So, you’ve been dating someone, and things seem to be going well. But how many dates before asking to be girlfriend material? It’s a question that plagues singles everywhere, and there’s no easy answer.
Dating can be fraught with ambiguity in this day and age. It’s rare that people are on the same page right away. One person might think you’re exclusive after date number three, while the other might think you’re just hanging out until someone better comes along.
The pressure to DTR (“define the relationship”) can be intense. But don’t worry; we’re here to help you navigate this tricky terrain.
This article provides a framework for deciding when and how to have that conversation. We’ll explore the key signs, typical timelines, and conversation strategies to help you make an informed decision.
The goal is to empower you to decide what you want from the relationship and how to communicate that to the other person.
Defining “Official”: What Does Being a Girlfriend Mean?
Before you even start counting dates, it’s essential to agree on what “girlfriend” actually means. What does commitment look like to each of you? What are your expectations about how often you’ll communicate and what your long-term plans are?
Becoming a girlfriend is a big step beyond casual dating, so you both need to define what “exclusivity” means to you. Are you both comfortable ending things with other people you’re dating? Are you ready to delete those dating apps?
Key components of a girlfriend relationship often include:
- Commitment: A mutual agreement to prioritize the relationship over other romantic options.
- Consistent communication: Open and honest dialogue about how you’re feeling and what you need.
- Future considerations: Starting to think about where the relationship could potentially be headed.
Getting on the same page about these things will help you avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the road.
Signs You’re (or They’re) Ready: Evaluating Readiness for Exclusivity
So, how do you know if it’s time to DTR (define the relationship)? Here are some signs to look for, both in yourself and in your dating partner:
Emotional Connection and Vulnerability
It’s about more than just physical attraction. Are you connecting on a deeper level? Can you talk about things that matter? Can you both be vulnerable and share your feelings openly? If you’re mostly just going through the motions of dating – dinner, a movie, repeat – without digging deeper, it might be too soon.
Do you feel safe sharing your thoughts and feelings? Is there a sense of trust and security? If you’re constantly worried about what the other person thinks or how they’ll react, exclusivity might not be the right move just yet.
Lifestyle Integration
Have you started incorporating your partner into your life? Meeting friends and family is often a big indicator of seriousness. Are you spending significant time together, and are you both prioritizing each other? It’s a good sign if you’ve both started making space for one another.
It’s also about shifting from “me” time to “we” time. Are you willing to adjust your schedule to accommodate your partner? Are you thinking about them when you make plans? It’s not about completely sacrificing your own life, but a healthy relationship means considering each other’s needs and desires.
Handling Challenges Together
This is a big one. How do you navigate disagreements and challenges? Can you listen to each other’s perspectives and find solutions? Every relationship has its bumps in the road, but the key is to see if you can work through them as a couple. If you are constantly fighting or avoiding conflict, it might be a sign that you need more time to develop your communication skills. It’s important to be able to resolve conflict in a way where both parties feel heard and respected.
Do you care about her needs? Do you demonstrate empathy and support during difficult times? Being there for each other, even when it’s not easy, is a crucial part of building a strong and lasting relationship.
Timelines and Context: Does the “Number of Dates” Really Matter?
So, we’ve talked about the signs, but what about the actual timeline? How many dates should you go on before having “the talk?” Honestly, the answer is… it depends.
The Myth of the Perfect Number
There’s no magic number of dates that guarantees a smooth transition to girlfriend/boyfriend status. As dating coach Sarah Kahan puts it, “It is so varied and so individualized… There is no real number that I can give.” Individual circumstances and the specific dynamic you have with the other person are far more important than sticking to some arbitrary rule.
Contextual Considerations
Here’s where things get interesting. The “right” timeframe really depends on how you met and what your initial expectations were:
- Dating App Relationships: If you met on an app and have been actively dating, 3 months might be a reasonable timeframe to have the exclusivity conversation.
- Friendships Evolving into Romance: If you’ve known each other for a while and the relationship is evolving organically, 3-6 months might feel more natural.
- Casual Dating/Sex Buddies: Even if things are primarily physical, around 2 months might be a good time to check in and see if you’re both on the same page. Rushing into a “girlfriend” label can be counterproductive in this scenario.
- Dating Others: If you’re both still seeing other people, take things slowly. Before you even think about the “girlfriend” conversation, you need to end those other casual relationships and ensure you’re both ready for exclusivity.
When to Avoid: 12 Months is Shitty Timing
Seriously. If you’ve been consistently dating someone for a year and haven’t had a conversation about where things are going, that’s a red flag. Either you’re both incredibly avoidant, or someone isn’t taking the relationship seriously. It’s time to have a serious conversation.
Self-Reflection: Are YOU Ready to Be a Boyfriend?
Before you ask someone to be your girlfriend, take some time for honest self-reflection. What are your true intentions? Are you overlooking flaws or making excuses in your mind? Are you rushing into this for the wrong reasons?
Can you truly see a future with this person? Try to envision your life together months and years from now. Do your visions align? Is this a relationship you see lasting?
Are you prepared for the time commitment a committed relationship requires? Do you want to spend a significant amount of your free time with this person?
It’s also important to understand the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation can feel all-consuming. Are you daydreaming and thinking about this person constantly? Are you able to distinguish between the fantasy you’ve built in your head and the reality of who they are as a person?
The more emotionally healthy you are, the less willing you’ll be to let things “coast.” Be honest with yourself. Is this the right relationship for you, right now?
The “Let’s Be Exclusive” Conversation: How to Initiate the Discussion
So, you’ve been on a few dates, things are going well, and you’re starting to think you want to make things official. How do you bring up the “let’s be exclusive” conversation? Here’s a breakdown of how to approach this potentially nerve-wracking discussion:
Planning and Preparation
First things first: timing and location matter. Relationship expert Sarah Kahan emphasizes the importance of a face-to-face conversation: “It’s never okay to do it over email, phone, or text…Serious conversations about where we are going and what we are doing should really be done in person.”
Before you even sit down to talk, take some time to gather your thoughts. What exactly do you want to say? It might even help to practice with a friend to get the words flowing.
Expressing Your Feelings
Honesty is key. Be upfront about how you feel. As Kahan suggests, “Some people are more comfortable being straight up and bringing it up, but other people are not so comfortable…You can say to your partner, ‘I am uncomfortable. I am a little hesitant. I am a little nervous.'” Sharing your vulnerability can make the conversation feel more genuine and less like an interrogation.
Most importantly, clearly communicate your desire for exclusivity. Don’t beat around the bush. State your feelings and intentions directly.
Active Listening and Empathy
Remember, this is a two-way conversation. Be prepared for your partner to have a different perspective or level of readiness. Listen attentively to their thoughts and concerns. Kahan highlights the importance of empathy: “It’s about the ability to really hear each other, to not jump to conclusions, to be able to listen and to be open-minded, and to be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and vice versa.”
By approaching the conversation with honesty, clarity, and empathy, you’ll create a space for open communication and a better chance of achieving the exclusivity you desire.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long should you date before becoming his girlfriend?
Ah, the million-dollar question! There’s no magic number of dates or weeks etched in stone, unfortunately. The “right” time varies wildly depending on individual circumstances, personalities, and the vibe of the connection. Some couples naturally gravitate towards exclusivity after just a few dates, while others prefer several months of casual dating before committing.
Instead of fixating on a timeline, focus on gauging the level of emotional intimacy and compatibility. Are you both enjoying each other’s company? Are you communicating openly and honestly? Are you on the same page regarding expectations and relationship goals? If the answer to these questions is generally “yes,” and you’re both feeling a strong connection, it might be time to have “the talk.”
Trust your gut. If you’re feeling pressured or unsure, it’s perfectly okay to take more time. Don’t let societal expectations or your friends’ experiences dictate your decision. The most important thing is to ensure you’re both comfortable and ready to take the next step. Dating is a journey, not a race!
In Closing
There’s no magic number of dates that will tell you when it’s time to ask someone to be your girlfriend. The right time depends on the people involved, the dynamic between them, and whether you’re both ready for that kind of commitment.
Focus on open communication, thinking about what you want, and building a real connection. Are you connecting on a deeper level? Do you trust your gut feelings about this person?
Whether the answer is “yes” or “not yet,” honesty and respect are critical. As Sarah Kahan said, “If you can talk, and the other person hears you, and you feel heard, and the other person wants to understand you, those are good, healthy signs.”
And if you’re still looking for that connection, well, you might find your new relationship at Match.