Sexting—sending sexually explicit messages or images—is a pretty common way to communicate these days, especially among young adults. Studies show that about 75% of young adults have tried it.
To understand how sexting works in relationships, it’s helpful to know a little about attachment theory. This theory suggests that the way we connect with others in relationships is shaped by our early experiences with caregivers. According to psychologists Hazan and Shaver (1987), there are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant.
This article explores the connection between avoidant attachment styles and sexting behaviors. People with an avoidant attachment style often have difficulty with intimacy and closeness. So, how does that play out in the digital world of sexting?
What is avoidant attachment?
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may find it difficult to get emotionally close to someone. You might:
- Have trouble with intimacy
- Keep your emotions bottled up
- Prefer to keep your distance from others
- Feel uneasy when someone else depends on you or when you depend on someone else
Avoidant attachment generally stems from childhood experiences where your emotional needs weren’t consistently met. As a result, you learned to suppress your feelings and rely primarily on yourself.
Dismissive-avoidant vs. fearful-avoidant
There are two main subtypes of avoidant attachment:
- Dismissive-avoidant: People with this style have a high sense of self-reliance and actively avoid getting close to others.
- Fearful-avoidant: People with this style want intimacy but fear rejection, which leads to them sending very mixed signals in relationships.
Sexting and attachment style: Is there a connection?
Attachment theory suggests that the way we relate to others in our adult lives is shaped by the experiences we had early in life. That includes how we communicate digitally. People with different attachment styles tend to have different approaches to sexting, too.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might use “hyperactivating” strategies, like constantly texting to seek reassurance that the other person is still interested. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might use “deactivating” strategies, like withdrawing or keeping your distance.
How avoidant attachment affects sexting
For people with an avoidant attachment style, sexting can be a way to keep intimacy at a manageable level. It offers a feeling of connection without requiring a lot of emotional vulnerability or investment.
An avoidant person might be motivated to sext for the following reasons:
- To experience physical pleasure without getting emotionally entangled.
- To keep a relationship going while still maintaining a certain distance.
Sexting allows them to feel connected without having to get too close, which can be a comfortable arrangement for someone who values independence and autonomy.
Sexting in established relationships
You might think that sending sexy texts and photos would be more common in long-term relationships as partners become more comfortable with one another. Different dating styles and relationship types can influence this. But studies seem to suggest that sexting is more prevalent among younger adults.
One study found that only about 12% of people in established relationships engaged in sexting. Why is that? It could be that couples who have been together for a while have settled into a comfortable communication pattern that doesn’t require sexting. Or maybe the increased comfort and security they feel simply makes sexting unnecessary.
Even in established relationships, a person’s attachment style can influence whether they sext. For example, research suggests that women with an avoidant attachment style may be more prone to sending nude or semi-nude photos. And men with an anxious attachment style may also be more likely to send those kinds of photos.
Interestingly, sending sexy text messages doesn’t seem to correlate with attachment styles in established relationships. Perhaps those kinds of messages are so commonplace in our culture that they don’t trigger the same attachment-related anxieties as sending a nude photo might.
Does sexting mean a happier relationship?
The short answer? Not necessarily. The long answer is more complicated.
Research on sexting and relationship satisfaction is all over the place. Some studies have found a link between sexting and higher relationship well-being. Others suggest that sexting may be connected to ambivalence in relationships, especially when nude or semi-nude photos are involved. Why all the conflicting results?
Attachment style plays a big role.
Attachment style can change how sexting affects relationship satisfaction. For people with avoidant attachment styles, sexting may not lead to more relationship satisfaction because they aren’t comfortable with emotional intimacy.
It’s important to remember that we’re all different. The type of relationship, the kind of sexting involved, and each person’s attachment style all affect the role of sexting in a relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
What triggers an avoidant attachment style?
Avoidant attachment styles typically develop in childhood due to inconsistent or neglectful caregiving. Children learn to suppress their emotional needs because they perceive that their caregivers are unavailable or unresponsive. Specific triggers in adulthood can vary, but often involve situations that threaten their independence or require emotional vulnerability. These might include:
- Demands for Intimacy: Feeling pressured to become closer or share feelings.
- Expressions of Neediness: Partners expressing strong emotional needs or dependence.
- Conflict: Disagreements or arguments can trigger a desire to withdraw and avoid confrontation.
- Loss of Control: Situations where they feel their autonomy is compromised.
- Commitment: Serious discussions about long-term commitment can be anxiety-provoking.
Essentially, anything that challenges their sense of self-sufficiency can activate avoidant behaviors.
What are people with avoidant attachment like in bed?
In the bedroom, people with avoidant attachment styles often prioritize physical pleasure over emotional connection. They may enjoy sex but struggle with intimacy or vulnerability during or after. Some common characteristics include:
- Focus on Performance: A tendency to focus on technique and physical satisfaction rather than emotional bonding.
- Emotional Distance: Difficulty expressing emotions or connecting emotionally during sex.
- Avoidance of Cuddling: Discomfort with cuddling or other forms of physical affection after sex.
- Preference for Casual Encounters: Some may prefer casual sex or relationships to avoid emotional entanglement.
- Difficulty with Vulnerability: Resistance to sharing fantasies or desires that might make them feel vulnerable.
It’s important to remember that these are generalizations, and individual experiences can vary widely. Communication and understanding are key in any relationship, regardless of attachment style.
Putting It All Together
People with an avoidant attachment style might use sexting as a way to create distance in a relationship. The connection between sexting and relationship satisfaction is complicated, and a person’s attachment style plays a role.
It’s really important to understand your own attachment style and how you communicate in relationships. Learning ways to improve communication in relationships can significantly benefit both you and your partner. If you’re avoidant, you might be using sexting in ways that are ultimately unhelpful for you and your partner.
Future research could explore the long-term effects of sexting on relationships, and how those effects vary with different attachment styles. Another area to investigate is how sexting helps maintain intimacy in long-distance relationships, especially for people who are avoidant.