You’re heartbroken, but it’s complicated. There was no official relationship, no labels, no “us.” Still, you’re hurting. Maybe you were in love with someone who didn’t feel the same way. Or maybe you were in a “situationship” — that undefined, emotionally intimate space that exists somewhere between friendship and a committed relationship.
Whatever it was, it’s over, and you’re left trying to figure out how to get over someone you were never with. It’s a common experience, and it’s okay to feel this way. Unrequited love and situationships can cause just as much emotional distress as a “real” breakup.
The first step is self-validation: acknowledging that your pain is real and valid, even if it doesn’t fit neatly into the traditional heartbreak narrative.
This article will explore actionable strategies for moving on and healing. We’ll cover creating distance, validating your emotions, prioritizing self-care, and knowing when to seek professional help. You deserve to heal and move forward, regardless of the relationship status.
Understanding the unique challenges of unofficial heartbreak
It’s easy for most people to understand the need to heal after the end of a long-term relationship. But what happens when you’re grieving a relationship that technically never was?
You might think that because there was no formal commitment, you shouldn’t feel as bad as someone going through a divorce or the end of a years-long romance, unless it’s a fearful avoidant breakup. But the truth is, the pain of a “phantom breakup” can be just as real.
Here’s what makes this type of heartbreak uniquely challenging:
The lack of closure
With a traditional breakup, there’s usually a reason given, even if it’s vague or hurtful. But when you’re dealing with someone you were never officially with, there’s often no clear ending. No explanation. This lack of closure can lead to endless questioning and self-doubt. You may feel your feelings aren’t valid because there was no “real” relationship, and without external validation, you might start to question your own emotions.
The “what if” trap
When there’s no commitment, it’s easy to fall into the trap of fantasizing about what could have been. These fantasies can hinder the healing process because they keep hope alive. Because you never saw the person’s flaws in a real relationship, you might start to idealize them, creating an unrealistic image that’s hard to let go of.
Social ambiguity
Navigating social circles where both of you are present can be incredibly awkward. It’s often unclear how you should interact, leading to anxiety and discomfort. Explaining the situation to friends and family can also be difficult, as they may not fully grasp the depth of your emotions. People might minimize your pain because, in their eyes, there was no “real” relationship to grieve.
Creating distance: The foundation for healing
Once you realize that the fantasy relationship in your head isn’t going to happen, you’ll need to create some space between you and the object of your affection. Think of it as triage for your heart. It might feel impossible now, but you can and will get over this.
Implementing no contact
Why is no contact essential? Because it allows for emotional space. Being in constant contact, whether in person or online, keeps you tethered to the hope that things will change; it may be time to detach from someone you talk to everyday. It also exposes you to constant reminders of what you desire but can’t have. You’re trying to heal a wound, and constantly picking at it will only make it worse. Think of no contact as giving your heart a cast so it can heal.
Setting boundaries is key. This means physical distance and limited communication, especially if you are still in love, but breaking up because of distance. It’s hard, but necessary. Explain to the other person that you need space for your own well-being. If they respect you, they’ll understand.
Social media detox
Social media can be a real stumbling block. Seeing their posts and activities triggers painful emotions and prolongs the attachment. It’s like window shopping for a life you can’t have.
So, what can you do? Unfollow them. Mute them. Take a break from social media altogether. Reduce your online exposure and create a healthier mental space. Remember, you’re not being petty; you’re protecting yourself.
Removing physical reminders
Physical items – a gift, a note, a shared photo – can trigger memories and emotions. They’re like little landmines scattered around your life.
Gather those items and put them away. Donate them. Or, if you’re feeling brave, get rid of them entirely. Creating a physical space free of reminders can aid in emotional healing. It’s a symbolic act of reclaiming your life and moving forward.
Validating Your Emotions and Practicing Self-Compassion
It’s easy to dismiss your feelings when you’re grieving a relationship that never officially began. You might think, “I have no right to feel this way. We weren’t even together.” But that’s simply not true. Your emotions are valid, and you deserve to acknowledge and process them.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Validation is key. Whether it was a situationship, a strong flirtation, or simply a deep crush, the feelings you experienced were real. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, sad, disappointed, angry, or whatever emotions arise. Don’t minimize your experience just because there wasn’t a formal relationship label.
It’s also important to avoid self-blame. Resist the urge to tell yourself you weren’t good enough or that you did something wrong. Forming a relationship takes two people, and it’s not your fault if the other person wasn’t ready, willing, or interested. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of incompatibility or different life paths.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend who was going through a similar experience. Imagine a friend telling you they were heartbroken over someone they were never officially with. Would you tell them to “get over it” and that their feelings were invalid? Of course not! You’d offer comfort, support, and understanding. Extend that same compassion to yourself.
This includes acknowledging your pain, recognizing that you’re not alone in this experience (many people have felt this way!), and offering yourself support. Challenge negative self-talk. Instead of thinking, “I’m so stupid for feeling this way,” try reframing it: “It’s okay to feel sad. I’m human, and I cared about this person.” Practice gratitude, focusing on the good things in your life, and acknowledge your strengths. You are resilient, capable, and worthy of love.
Journal for Emotional Release
Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing your emotions and gaining clarity. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you understand them better and release pent-up emotions. Don’t worry about grammar or structure; just let your thoughts flow onto the page.
Here are some journaling prompts to get you started:
What am I feeling right now?
What are my needs in this moment?
What have I learned from this experience?
What can I do to take care of myself today?
What are some things I’m grateful for?
Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem and Identity
When you’re trying to get over someone you were never with, focusing on you is key. It’s time to rediscover what makes you, you. Here’s how to start:
Focus on Self-Care
Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential. It’s about prioritizing your well-being and engaging in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Think of it as refueling your engine after a long drive.
What does self-care look like? It’s different for everyone, but here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Exercise (even a short walk can make a difference)
- Eating healthy, nutritious meals
- Spending time in nature
- Reading a good book
- Listening to music that lifts your spirits
- Practicing relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing
Find activities that bring you joy and help you feel good about yourself. Make them a regular part of your routine.
Pursue New Interests and Goals
Expanding your horizons is a fantastic way to shift your focus away from the “what if” and create a more fulfilling life. It’s about discovering new passions and building a life that’s exciting and engaging.
Consider these options:
- Taking up a new hobby (painting, photography, coding – the possibilities are endless!)
- Volunteering for a cause you care about
- Learning a new skill (a new language, a musical instrument, cooking)
- Setting personal or professional goals (running a 5k, getting a promotion, writing a novel)
Reconnect with activities you used to enjoy but may have neglected. Rediscover your passions and reignite your sense of purpose.
Practice Self-Affirmations
The power of positive self-talk is undeniable. Self-affirmations can help boost your self-esteem and challenge those negative beliefs that might be creeping in. They’re like little pep talks you give yourself.
Self-affirmations are positive statements that you repeat to yourself to reinforce positive thoughts and beliefs. Here are a few examples:
- “I am worthy of love.”
- “I am strong and resilient.”
- “I am capable of achieving my goals.”
Create your own affirmations that resonate with your personal values and goals. Say them out loud, write them down, and repeat them regularly. It might feel silly at first, but over time, these positive messages can have a powerful impact on your self-esteem and your overall outlook.
Connect and get support
When you’re grieving a relationship that never was, it can be tempting to isolate yourself. But connecting with others is one of the most powerful things you can do to heal.
Lean on your support system
Talking about your feelings with friends, family, or a support group can help you feel less alone and gain a valuable perspective on your situation. Find trusted individuals who can offer empathy and understanding, and share your experiences with them. This can help you process your emotions and feel validated.
Don’t rule out professional counseling
If you’re struggling to cope with your emotions, experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety, or just feeling stuck in your healing process, consider seeking professional counseling. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies.
If getting to an office is an obstacle, remember that online therapy is an option. Research suggests that online and in-person mental health interventions are equally effective.
Manage your expectations
Healing takes time, and there’s no set timeline for moving on. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. It’s also important to avoid comparing your healing process to others. Everyone heals at their own pace, and what works for one person may not work for another.
Remember, you’re not alone. Many people experience unrequited feelings and the pain of a relationship that never was. With time, self-compassion, and the right support, you can heal and move forward with your life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why can’t I get over someone I was never with?
It’s tough, isn’t it? Often, when we’re hung up on someone we never dated, it’s because we’ve built up an idealized version of them in our minds. We’re grieving the potential of a relationship, a fantasy of what could have been, rather than a real connection. You might be longing for the validation or attention you craved from them, or you’re replaying missed opportunities in your head. It’s also possible you’re fixating on this person to avoid dealing with other issues in your life.
Is it normal to be heartbroken over someone you never dated?
Absolutely! Heartbreak isn’t reserved solely for established relationships. The feelings of longing, disappointment, and sadness are completely valid, even if the connection was mostly in your head. Give yourself permission to feel those emotions. Don’t minimize your pain just because it wasn’t a “real” relationship. Your feelings are real, and you deserve to acknowledge them.
How do I stop obsessing over someone I never dated?
First, acknowledge the obsession. Recognize the thought patterns and actively redirect your focus. Limit contact – unfollow them on social media, resist the urge to text. Challenge the idealized version you’ve created; list their flaws (everyone has them!). Focus on self-care and activities you enjoy. Connect with friends and family. Explore new hobbies to distract yourself. If the obsession persists and significantly impacts your life, consider talking to a therapist who can help you develop coping strategies.
Closing Thoughts
Let’s be clear: Just because you were never officially with someone doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. Unrequited love and situationships can be incredibly painful, and that pain deserves to be acknowledged. Don’t let anyone tell you to “just get over it” like it’s nothing.
Remember the strategies we talked about: create some distance, let yourself feel what you’re feeling, practice self-care, and reach out for support. And above all, be kind to yourself. This stuff is hard!
Focus on your own growth. What can you learn from this experience? What do you want in your next relationship (official or otherwise)? What makes you happy outside of romantic entanglements?
You will heal. You will move forward. You are worthy of love and happiness, and a brighter future awaits you. Don’t give up on yourself.