Covert narcissists aren’t like the stereotypical narcissists you see on TV. They’re often shy, sensitive, and even play the victim. But underneath that facade lies a deep need for admiration and control.
One of the most damaging aspects of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is their tendency to cheat. But unlike overt narcissists, their infidelity is often subtle and manipulative, making it difficult to detect and address.
Let’s explore the specific, subtle, and often heartbreaking covert narcissist cheating patterns that can leave their partners feeling confused, betrayed, and questioning their sanity. After all, cheating is hard enough to get over on its own, but when a covert narcissist is involved, it’s even more difficult to recognize and address. If you’re wondering can you stay together after being cheated on, there are steps to heal.
Understanding covert narcissism
Covert narcissists have a deep need to be admired and validated, and they want to control the people around them. But they mask these desires with what seems like humility and sensitivity. They tend to be passive-aggressive and good at manipulating others.
This is in contrast to overt narcissists, who are more grandiose and obviously seek attention. Covert narcissists are more subtle and withdrawn.
The “victim” mentality
Covert narcissists often play the victim. This allows them to get sympathy from others and manipulate them into meeting their needs.
Because they seem so wounded, it can be difficult to recognize that they’re actually manipulating you. You may find yourself bending over backward to help them, only to find that your efforts are never enough.
Why Covert Narcissists Cheat
Why do covert narcissists cheat? Typically, it’s because they crave attention and validation from sources outside their primary relationship. They’re also driven by a need to feel powerful and in control.
Because narcissists lack empathy, they don’t consider their partner’s feelings when they cheat. They view themselves as more important than everyone else and believe their needs should come first.
It can be hard to imagine that a seemingly harmless, selfless person would cheat on their partner. But covert narcissists are masters of disguise.
Despite their constant need for admiration, covert narcissists are often deeply insecure. They look for validation from multiple sources, because, deep down, they don’t believe they are worthy of love.
COMMON CHEATING PATTERNS OF COVERT NARCISSISTS
When you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, cheating can take many forms. It’s often not as simple as a one-night stand. Instead, it’s more likely to be a carefully constructed web of deceit designed to protect their fragile ego and maintain control.
Emotional Affairs
An emotional affair is a deep emotional connection with someone outside the primary relationship. These connections often start online, where the covert narcissist can create a false persona and easily connect with others. The key is that these connections undermine the primary relationship. They might involve sharing intimate details, seeking emotional support, or even just spending a lot of time and energy on someone who isn’t their partner.
For example, a covert narcissist might develop a close friendship with a colleague, constantly confiding in them about problems at home. Over time, this can morph into an emotional connection that takes precedence over the relationship with their spouse.
Manipulation
Covert narcissists are masters of manipulation, using it to facilitate and conceal their cheating. They might make their partners question their own judgment, doubt their experiences, or even blame them for their own actions and unhappiness. This makes it easier for them to cheat without being caught or held accountable.
Imagine a scenario where the covert narcissist has been unfaithful. Instead of taking responsibility, they might manipulate their partner into believing it was their fault, blaming them for not being attentive enough or for causing problems in the relationship.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of manipulation that aims to confuse and manipulate partners into questioning their perceptions and sanity. It can be helpful to have some phrases to shut down gaslighting and regain control. The covert narcissist will deny things that happened, distort reality, and make their partner feel like they’re going crazy. This erodes the victim’s sense of reality and makes them more dependent on the narcissist.
A classic example is cheating and then vehemently denying any wrongdoing, even when confronted with evidence. They might say, “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re just being paranoid.” This can lead the partner to question their own sanity and memory.
Compartmentalization
Covert narcissists are skilled at compartmentalization, which allows them to maintain separate lives without their partner’s awareness. They keep different aspects of their lives separate, making it easier to hide their infidelity.
For instance, they might maintain separate relationships with different phone numbers or email addresses to conceal their infidelity. They might have one social circle where they are seen as a devoted partner and another where they are actively pursuing other relationships.
Denial
Denial is a key tactic used to deflect blame and avoid accountability. The covert narcissist will refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, minimizing the impact of their infidelity and making excuses for their behavior.
Even when confronted with undeniable evidence of cheating, they might deny any wrongdoing, using manipulative tactics to deflect blame. They might say, “It didn’t mean anything,” or “You’re blowing things out of proportion.” This allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and continue their cheating behavior.
The Emotional Toll on the Partner
The damage done by a covert narcissist’s infidelity can be devastating. It’s not just the betrayal itself, but the constant gaslighting and manipulation that leaves the partner feeling confused, isolated, and like they’re losing their mind. You might feel like you’re going crazy, and that’s exactly what the narcissist wants.
This kind of betrayal is incredibly difficult to heal from. Because the abuse is so subtle and manipulative, it’s hard to even recognize it as abuse. This can sometimes lead to abandonment trauma. You might question your own sanity and wonder if you’re overreacting. This makes it even harder to address the problem and begin the healing process.
If you’re dealing with this, please seek professional help. A therapist can provide the support and guidance you need to navigate the aftermath of infidelity and narcissistic abuse. You deserve to heal and rebuild your life.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you know if a covert narcissist is lying?
Detecting lies from a covert narcissist can be tricky. They often use subtle manipulation tactics, such as playing the victim or deflecting blame. Look for inconsistencies in their stories, a general lack of accountability, and a tendency to distort reality to fit their narrative. Trust your gut feeling if something seems off.
What are the patterns of a covert narcissist?
Covert narcissists often display patterns of passive-aggression, self-pity, and a constant need for validation. They may appear shy or insecure but harbor deep-seated feelings of entitlement. They frequently engage in subtle forms of manipulation and may use guilt or emotional blackmail to control others.
What does a covert narcissist want?
Covert narcissists crave attention, admiration, and control, much like overt narcissists, but they seek these things in more subtle ways. They want to feel superior but often lack the confidence to openly assert themselves. They want to be seen as good, kind, and misunderstood, which is why they often play the victim.
How to call out a narcissist for cheating?
Confronting a narcissist about cheating is rarely productive. They’re likely to deny, deflect, or blame you for their actions. If you choose to confront them, be prepared for gaslighting and emotional manipulation. The best approach is often to prioritize your own well-being and focus on detaching yourself from the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Covert narcissists who cheat tend to engage in emotional affairs, manipulation, gaslighting, compartmentalization, and denial.
If you think your partner might be a covert narcissist or that they might be cheating, listen to your gut. Don’t discount your own instincts.
Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist can be incredibly emotionally draining and potentially damaging. If you need help sorting through your feelings and deciding what to do next, don’t hesitate to seek professional support.