So, you’ve been seeing someone for a while now. You’re having fun, but you aren’t sure where it’s going. Perhaps it’s time to define the official meaning of your relationship. It might be time to talk about what you both want and need in a relationship. This is sometimes called “defining the relationship,” or DTR.
This conversation is crucial. Talking about how to ask for relationship clarity can help you both avoid misunderstandings, wasted time, and potential heartache.
But how do you start the conversation? What do you say? And when is the right time to bring it up?
This guide provides actionable advice on how to navigate this conversation effectively, focusing on clear communication, timing, and managing expectations.
Before you ask: Self-reflection and timing are key
Before you ask someone for a relationship, you need to be sure you’re clear on what you want and need. Take some time to clarify your own desires, including what you hope to get out of the relationship.
Know yourself
As Jazmin Gathers says, “Know what you want before asking someone else what they want.”
Are you looking for a committed, long-term relationship, or would you prefer something more casual? It’s important to be honest with yourself about your relationship goals, so you can be straightforward with the other person.
Timing is everything
Don’t rush into the “What are we?” conversation before you’ve had a chance to form a genuine connection. The right timing will depend on your individual circumstances and the stage of your relationship.
Look for “green flags” that suggest the other person is also ready to take the relationship to the next level. Consistent communication, a willingness to spend time together, and shared interests can all be indicators that the timing might be right.
Initiating the Conversation: Dos and Don’ts
Okay, you’ve got the courage to have “the talk.” Now, how do you actually start the conversation? Here’s a breakdown of what to do (and definitely not to do) to increase your chances of a smooth, successful discussion.
Setting the Stage
Location, location, location. It matters! Choose a place and time that’s conducive to open and honest communication. That means:
- Relaxed and private: Think comfy couch, not crowded bar. You want an environment where you both feel safe and comfortable sharing your feelings.
- Good timing: Malia Griggs, a relationship expert, suggests having the conversation “at a reasonable time of day, in person or on the phone, and without any substances.” So, skip the late-night, wine-fueled confessions.
- Face-to-face: This is not a text message situation. Charlotte Twine emphatically states, “For the love of god, don’t have ‘the talk’ via texts!” Tone gets lost, misunderstandings happen, and it’s just plain impersonal. While this is generally good advice, there are ways to ask “what are we” over text if an in-person conversation isn’t possible.
Communication Strategies
How you phrase things is key. Keep these tips in mind:
- Be direct: Don’t beat around the bush. Be clear about what kind of relationship you’re looking for. As Julie Krafchick aptly says, “It should always start with what you want.”
- Avoid anxiety-inducing phrases: Steer clear of clichés like “We need to talk.” Lisa Shield warns, “Don’t ever say to somebody ‘We need to talk,’ because that will immediately throw them into a panic.”
- Keep it light: The conversation shouldn’t feel like an interrogation. Andrea Syrtash emphasizes, “The talk shouldn’t be heavy and pressure-filled.” Aim for a positive, open exchange.
Addressing Your Own Anxiety
It’s totally normal to feel nervous! Don’t try to suppress it. Instead:
- Acknowledge your nerves: Being honest about your feelings can actually make you seem more vulnerable and relatable.
- Reframe your perspective: Remind yourself that it’s okay and healthy to ask for what you want. Don’t let the fear of “scaring them off” hold you back. If they’re not on the same page, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.
Navigating the Response and Potential Outcomes
So, you’ve laid your cards on the table. You’ve been vulnerable, honest, and brave enough to ask for what you want. Now what? The response you get from your partner is crucial, and it’s important to handle it with grace, respect, and a healthy dose of self-awareness.
Give them time and space
Don’t expect an immediate answer. Your partner needs time to process what you’ve said and consider their own feelings. As relationship expert Lisa Shield wisely points out, “It doesn’t have to be resolved right then and there.” This isn’t a game of “gotcha.” It’s a significant conversation that deserves thoughtful consideration.
And if the talk doesn’t go as planned? Don’t get discouraged. It might take more than one conversation to reach a mutual understanding.
Accept different outcomes
Be prepared for anything. Your partner might agree wholeheartedly, disagree completely, or express uncertainty. The key is to respect their decision, whatever it may be. Don’t try to manipulate or pressure them into changing their mind. As Rebecca Hendrix emphasizes, “If this is the person you are supposed to be with, there is nothing you can do or ask that is going to make them go away.” Trust that the right path will unfold.
Whether the outcome is positive or negative, accept it gracefully. Acknowledge your own emotions and allow yourself time to process them.
Moving forward
Now comes the hard part: deciding what to do next. Does their response align with your needs and desires? Are you both on the same page? If not, it’s time for some serious soul-searching and to use a healthy relationship checklist.
If you’re not aligned, acknowledge your courage. “If you are not on the same page, first high five yourself for being a badass superhero for asking for what you want.” It takes guts to be vulnerable, and you should be proud of yourself for taking that step.
If you decide to walk away, prioritize self-care. “If you walk away, take time to grieve the connection you had, the friendship, and the fantasies of what you thought you were going to have. Have heaps of compassion for yourself for how hard it was to walk away. Increase your self-care. When your stress level goes up your self-care must go up just as much to keep you in balance.”
Key Considerations and Potential Pitfalls
If you’re looking for a committed relationship, don’t settle for someone who just wants to “have fun.” Make sure they know you’re interested in something more serious and that you have other options if they’re not on the same page.
Setting boundaries is essential. Clearly communicate your expectations early on, so there are no misunderstandings down the road.
When you do have these conversations, try to stay calm and avoid getting overly emotional. It’s important to be rational and clear about what you want.
Finally, don’t let things drag on indefinitely. Establish a timeframe for when you’d like to see the relationship progress to avoid getting stuck in a state of uncertainty.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do you say when asking for a relationship?
When you’re ready to define the relationship, honesty and clarity are key. Start by expressing your feelings and explaining why you value the connection you share. For example, you could say something like, “I really enjoy spending time with you, and I feel like we have something special. I’m wondering if you’re open to exploring a committed relationship.” Tailor your words to your specific situation and comfort level, and be prepared for any response.
How to request for a relationship?
Requesting a relationship isn’t about demanding an answer, but rather opening a dialogue. Find a time when you’re both relaxed and able to talk openly. Be direct and express your desires, but also show that you respect their feelings and boundaries. For example, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about us, and I’m interested in seeing if we could make this a more serious thing. How do you feel about taking our relationship to the next level?” Remember to listen to their response and be willing to discuss any concerns they may have.
How do I ask someone about a relationship?
Asking someone about a relationship requires a gentle approach and genuine curiosity. Start by checking in with them and asking how they feel about the current state of your connection. You could say, “I’ve been enjoying getting to know you, and I’m curious about where you see this going. Are you happy with how things are, or are you looking for something more defined?” This opens the door for them to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling pressured. Be prepared to listen without judgment and have an open conversation about your expectations and desires.
Final Thoughts
Asking for a relationship takes courage. It also takes some self-awareness and a willingness to communicate clearly.
If you’re honest about what you want and respect the other person’s response, you can navigate the “What are we?” conversation with a little more confidence. It’s okay to be vulnerable!
Whatever the outcome, remember that your own needs and well-being are what’s most important. Prioritizing yourself will help you have a more fulfilling dating experience, no matter what happens.