Everyone wants fulfilling, healthy relationships. But they don’t just happen. Often, people go into relationships with unrealistic expectations, only to be disappointed when things don’t unfold the way they’d imagined.
Once the initial romantic phase fades, maintaining a healthy relationship takes work. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely doable. After all, a good relationship is worth the effort.
So, how do you get what you want in a relationship? It starts with understanding yourself and your needs, being able to communicate them effectively, and being willing to meet your partner’s needs, too.
This article explores these key strategies for building better relationships, focusing on communication, self-awareness, and mutual understanding, including how to ask a guy where the relationship is going.
You’ll find actionable tips and insights to help you build stronger, more satisfying relationships. Keep reading to learn how to create the kind of connection you’ve always wanted.
Understanding yourself and your desires
It’s really hard to figure out how to get what you want in a relationship if you haven’t first figured out what you want. Here’s how to get started.
Defining your ideal relationship
What does romantic compatibility mean to you? Take a moment to envision what your ideal daily life with a partner would look like. What would you do? What would you talk about? How would you make decisions? What would be important to you?
Now, think about your long-term goals. Where do you want to be in a year? In five years? In ten years? Are there any potential compatibility issues you can foresee?
Finally, define the type of relationship you want. Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all. What works for your best friend might not work for you at all. Your own individual needs and preferences should guide your choices.
This kind of introspection and honesty are essential for identifying your needs and preferences. The more you know yourself, the more likely you are to find someone who fits well into your life.
Understanding your motivations
Why do you want a relationship in the first place? Is it because you genuinely desire companionship and shared experiences, or are you trying to fill a void or escape from something else? It’s important to be honest with yourself about your motivations.
If you find that you’re seeking a relationship out of vulnerability or a lack of emotional security, take a step back. Avoid impulsivity in dating when you’re feeling down. Make sure you’re entering into a relationship for the right reasons.
Prioritize self-fulfillment
Cultivating a fulfilling life outside of relationships strengthens your position and attracts a compatible partner. When you have your own interests, passions, and friendships, you bring more to the table and are less likely to become overly dependent on your partner.
Building self-fulfillment lays a foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. The more secure and content you are as an individual, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate the complexities of a partnership.
Communication: The cornerstone of a healthy relationship
Many people assume that their partner should just instinctively know what they need. But that’s rarely how it works. Solid communication skills are necessary to build the kind of relationship where you both get what you want. That’s why it’s important to:
Have open and honest talks
One of the best things you can do to build a strong, healthy relationship is to talk about your needs early on. Be frank about what you need from a partner. Ask your partner questions, too, so you can understand what they need. If you can get these conversations going early in the relationship, you can head off problems before they get started.
Don’t just talk — communicate
Communication is more than just talking. It’s about understanding and expressing emotions in detail. If you want to truly communicate, you’ve got to get a feel for the nuances of your partner’s feelings and express your own just as clearly. Break out a thesaurus if you have to!
Address unmet needs
What happens when you’ve done your best to communicate, but you still feel like your needs aren’t being met? Here are a couple of common stumbling blocks to avoid:
- You haven’t communicated your needs clearly. This might sound harsh, but you’ve got to be as specific as possible. If you don’t know what you need, you can’t expect your partner to read your mind. Spend some time clarifying your own needs, and you’ll be in a better position to set healthy boundaries and ask for what you want. Framing your requests in terms of “we” instead of “me” can also encourage cooperation.
- You become angry and hostile when your needs aren’t met. If you find yourself getting angry or hostile, take a step back. It’s hard to have a productive conversation when emotions are running high. Practice clear communication, avoid getting angry, and always be mindful of your partner’s needs as well as your own.
MEETING EACH OTHER’S NEEDS: LOVE LANGUAGES AND BEYOND
It’s important to realize that what makes you feel loved might not be the same for your partner. Understanding how your partner receives love is key to making them feel content, secure, and cherished in the relationship.
Understanding Love Languages
Each person has a specific way of experiencing love that Dr. Gary Chapman calls their “love language.” These languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Understanding your partner’s love language can strengthen communication and appreciation. It’s about responding to their needs in subtle ways, not just grand gestures. Meeting your partner’s needs means learning their language and speaking it fluently.
Small gestures matter
It’s the small things, the tiny moments that happen consistently over time, that lead to a deep sense of trust and contentment in relationships. The best way to see how well someone can love you is to love them well.
Fulfilling Relational Needs
When you don’t get what you want or need in a relationship, it’s easy to become frustrated. It’s at this point that you need to take a step back and assess whether you’re being realistic about what you need.
If your expectations are unrealistic, you’ll need to adjust them or have a discussion with your partner about ways to bridge the gap between your needs and what they’re able to provide. Incompatibility is a less common, but still possible, cause of unmet needs.
To create a sense of safety, significance, and connection, you might want to try a weekly check-in or “State of the Union” meeting. This can be helpful for maintaining good communication and ensuring that both partners feel heard and understood, especially when defining the relationship.
Navigating challenges: conflict, vulnerability, and forgiveness
Even in the best relationships, obstacles will arise. How you navigate these challenges will determine the strength and longevity of your bond. Here’s how to approach conflict, vulnerability, and forgiveness:
Embracing vulnerability and building trust
Relationships are built on vulnerability. Taking the risk to be honest and open about your feelings, fears, and desires fosters trust and deepens intimacy. It’s not always easy, but it’s necessary for a healthy, fulfilling connection.
To be truly vulnerable, you need to understand your own baggage. What past experiences are you bringing into the relationship? What are your triggers? What are your insecurities? Understanding yourself is crucial for improving relationship dynamics.
Remember that feelings aren’t always a reliable guide. While it’s important to acknowledge and validate your emotions, conscious decisions are crucial for navigating relationship challenges. Don’t let fleeting feelings dictate your actions.
Conflict resolution and forgiveness
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The key is to approach it constructively. Don’t shy away from confrontation; instead, learn to address issues with respect and a willingness to understand your partner’s perspective.
This means actively listening, validating their feelings, and expressing your own needs clearly and respectfully. Avoid blaming, name-calling, and other destructive behaviors. Focus on finding solutions that work for both of you.
And speaking of solutions, sometimes the best solution is forgiveness. Forgiveness is essential for growth and maintaining a healthy relationship. It doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, but it does mean letting go of resentment and moving forward.
It also means accepting imperfections. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Forgive your partner, and forgive yourself. It’s the only way to build a lasting, loving connection.
Realistic expectations and ongoing growth
Relationships are living things. They change over time. That’s why it’s so important to stay grounded in reality and keep growing as a person.
Manage your expectations
One of the biggest relationship killers is having unrealistic expectations. We all have needs, but it’s important to ask yourself if what you’re expecting from your partner is actually achievable. If not, it’s time to adjust your expectations or have an open and honest conversation about them.
Here’s a hard truth: Feelings aren’t always a reliable guide in relationships. Those butterflies you felt at the beginning? They’re not going to be there forever. Conscious decisions and effort are what keep a relationship strong over the long haul. Plus, if you want a relationship to thrive, it’s important to have a fulfilling life outside of it. What do you love to do? Make sure you’re doing it!
Relationship building is an ongoing process
Finding a partner isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. Your needs will change as you grow, so it’s important to stay aware of what you’re looking for in a relationship. Remember that relationships evolve beyond the initial romantic phase. That’s perfectly normal! But it does mean that you need to put in conscious effort to keep the connection strong.
Take a look at your current relationships with friends and family. What qualities do you value in those connections? Identifying those traits can help you understand what you want in a romantic partner, too.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the 5 5 5 rule in relationships?
Ah, the 5/5/5 rule! You’ll see it floating around, but it’s not some universally accepted relationship commandment etched in stone. Think of it more as a guideline, a conversation starter, really. The core idea revolves around five compliments, five requests, and five complaints. The goal? To communicate your needs and feelings in a balanced way, making sure you’re both giving and receiving. It pushes you to be specific and thoughtful.
The five compliments are all about acknowledging what you appreciate in your partner. It’s about the small things, the daily gestures, the qualities that make them them. It’s not just saying “you’re great;” it’s saying “I really appreciate how you always make me laugh, even when I’m stressed.”
The five requests are your needs. What do you want? Maybe it’s more date nights, maybe it’s help with chores, maybe it’s more emotional support. The key is to frame them as requests, not demands. “Could we try to have one date night a week?” sounds a lot better than “You never take me out!”
And finally, the five complaints. This is where things get tricky! It’s about addressing issues without blaming. Focus on your feelings and the impact of their actions, not on attacking their character. “I feel hurt when you interrupt me during conversations” is much more effective than “You’re always so rude!”
It’s a starting point for open, honest communication, but remember, relationships are complex. Adapt the “rule” to fit your unique dynamic and communication style. Don’t treat it as a rigid formula, but as a tool for building a stronger connection.
Final Thoughts
Getting what you want in a relationship isn’t a one-time achievement; it’s an ongoing process that requires self-awareness, clear communication, and a willingness to put in the work. By understanding your own needs, expressing them clearly, and actively striving to meet your partner’s needs in return, you can build a stronger and more fulfilling connection.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, and when conflicts inevitably arise, approach them constructively, seeking understanding and compromise rather than aiming to “win.” Remember that both you and your partner are imperfect, and forgiveness is essential for navigating the inevitable bumps in the road. Relationships are a journey of growth and evolution, not a destination.
Ultimately, the most successful relationships are those where both partners feel fulfilled and supported. By prioritizing your own well-being, maintaining realistic expectations, and communicating openly, you can create a relationship that thrives, allowing both of you to get more of what you want and need from the partnership.