Limerence is a fancy word for something that feels a lot like being head-over-heels in love. It’s an intense, obsessive, romantic fascination with another person.
When you’re married, though, that feeling can be devastating. Limerence while married has the potential to lead to infidelity, deep emotional distress, and even the breakdown of your marriage.
If you’re struggling with these intense feelings, you’re not alone.
In this article, we’ll define limerence, explore its impact on marriage, and offer strategies you can use to overcome it. You’ll learn how to safeguard your marriage and rediscover the love you already have.
What is limerence?
Limerence is a deep well of longing and intrusive thoughts centered on another person. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that can cause profound emotional highs and devastating lows, all fueled by the desire for the limerent object to feel the same way about you.
Defining limerence
The term “limerence” was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who published her findings in the book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. She defined it as an intense, obsessive, and often involuntary state of romantic fascination.
The neuroscience of limerence
The intense feelings of limerence are thought to be driven by neurochemicals like norepinephrine and dopamine, which create an anticipation-reward cycle in your brain, sometimes leading to what can be perceived as a healthy obsession in relationships, if managed correctly. Helen Fisher’s work has also explored how these neurochemicals influence bonding processes, and hyperarousal is a key element of the limerent experience.
Though it can be a beautiful experience, limerence can also be disruptive. It can affect your ability to concentrate, your relationships, and your overall well-being.
Limerence vs. True Love: Discerning the Difference
It’s easy to confuse limerence with true love. They can feel a lot alike, but at their core, they’re quite different.
Key Differences
Limerence is often transactional. It’s all about getting the other person to reciprocate your feelings. True love, on the other hand, focuses on bonding and nurturing the relationship, regardless of immediate reciprocation.
Limerence thrives on fantasy and idealization. You see the object of your limerence as perfect, without flaws. True love is grounded in reality. You accept the other person, warts and all.
M. Scott Peck’s Perspective
Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Traveled, draws a helpful distinction between infatuation and mature love. He writes that “real love does not have its roots in the feeling of love; it occurs in the context in which the feeling of love is lacking yet we still act lovingly to the other person even though we don’t necessarily feel loving.”
Infatuation (or limerence) is often short-lived, typically lasting only 4 to 6 months. True love, in contrast, grows over time. It deepens through commitment, shared experiences, and the weathering of life’s inevitable storms.
How limerence affects a marriage
When you’re in a committed relationship, limerence for someone else can be incredibly destabilizing. The good news is that limerence doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. However, it’s important to understand the effects it can have on you and your spouse.
Emotional and psychological effects
Limerence can cause you to emotionally neglect your spouse because you’ve become preoccupied with the object of your obsession. It can also trigger feelings of guilt, shame, and cognitive dissonance as you struggle to reconcile your actions with your marital vows. You might find yourself feeling like you’re living a double life.
Behavioral consequences
Secrecy and deception are common behaviors when you’re experiencing limerence. You might be tempted to engage in emotional or physical affairs, and you may start to fantasize about other women, which can lead to a breakdown of trust and communication within your marriage. Your spouse may feel betrayed and emotionally abandoned, even if you haven’t acted out your feelings.
Risk of divorce
If limerence is unresolved, it can significantly increase the risk of divorce. The obsession can erode the foundation of your marriage, making it difficult to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship with your spouse. Seeking professional help is crucial to prevent further damage and rebuild trust within your marriage.
Overcoming Limerence While Married: A Path to Recovery
It’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to reclaim your life and your marriage. Here’s a roadmap for navigating the challenging terrain of limerence while married:
No Contact: The Golden Rule
The single most effective antidote to limerence is cutting off all contact with the limerent object. This means no in-person encounters, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no social media stalking – nothing. This is incredibly difficult, but absolutely crucial. Every interaction, even a fleeting glance, reignites the limerent flame. Think of it like starving a fire; without fuel, it will eventually die.
The good news is that with consistent no contact, the limerent obsession will fade. It may take time, but the intensity will lessen, and the intrusive thoughts will become less frequent.
Solid Self-Care: Rebuilding Your Foundation
Limerence often thrives in a void, filling a need that’s not being met in your life or marriage. Now is the time to prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Focus on nourishing your body with a healthy diet, engaging in regular exercise, and ensuring you get adequate sleep. Reconnect with hobbies and interests that have fallen by the wayside. Rediscover what brings you joy and fulfillment. This isn’t selfish; it’s essential for rebuilding your sense of self and creating a life that’s worth fighting for.
Mental and Emotional Deprogramming: Reframing the Narrative
Limerence is fueled by idealization. You’ve likely built up an unrealistic, often inaccurate, image of the limerent object. Actively challenge this idealized image. Force yourself to focus on their flaws, their negative qualities, and the realities of a potential relationship with them. More importantly, delve into the underlying emotional needs that made you vulnerable to limerence in the first place. What were you seeking? What was missing in your life or marriage? Consider seeking therapy to explore unresolved issues and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Accountability: Seeking Support and Guidance
Don’t go through this alone. Find a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group where you can be honest about your struggles and receive understanding and guidance. Sharing your feelings and being held accountable can be incredibly powerful in breaking the cycle of limerence. Programs like Affair Recovery’s Hope for Healing can also provide valuable resources and support specifically tailored for wayward spouses seeking to rebuild their lives and marriages.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a married person experience limerence?
Yes, absolutely. While limerence is often associated with initial romantic infatuation, it can certainly occur within the context of a marriage, or directed toward someone outside of it. The pre-existing commitment doesn’t make anyone immune to intense feelings of limerence, which can be incredibly disruptive and challenging to navigate when a marriage is involved. It’s important to recognize that limerence isn’t necessarily about the inherent qualities of the “limerent object” (the person you’re infatuated with), but rather, a projection of your own needs and desires.
What is an example of limerence in marriage?
Imagine a spouse who begins working closely with a colleague and develops an intense, obsessive interest in them. They might constantly think about this colleague, analyze their interactions, and misinterpret neutral actions as signs of reciprocated feelings. This spouse may start neglecting their marital responsibilities, feeling dissatisfied with their partner, and fantasizing about a future with the colleague. This isn’t just a crush; it’s an all-consuming obsession characterized by an overwhelming desire for reciprocation and a fear of rejection.
Who is most vulnerable to limerence?
There isn’t a single “type” of person susceptible to limerence, but certain factors can increase vulnerability. Individuals experiencing loneliness, dissatisfaction in their marriage, a lack of emotional fulfillment, or a crisis of identity may be more prone to developing limerent feelings. People with a history of anxiety, depression, or insecure attachment styles might also be at higher risk. Ultimately, limerence often stems from unmet needs and a search for validation or escape, making those experiencing emotional distress particularly susceptible.
Closing Thoughts
Limerence, especially when it happens within a marriage, can be incredibly destructive. It can inflict deep emotional wounds and cause lasting damage to the relationship.
However, recovery is possible. Rebuilding trust after limerence is a long, hard road, but with commitment and a lot of effort, it can be done. It’s vital to remember that healing requires active participation from both partners.
Seeking professional help is highly recommended. A therapist can provide guidance and support to both individuals and the couple as they navigate this challenging situation. They can offer objective insights and help develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Key strategies for overcoming limerence include:
- Strict no contact with the limerent object
- Prioritizing self-care to rebuild self-esteem and well-being
- Deprogramming the limerent thoughts and beliefs
- Establishing accountability measures to prevent relapse
Taking these steps is crucial for breaking free from the obsessive thoughts and restoring the intimacy and connection within the marriage. It’s a journey of healing, growth, and rediscovering the love and commitment that brought you together in the first place.