That gnawing “what are we?” question can be nerve-wracking, especially when you’re trying to figure out how to ask “what are we” over text. “Gray area” relationships can be confusing, and it’s easy to feel uncertain about where you stand.
But having that conversation is vital. It brings clarity, sets expectations, and defines boundaries.
So, how do you navigate this tricky text-based terrain? We’ll explore assessing the situation, timing your message, crafting the perfect text, and preparing for potential outcomes. Let’s get started.
Before you text…
You might be tempted to whip out your phone and send that “what are we?” text right now, but hold on. Before you do, it’s worth taking a few moments to assess the relationship and your own feelings about it.
Take stock of the situation
Try to objectively evaluate the level of involvement and commitment so far. How often do you talk? How often do you see each other? What kinds of things do you do together? Are you going on actual dates, or just hanging out?
It’s also important to recognize any differences between what you’re hoping for and how the other person is acting. Do their actions match their words?
Trust your gut
Pay attention to your instincts about the relationship. Often, you already know the answer before you even ask the question. Think back on past conversations and interactions. Did they give you any clues about how they feel?
Timing is Everything: When to Send the Text
Don’t rush into asking “what are we?” too soon. Let the relationship develop naturally. Nobody wants to feel pressured.
Think about the context of your relationship. Did something recently happen that has made you feel insecure and in need of reassurance? Or has something positive occurred that makes you wonder if it’s time to take things to the next level?
Also, try to choose a time when your crush isn’t likely to be stressed or busy. You want their full attention when they respond, not a rushed, half-hearted answer.
Crafting the “What Are We?” Text: Key Elements
So, you’ve decided to take the plunge and define the relationship. Here’s how to craft the perfect text, combining directness with a touch of vulnerability:
Directness and Clarity
Don’t play games. Be clear about your feelings and what you’re hoping to achieve with this conversation. It’s better to be upfront than to leave room for misinterpretation.
Try this: “I’ve really been enjoying spending time with you, and I’m wondering where you see this going.”
Expressing Your Feelings
Share a little bit of yourself. Let them know how you feel about the relationship so far. This shows you’re invested and not just looking for a label.
For example: “I’m starting to develop stronger feelings for you, and I’m hoping we’re on the same page.”
Be honest about what you want: “I’m looking for something more serious/committed, and I wanted to see if that aligns with what you’re looking for, too.”
Asking Open-Ended Questions
Encourage a real conversation. Instead of making demands, invite them to share their perspective. This makes it a discussion, not an interrogation.
Try this: “What are you looking for in a relationship right now?” Frame it as a genuine question, not an ultimatum. You want to understand where they’re coming from, too.
Okay, you sent the text. Now what?
Here’s how to handle the different ways your crush might respond.
They feel the same way
Great! If they’re on the same page as you, talk about what “being official” might look like. Where do you see this relationship going? What are your expectations? It’s important to understand what does it really mean to be official.
Then, celebrate! You took a risk, and it paid off.
They don’t feel the same way
Ouch. It’s never fun to hear that someone you like doesn’t like you back. Be prepared to accept their perspective, even if it stings. Can you accept a friendship with this person, or is it best to move on?
Their response is vague or evasive
If they’re hesitant or dodging the question, it might mean they’re not that into you. You have to decide if you’re okay with the ambiguity or if you need to cut your losses and move on to someone who’s excited to be with you.
Frequently Asked Questions
When to ask what we are
Knowing when to define the relationship (DTR) is tricky! There’s no magic number of dates or weeks to wait. Instead, pay attention to the vibe. Are you spending a lot of time together? Are you exclusive, or are you both still seeing other people? Have you had “the talk” about safe sex and exclusivity? If it feels like you’re more than friends, and you’re starting to feel insecure about where things are headed, it’s probably time to gently bring up the conversation. Don’t wait until resentment builds, but also don’t rush into it after one coffee date. Trust your gut and choose a moment when you’re both relaxed and receptive to an honest discussion. It’s okay to want clarity and security!
How do you ask what are you doing over text
While this article focuses on the “what are we” question, if you simply want to know what someone is doing, keep it casual! A simple “Hey, what are you up to?” or “Anything fun planned for today?” works perfectly. Avoid being overly demanding or interrogative. The goal is to initiate a lighthearted conversation, not to put them on the spot. If they’re busy, they’ll likely let you know. And if they’re doing something interesting, it’s a great way to spark a connection and maybe even make plans to hang out!
Final Thoughts
Knowing what you want and communicating clearly are key to any good relationship. Don’t be afraid to put your needs first.
Having the “what are we?” conversation is a step. It might be a step toward a deeper connection, or it might be a step toward realizing you’re not compatible. It’s important to ask for a relationship with clarity to avoid potential heartache.
Whatever happens, remember to take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. If the relationship doesn’t feel right, be ready to walk away. Use a healthy relationship checklist to assess your connection. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things you do.