In a marriage, emotional neglect happens when one partner regularly ignores the other’s feelings and needs. It’s not always obvious, because it’s often about what isn’t happening, rather than something actively abusive.
That lack of action is what makes emotional neglect in marriage so insidious. It’s subtle and often goes unrecognized, even by the people experiencing it.
But a marriage suffering from emotional neglect can be just as damaged as one with more overt forms of abuse. If the neglect isn’t addressed, the relationship may not survive.
This article will explore what emotional neglect looks like in a marriage, the impact it can have, and what steps you can take to heal and build a healthier relationship.
Understanding Emotional Neglect in Marriage
When you think of the word “neglect,” you might picture a child who is cold and hungry because their parents aren’t providing enough food or warm clothes. Emotional neglect in a marriage is similar. It’s about a failure to notice, tend to, and respond to your partner’s feelings.
Defining Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect means that your partner consistently misses opportunities to connect with you emotionally, possibly signaling a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It’s a lack of emotional attunement that can leave you feeling alone, even when you’re in the same room.
Marriage and family therapist Sarah O’Leary defines emotional neglect as the dismissal of someone’s attachment and/or emotional needs.
What Emotional Neglect Isn’t
It’s important to distinguish emotional neglect from other relationship problems. It’s not the same as overt abuse, which involves direct harm. Emotional neglect is more about a lack of action, a failure to provide emotional support.
It’s also different from occasional disagreements or conflicts. Every couple has those! Emotional neglect is a consistent pattern of emotional unavailability, a constant sense that your partner isn’t really “there” for you on an emotional level.
The Impact of Emotional Neglect
Living with emotional neglect can have a devastating impact on your marriage. You may feel:
- Alone and disconnected from your partner
- Unclear about your own needs and your partner’s needs
- That emotional intimacy and trust are eroding
Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Neglect in Marriage
Are you in a marriage where you feel alone, even when your spouse is right there with you? Do you find yourself wanting to spend more time alone than with your spouse?
These feelings could be signs of emotional neglect. Here are some other things to watch out for:
- A lack of emotional support from your spouse. Does your spouse shut down when you try to talk, or do they simply avoid emotional topics?
- Do you find it hard to talk openly and honestly with your spouse? Do you feel like they just don’t care about how you feel?
- Has physical intimacy and affection declined or disappeared altogether? Are you no longer doing things together and creating shared experiences?
- Do you find yourself turning to friends and family for emotional support instead of your spouse? Do you feel emotionally distant from your spouse?
Most of all, do you feel like your needs aren’t being met and that something is missing in your marriage? If so, you could be experiencing emotional neglect.
Why does emotional neglect happen in marriage?
Many different factors can contribute to emotional neglect in a marriage. Sometimes, the reasons are individual to each partner. Other times, the reasons have to do with the relationship itself, or with outside stressors.
Individual factors
Sometimes, emotional neglect stems from one partner’s own attachment injuries. If they didn’t receive the emotional support they needed in childhood or adolescence, they may have difficulty providing that support to their spouse. In some cases, one partner may intentionally withhold their true self because they are incapable of emotional availability. Or, a person who experienced emotional neglect as a child may simply repeat the patterns they learned as a child.
Relationship factors
Stressful life events can put a strain on a marriage. This can include job changes, the birth of a child, or other major life transitions. Communication problems and unresolved conflicts can also lead to emotional neglect, as can a lack of shared interests and activities.
External factors
External factors can also contribute to emotional neglect in a marriage. Work-related stress, long hours, and financial difficulties can all take a toll. Family or social pressures can also create distance between partners.
What to do if you suspect emotional neglect in your marriage
If you believe that your marriage is suffering from emotional neglect, there are steps you can take to improve the situation. Here are a few strategies:
Open and honest communication
Set aside time to talk without distractions. Express your feelings and needs clearly and assertively. Use “I” statements to avoid blaming or criticizing your partner. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m not given your full attention.”
Be proactive
Don’t wait for things to get better on their own. Acknowledge the issue and take steps to address it. Consider the possible reasons behind your partner’s behavior. Are they stressed, overwhelmed, or struggling with their own emotional issues?
Practice empathy and mirroring
Mirroring involves the listener repeating back exactly what their partner is saying, without distortion. This shows that you are actively listening and understanding. Also, try to understand your partner’s perspective and emotions, even if you don’t agree with them.
Rebuild emotional intimacy
Spend quality time together, engaging in activities that foster connection and closeness. Be patient. Rebuilding emotional intimacy takes time and effort.
The Role of Therapy in Addressing Emotional Neglect
When you’re experiencing emotional neglect in your marriage, simply talking about it can be a good first step. But what do you say? How do you say it? And how do you keep it from devolving into a shouting match?
That’s where therapy comes in. A good couples counselor can help you:
- Identify the root causes of the emotional neglect. Is it work stress? Is something triggering memories of a past relationship?
- Learn how to communicate more effectively and resolve conflict in a healthy way.
- Create a safe space where you can both explore and express your feelings.
- Understand how the neglect has affected each of you.
Therapy can give you the tools you need to start healing and building a stronger, more connected marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is considered emotional neglect in a marriage?
Emotional neglect in a marriage isn’t about occasional disagreements or moodiness; it’s a persistent pattern where one partner fails to respond to the other’s emotional needs. This can manifest as a lack of empathy, dismissiveness of feelings, unwillingness to engage in meaningful conversations, or a general disinterest in the other’s inner world. It’s like being invisible in your own relationship – your emotions aren’t acknowledged, validated, or met with support. A partner might be physically present, but emotionally absent, creating a profound sense of loneliness and disconnection. It’s also important to recognize that emotional neglect isn’t always intentional; sometimes, it stems from a partner’s own emotional limitations or unresolved issues.
What are symptoms of emotional abandonment in marriage?
Emotional abandonment in marriage shares similarities with emotional neglect, but often feels more acute and intentional. Symptoms include feeling consistently unsupported, unheard, and unseen by your partner. You might experience a deep sense of loneliness, even when physically together. Other signs include a reluctance from your partner to offer comfort during difficult times, a lack of interest in your hobbies or passions, and an unwillingness to engage in vulnerable conversations. You may also find yourself constantly seeking validation from others outside the marriage, or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your partner’s withdrawal. Over time, this can lead to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and even depression, eroding your sense of self and the foundation of your marriage.
Putting It All Together
It’s important to address emotional neglect in your marriage. If both partners are experiencing relationship commitment, healing and growth are possible. Couples can learn new communication skills and find ways to meet each other’s emotional needs. If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.