Love is a many-splendored thing, as the song says. It’s also a complicated thing.
Love ranges from the first spark of attraction to the comfort of companionship that builds over decades. It’s a spectrum, not a single emotion.
Sometimes, what looks like love is really something else. Our culture often romanticizes what is actually a healthy obsession in relationships, or something even more unhealthy. Books, movies, and TV shows often portray obsessive love as passionate, exciting, and desirable. But in reality, healthy obsession in relationships is unhealthy at best.
This article can help you tell the difference between love and obsession. It explains the characteristics of each. You’ll also learn strategies for dealing with obsessive behaviors. Read on to find out if what you’re feeling is love, a healthy obsession in relationships, or something else entirely.
WHAT IS HEALTHY LOVE?
Healthy love is built on a foundation of connection, trust, and respect. You feel safe and secure with your partner, knowing they have your back and you have theirs.
In a healthy relationship, each partner maintains their own identity. You have your own friends, hobbies, and interests outside of the relationship. You can be your own person without feeling guilty or like you’re neglecting your partner.
Healthy love means you and your partner support each other’s growth. You encourage each other to pursue your personal and professional goals. You celebrate each other’s successes and offer comfort during setbacks.
Open communication is also key. You can talk about your feelings, even the difficult ones, without fear of judgment or rejection. When disagreements arise (and they will!), you can work through them constructively, finding solutions that work for both of you. Healthy love isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about resolving it in a way that strengthens the bond between you.
WHAT IS OBSESSIVE LOVE?
Obsessive love is an extreme and unhealthy kind of infatuation. It’s characterized by extreme feelings, obsessions, and controlling behaviors. If you’re in an obsessive relationship, you may be spending most of your time thinking about what your partner is doing. You may even feel like you’re losing track of who you are as a person.
Obsessive love is all about:
- control
- possession
- a constant fear of loss
You may be wondering whether there’s a difference between obsessive love and infatuation. Well, infatuation is a common stage at the start of many healthy relationships. It’s that time when you can’t stop thinking about the other person, and you’re always excited to see them. But in a healthy relationship, the infatuation fades over time, and you start to see the other person for who they really are — flaws and all.
Obsessive love, on the other hand, is a different beast. It’s like infatuation on steroids. It’s all-consuming, and it doesn’t fade over time. Instead, it grows stronger and more intense. And unlike healthy infatuation, obsessive love is characterized by controlling and possessive behaviors. If you’re in an obsessive relationship, you may feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, afraid to do or say anything that might upset your partner.
Signs and Symptoms of Obsessive Love
Obsessive love isn’t just about grand romantic gestures; it’s about a pattern of behaviors and thought processes that create an unhealthy dynamic. It’s important to recognize these signs in yourself or in a partner to address the issue before it escalates.
Behavioral Indicators
- Extreme possessiveness and jealousy: Someone experiencing obsessive love will exhibit extreme possessiveness, often viewing their partner as property rather than an individual.
- Constant need for validation and reassurance: This person needs constant validation from their partner, seeking reassurance that they are loved and valued, often to an excessive degree.
- Controlling behaviors and attempts to isolate the partner: They may try to control every aspect of their partner’s life, from their clothing to their social interactions. Obsessive love can show up as addictive behaviors, spending too much time with the loved one, cutting off other relationships, and psychological or physical control.
- Insistence on constant contact and monitoring of whereabouts: Expect constant texts, calls, and inquiries about their partner’s location. They need to know where their partner is at all times.
- Stalking behaviors: In extreme cases, obsessive love can lead to stalking, both online and in person.
Emotional and Psychological Indicators
- Intense anxiety and fear of abandonment: A core fear drives the obsessive behaviors – the fear of being abandoned. This manifests as intense anxiety when the partner is not present or perceived as distant.
- Fixation on the partner, with constant thoughts and fantasies: They simply can’t stop thinking about their partner. Research shows that in the early stages of love, people tend to fixate on minor details, but in obsessive love, this fixation becomes all-consuming.
- Difficulty accepting rejection or ending the relationship: Rejection is met with extreme resistance, and the idea of ending the relationship is unbearable.
- Delusional jealousy: Delusional jealousy, a symptom of underlying mental health issues, is a particularly damaging form of obsessive love and affects about 0.1% of adults.
Relationship Dynamics
- Moving too quickly in the relationship: They often rush into commitment, pushing for a level of intimacy and involvement that is disproportionate to the length of the relationship.
- Neglecting other relationships and responsibilities: They neglect friends and family, often preventing their partner from spending time with loved ones as well.
- Placing conditions on the relationship: They may set unrealistic or unfair conditions on the relationship, demanding sacrifices and loyalty that are not reciprocated.
What causes obsessive love?
Obsessive love can stem from a tangled web of psychological, biological, and situational factors.
Psychological factors
One of the biggest contributing factors to obsessive love is attachment disorders stemming from trauma. Research has shown a strong relationship between attachment styles and the likelihood of developing obsessive behaviors, suggesting that insecure attachment may make some individuals more prone to unhealthy fixations.
Underlying mental health conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) can also contribute to obsessive love. These conditions often involve intense emotional dysregulation and intrusive thoughts, which can fuel obsessive tendencies in relationships.
Past relationship experiences, particularly those involving trauma or abandonment, can also play a significant role. These experiences can create deep-seated fears and insecurities that manifest as obsessive behaviors in subsequent relationships.
Biological and genetic factors
A family history of psychiatric problems, particularly delusional disorder, is another potential risk factor for obsessive love. While the exact genetic mechanisms are not fully understood, there is evidence to suggest that certain genetic predispositions may increase the likelihood of developing obsessive behaviors.
The potential role of neurotransmitters and brain chemistry is also being investigated. Imbalances in certain neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and dopamine, have been linked to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, suggesting that they may also play a role in obsessive love.
Situational factors
Situational factors, such as unemployment and social isolation, can also contribute to obsessive love. These circumstances can create feelings of loneliness and insecurity, which may lead individuals to seek validation and fulfillment through obsessive relationships.
Being in a helper role, such as a caregiver or therapist, may also increase the risk of developing obsessive love, particularly for women. This may be due to the intense emotional connection and sense of responsibility that can develop in these relationships.
The dark side of obsessive love
It’s important to remember that obsessive love is, at its core, unhealthy. It can lead to a number of negative consequences for both the person experiencing the obsession and the object of their affections.
Emotional and Psychological Distress
Obsessive love can trigger intense feelings of anxiety, depression, and even helplessness. The constant need for reassurance and validation can chip away at self-esteem, leading to significant identity issues as well.
Relationship Dysfunction
Obsessive behaviors erode trust and intimacy. A relationship built on control and fear can hardly be called a loving one. This can create an emotionally neglectful dynamic; find out now if your marriage is emotionally neglectful. In fact, obsessive love can lead to increased conflict and, tragically, even abuse. An obsessive partner may resort to verbal or physical abuse in an attempt to maintain control. The relationship can also lead to a loss of individuality and freedom for both partners. If this sounds familiar, spot the signs of disrespect and abuse.
Social and Occupational Impairment
An obsessive partner may start to neglect friends and family, and even prevent their partner from spending time with loved ones. This kind of isolation can have a devastating effect on the relationship. The inability to focus on anything other than the object of their obsession can also lead to difficulty concentrating at work or school. In extreme cases, obsessive behavior can even lead to legal consequences, such as stalking or harassment charges.
Strategies for dealing with obsessive love
Obsessive love can take a serious toll on all parties involved. Here are some strategies for managing it, whether you are the one experiencing obsessive feelings or the partner of someone who is.
If you’re the one experiencing obsessive feelings
- Acknowledge the problem and seek professional help. If you recognize these patterns in yourself, it’s essential to seek support from a mental health professional.
- Develop healthy coping mechanisms. Therapy can help you develop strategies for managing anxiety and intrusive thoughts without relying on obsessive behaviors.
- Rebuild social connections and engage in hobbies. Support your partner’s hobbies and interests, and cultivate your own. Reconnecting with friends and pursuing activities you enjoy can help shift your focus away from the object of your obsession.
- Practice self-compassion and focus on personal growth. Be kind to yourself. Obsessive love often stems from deep-seated insecurities. Focus on building self-esteem and self-worth.
If you’re the partner of someone experiencing obsessive feelings
- Set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently. Boundaries are crucial for your well-being. This might involve limiting contact, defining acceptable behavior, and sticking to those limits.
- Communicate assertively and avoid engaging in arguments. Express your needs and feelings clearly and directly, without getting drawn into circular arguments.
- Reassure your partner of your love and commitment, but avoid feeding the obsession. It’s okay to offer reassurance, but avoid excessive or repetitive reassurance that reinforces their obsessive thoughts.
- Be firm but compassionate when addressing concerning behaviors. It’s important to be firm and direct when addressing obsessive or controlling behaviors. However, try to do so with compassion, recognizing that your partner is likely struggling with underlying issues.
- Prioritize your own safety and well-being. If you feel threatened or unsafe, seek help from friends, family, or law enforcement.
- Consider seeking professional help for yourself and the relationship. A therapist can provide support and guidance in navigating this complex situation.
Professional treatment options
- Psychotherapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are often used to treat obsessive love.
- Medication. Medication can help manage underlying mental health conditions that contribute to obsessive love.
- Safety plans and legal interventions. In cases of danger or stalking, safety plans and legal interventions may be necessary to protect the victim.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the symptoms of obsessive love?
Obsessive love manifests in several ways, including excessive attention and affection that feels overwhelming, constant need for reassurance, extreme jealousy and possessiveness, controlling behaviors, difficulty accepting boundaries, and intense anxiety or distress when separated from the object of affection. Stalking or monitoring their partner’s activities are also common, concerning signs. It’s crucial to remember that obsessive love is rooted in insecurity and control, not genuine care.
What is an example of a good obsession?
While “obsession” often carries negative connotations, a “good obsession” is really about passionate dedication. Think of a musician intensely focused on perfecting their craft, a scientist relentlessly pursuing a breakthrough, or an athlete committed to achieving peak performance. The key difference is that these “obsessions” are self-driven, promote personal growth, and don’t infringe on the well-being or autonomy of others. They’re fueled by intrinsic motivation and a desire for mastery, not a need to control or possess another person.
Can obsession be healthy in a relationship?
No, true obsession is never healthy in a relationship. The term “obsession” implies an unhealthy fixation, control, and a lack of respect for boundaries. What might be mistaken for “obsession” is actually intense passion, deep affection, and a strong desire to connect. In a healthy relationship, these feelings are balanced with trust, respect, and the ability to maintain individuality. If your feelings are causing distress, controlling your actions, or negatively impacting your partner, it’s important to seek professional help.
Wrapping Up
It’s important to remember the difference between healthy love and an unhealthy obsession. If you’re starting to feel obsessed with your partner, or you notice that your partner is overly focused on you, it’s time to take a step back and evaluate what’s going on.
Healthy relationships are built on clear boundaries, open communication, and a commitment to individual well-being. It’s okay to have other friends and interests outside of your relationship. It’s important to maintain those social connections, too.
If you’re struggling with obsessive thoughts or behaviors, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and support as you work to develop healthier relationship patterns. It’s also important to seek professional help if you’re on the receiving end of obsessive behaviors from someone else.
Ultimately, fulfilling and healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and a genuine desire for the other person’s happiness. Strive to create a relationship where both partners feel safe, supported, and empowered to be their best selves.