, you may be wondering what gaslighting looks like in real life. Here are some of the telltale signs that you’re experiencing gaslighting:
- You constantly second-guess yourself.
- You find it hard to make even simple decisions.
- You feel confused or disoriented.
- You’re always apologizing for things, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong.
- You feel isolated and alone.
Gaslighting can have a devastating effect on your mental health, leading to:
- Increased anxiety and depression
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- Difficulty trusting others, even people who are close to you
- In some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
It’s important to remember that you’re not alone if you’re experiencing gaslighting. Many people go through this, and there is help available. If you recognize these signs in your relationship, it’s important to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for support.
What to do if you think you’re being gaslit
It’s not always easy to recognize gaslighting in the moment. Often, it’s a pattern of behavior that emerges over time. If you suspect you’re being gaslit, here are some steps you can take.
Take notes
Keep a record of incidents as they occur. Note the date, time, and specific details of the conversation or situation. This documentation can help you validate your experiences and remember what actually happened.
Build a support system
Connect with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Talking to others about what you’re experiencing can provide validation and perspective.
Trust your gut
If something feels off, listen to your intuition. Gaslighting can make you doubt yourself, so it’s essential to trust your instincts.
What to do when you’re in a gaslighting situation
If you feel up to it, here are some strategies you can use to address the situation:
- Don’t argue with the gaslighter. They are not interested in hearing your side of the story.
- If you feel safe, try having a calm conversation, using “I statements” to express how you feel. Focus on creating a calm, neutral environment.
- Assess whether confrontation is safe. If you feel threatened or unsafe, prioritize your well-being and remove yourself from the situation.
- If the behavior doesn’t change or you feel unsafe, consider cutting ties with the gaslighter. Sometimes, the best course of action is to protect yourself by ending the relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to outsmart a gaslighter
It’s less about “outsmarting” and more about protecting yourself. Document everything. Keep a journal of events, conversations, and your feelings. Trust your instincts, even if they tell you you’re being manipulated. Seek validation from trusted friends or family members. Ultimately, the best strategy may be to limit contact or end the relationship entirely.
How do you tell someone they are gaslighting?
Approaching a gaslighter can be tricky. Start by calmly and clearly stating your perspective, using specific examples. For instance, “I feel like my reality is being questioned when you say I’m remembering things wrong, especially when I have evidence to the contrary.” Be prepared for denial or deflection. They may not acknowledge their behavior, so focus on setting boundaries and protecting your mental health.
What is an example of gaslighting in a relationship?
A common example is when one partner consistently denies or minimizes the other’s feelings. For instance, if one partner is upset about something the other said, the gaslighting partner might respond with, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting. It was just a joke!” Another example is distorting events, saying, “That never happened,” or “You have a terrible memory,” even when evidence suggests otherwise. These behaviors erode trust and make the victim question their own sanity.
In Summary
It’s important to learn the tactics of gaslighting, no matter the kind of relationship. Gaslighting can be incredibly damaging to your mental health and your sense of self-worth. If you’re being gaslighted, you may start to doubt your memory, your perceptions, and even your sanity.
If you think you’re being gaslighted, it can be helpful to seek professional help and build a strong support system. Therapists, counselors, and support groups can all be valuable resources for understanding what’s happening and developing strategies for coping.
Ultimately, it’s important to trust yourself and prioritize your own well-being. You can reclaim your peace by recognizing the signs of gaslighting, taking action to protect yourself, and seeking support from others.