Is it normal to be married but feel chemistry with someone else? Absolutely. Developing a crush on someone other than your spouse happens more often than you might think.
When you’re married but feel chemistry with someone else, you’re likely experiencing a lot of different emotions, possibly even anxiety. If so, you may want to consider is anxiety ruining your marriage. The way you deal with those emotions can lead to both positive and negative outcomes.
It’s easy to find yourself in a situation where you’re attracted to someone who isn’t your spouse. Maybe you work closely with someone, or perhaps you’ve reconnected with an old friend, and you find yourself feeling a spark. Attraction is a normal human experience.
But what do you do when that attraction arises while you’re in a committed relationship? How do you navigate those feelings without jeopardizing your marriage?
This article provides a framework for understanding your feelings and managing them in a responsible, thoughtful way. We’ll look at the importance of self-reflection, open communication, and making conscious decisions about your marriage and your friendships.
Understanding the nature of the attraction
Attraction to someone other than your spouse can feel confusing and unsettling. Is it just a fleeting infatuation, or is it something more?
Differentiating between a crush and a deeper connection
A “crush” is often fueled by novelty and idealization. According to Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., intense chemicals are at play when you first experience attraction, including serotonin, adrenaline, and dopamine, which can lead you to see the other person through rose-colored glasses.
Deeper emotional connections, on the other hand, involve a profound sense of understanding, shared values, and mutual respect. Sometimes, these connections can develop because of unmet needs or desires within your marriage.
Identifying the type of chemistry
Chemistry isn’t just one thing. It can be physical, emotional, platonic, intellectual, or spiritual. Understanding what kind of chemistry you’re experiencing can help you understand the specific needs or desires that are driving the attraction.
Once you understand the type of chemistry involved, you can take targeted action and have a more informed conversation with your spouse.
Evaluating your marriage
Having feelings for someone outside your marriage can be unsettling, but it’s also an opportunity to take a closer look at your relationship and identify areas that might need attention. Before you dismiss the feelings as “just a crush,” use the moment as a catalyst for honest reflection.
Assessing the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship
What’s working? What isn’t? Are there areas where you feel disconnected from your spouse? Are there unmet needs or unresolved conflicts that keep bubbling to the surface? Rate your overall satisfaction with the marriage. How would you describe the levels of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and communication? Be honest with yourself, and try to avoid placing blame.
What a crush reveals about your marriage
Sometimes, a crush can be like a spotlight, illuminating areas where your marriage might be falling short. It can reveal desires or needs that you feel are missing in your current relationship. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Gal A. Szekely suggests thinking of a crush as a “compass leading you to what’s important to you.” Fantasies, she says, often reveal what we’re attracted to and what experiences we crave, which could be connected to the question of do married men fantasize about other women.
Addressing unmet needs and desires
Once you’ve identified what might be fueling the attraction to someone else, explore ways to address those needs within your marriage. This might involve open and honest conversations with your spouse, a willingness to compromise, and a commitment to putting in the effort to rekindle the spark. Don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance, either through couples therapy or individual counseling, to help you navigate these complex emotions and improve communication within your relationship.
How to handle a “crush” relationship
When you’re married but feel chemistry with someone else, it’s important to be aware of the potential damage to your marriage. You can start by setting some firm boundaries for yourself.
Establish clear boundaries
It’s vital to set boundaries with the person you’re attracted to. That could mean limiting how often you’re in contact, avoiding certain subjects when you’re together, and consciously refraining from flirting.
For example, don’t text each other after work hours, and don’t meet up alone. You may also want to avoid talking about your marriage or your spouse with this person.
Manage your fantasies and attractions
Let’s face it: Most crushes involve a hefty dose of fantasy, and policing your fantasies is nearly impossible, according to therapist Rebecca Newman.
That doesn’t mean you can’t manage them. You can try redirecting your thoughts when they start to stray into fantasyland. You can also try to stay in the present moment, focusing on what’s going on around you. Or you can do something that makes you feel good about yourself, such as exercising or engaging in a hobby.
In the end, it’s important to remind yourself of the reality of your situation and the harm that could come to your marriage if you act on those feelings.
Communication and transparency
One of the most delicate questions you’ll face is whether to tell your spouse about the crush. There are potential benefits and risks to consider.
On the one hand, being open with your partner might help defuse your feelings. Crushes often thrive on secrecy, and the forbidden aspect can add to their allure. Bringing it out into the open can diminish its power.
However, be aware that disclosing a crush can also be hurtful and create insecurity in your marriage. If you choose to disclose, do so in a calm, respectful, and non-blaming manner. Emphasize that you’re committed to your marriage and are sharing this to be honest and work through it together.
Regardless of whether you disclose the crush itself, it’s crucial to have open and honest dialogue with your spouse about your feelings, needs, and desires. Use “I” statements to express your emotions and avoid accusatory language. This is important, especially if you’re worried is your husband gaslighting you? For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I share my thoughts.”
Work together to identify ways to strengthen your marriage and address any underlying issues contributing to the attraction to someone else. This could involve spending more quality time together, reigniting the romance, or seeking couples therapy to improve communication and intimacy.
Frequently Asked Questions
When you are married but have feelings for someone else…
It’s a challenging situation, and it’s important to address it with honesty and self-reflection. Acknowledging the feelings is the first step. Then, explore why these feelings have arisen. Are there unmet needs in your marriage? Are you simply drawn to the novelty of someone new? Understanding the root cause will help you decide the best course of action. Prioritize open and honest communication with your spouse, even if it’s difficult. Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist or counselor to navigate these complex emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
Can you have chemistry with someone other than your spouse?
Absolutely. Chemistry is a complex interplay of factors, including personality, shared interests, and physical attraction. It’s entirely possible to experience a connection with someone outside your marriage. The key is recognizing that chemistry alone doesn’t justify acting on those feelings. A strong marriage requires commitment, effort, and conscious choices to nurture the relationship, even when faced with external attractions.
Is it normal to feel attracted to someone else while married?
Yes, it’s a very common experience. Attraction is a natural human response, and being married doesn’t eliminate the possibility of feeling drawn to others. The important distinction is between feeling attraction and acting on it. Marriage involves a commitment to monogamy and requires consciously choosing to prioritize your spouse and your relationship, even when you experience attraction elsewhere.
Is it normal to develop feelings for someone else while married?
While attraction is common, developing deeper feelings for someone else while married is a more serious issue. It often indicates unmet needs or dissatisfaction within the marriage. These feelings can serve as a signal to examine your relationship, communicate openly with your spouse, and potentially seek professional help to address underlying issues and strengthen your commitment.
Closing Thoughts
If you’re married and feeling a spark with someone else, it’s important to be honest with yourself, communicate openly, and make responsible decisions. Having these feelings is normal, but how you respond is what matters most.
Prioritize the health of your marriage, but don’t ignore your own needs and desires. Navigating these tricky emotions takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow as a person. A therapist can also help you navigate these complex emotions.