Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When you communicate well, understand each other, and trust each other, you feel closer – and tools like connection cards with insightful questions can help unlock teamwork and better communication.
But poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and distance.
Many couples struggle to communicate as well as they once did. Over time, it can feel as if you and your partner have just stopped communicating. Maybe you argue more often, or maybe you’ve withdrawn emotionally.
If you want a relationship that lasts, you have to focus on improving communication skills. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
Here are 7 ways to improve communication in relationships, from expressing your needs to understanding your partner’s point of view.
Understanding the landscape: Identifying your relationship needs
Before you can improve communication in your relationship, you need to understand what you want and expect from your partner. Here’s how to begin.
The importance of self-reflection
The most important thing you can do to improve communication is to spend some time understanding yourself and your needs. What makes you feel loved, supported, and secure? What are your expectations for your partner? Once you understand your own needs, you’ll be better equipped to communicate them clearly and effectively.
Six key relationship needs
Although every relationship is unique, research has shown that most people have these six core needs, including understanding men’s needs for respect, purpose, and connection:
- Emotional support. You need to feel understood and cared for by your partner.
- Trust and honesty. You need to believe that your partner is reliable and truthful.
- Respect and appreciation. You need to feel valued for who you are.
- Quality time. You need to spend meaningful moments together, even with busy schedules, and continue to date your spouse with creative ideas.
- Physical intimacy. You need to experience closeness and connection.
- Support for personal growth. You need to feel encouraged to pursue your goals.
Setting the Stage: The Importance of a Soft Startup
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how you start the conversation makes all the difference. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman call this a “soft startup,” and it’s crucial for successful communication.
A “soft startup” means starting difficult conversations gently and respectfully. This means leaving out any accusatory language, criticism, or contempt. Starting the conversation with these things will only make things worse.
Instead, talk about your feelings using “I” statements and focus on your own experience. For example, instead of saying “You always ignore me,” try something like “I feel ignored when I don’t hear from you for long periods of time.” See the difference?
Starting conversations with kindness and understanding sets a positive tone and makes it easier to resolve conflicts in a constructive way. After all, you’re on the same team!
Decoding the Message: Connecting to Underlying Emotions
Arguments aren’t really about who’s right or wrong. More often than not, they’re about emotions, perceptions, and unmet needs. As Dr. Sue Johnson says, we need to “listen to the music” and recognize the underlying emotions being expressed.
What’s the real message behind that complaint or harsh word? Usually, it’s a plea for connection, a longing to be understood and cared for. If you can identify the emotions beneath the surface, you’ll be much better able to communicate effectively.
One way to do this is to practice empathy. Try to understand where your partner is coming from and how they might be feeling. Ask questions to get a better understanding of their emotional state.
You might not agree with their perspective, but you can still validate their feelings. Let them know you care about how they feel and that you’re willing to listen. Validation is a powerful tool for de-escalating conflict and creating a more supportive environment.
The art of active listening and empathy
Communication is more than just talking. It’s also about deeply listening and truly understanding your partner’s perspective. To build strong communication skills, try active listening and cultivating empathy.
Practice active listening
This means giving your partner your full attention. Really pay attention to the words they use, as well as their body language and tone of voice. Don’t interrupt, and take time to summarize what they’re saying to make sure you understand the message correctly. Ask clarifying questions to better understand their point of view.
Cultivating empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. To communicate with empathy, you’ll need to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to see the situation from their point of view. You can show empathy through your words and actions by acknowledging your partner’s feelings and validating their experience.
It’s also important to avoid judgement and criticism. Instead, focus on understanding and supporting your partner. If you can do this, you can build a stronger and more supportive relationship.
Cooling Down: Taking Space When Necessary
Sometimes, no matter how much you try to communicate effectively, things get heated. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions and can’t think straight, you’re experiencing what’s called “emotional flooding.” When this happens, it’s time to step away.
Taking a break can help you both calm down and get some perspective. The key is to agree to come back to the conversation later, when you’re both feeling more level-headed.
During your time apart, focus on calming activities. Exercise, meditation, or even just spending time in nature can help you reset. And, most importantly, resist the urge to keep replaying the argument in your head.
When you come back together with a calmer, more rational mindset, you’ll be much more likely to have a productive conversation and find a resolution.
Finding Common Ground and Working Together
Instead of trying to “win” every argument, try to find solutions that satisfy both of your needs. Brainstorm together. Talk about the pros and cons of different options. See if you can discover a path forward that makes you both happy. This is the essence of compromise.
Be willing to make concessions. A healthy relationship involves give and take. Both partners need to be flexible and willing to meet each other halfway. If one person is always getting their way, resentment is sure to build.
Remember, you’re a team, working together to build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship. Conflicts aren’t signs of failure; they’re opportunities to learn and grow. Think of them as puzzles to solve together, not battles to be won.
Finally, try to stay in the present. It’s easy to dredge up past hurts and grievances, but that just poisons the well. Focus on the here and now, and on finding solutions that will make your future brighter.
The Power of Apology
Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology. It can be the key to healing and strengthening a relationship after a conflict.
A good apology starts with acknowledging the impact your actions had on your partner. You need to show that you understand how your behavior affected them.
Then, express remorse for what you did and take responsibility for your mistakes. Don’t make excuses or try to shift the blame onto your partner.
Be specific in your apology. For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry I hurt you,” try “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know that was hurtful and disrespectful.”
A genuine apology can rebuild trust and pave the way for forgiveness, allowing you and your partner to move forward in a positive direction.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 7 steps of effective communication?
While there isn’t one universally agreed-upon set of “7 steps,” the core principles of effective communication can be broken down into several key elements. These include:
- Active Listening: Fully concentrating on what the other person is saying.
- Clarity: Expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly and concisely.
- Non-Verbal Communication Awareness: Paying attention to your body language and tone of voice.
- Empathy: Understanding and sharing the feelings of your partner.
- Respect: Valuing your partner’s opinions, even when you disagree.
- Honesty: Being truthful in your communication.
- Feedback: Asking for and providing constructive feedback to ensure understanding.
Focusing on these elements can significantly improve your communication skills and strengthen your relationships.
How do you fix broken communication in a relationship?
Fixing broken communication requires effort and commitment from both partners. Start by acknowledging the problem and agreeing to work on it together. Practice active listening and empathy, trying to understand each other’s perspectives. Set aside dedicated time for open and honest conversations, free from distractions. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and tools for improving communication patterns. Be patient and persistent, as rebuilding trust and communication takes time and effort.
Summary
Improving communication in a relationship is an ongoing project that takes commitment and work from both partners. By practicing these seven strategies, you can encourage openness, understanding, and empathy in your relationships.
Keep in mind that good communication isn’t about avoiding conflict. Instead, it’s about working through disagreements constructively and strengthening your connection along the way. Try to express your needs clearly, listen actively to the other person, and find solutions that work for both of you.
If you prioritize communication, you can build stronger, more fulfilling, and more resilient relationships.