Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone tries to control you by making you question your perceptions, memories, and even your sanity. It’s a tactic designed to make you doubt yourself.
Narcissists, who are often driven by a need to protect their ego and maintain control, frequently use gaslighting as a tool. Their sense of self is so fragile that they need their reality to be the only reality—for everyone.
When narcissistic gaslighting happens in a relationship, it’s particularly insidious. It involves making a partner doubt their own memories, perceptions, and sanity. It can leave you feeling confused, isolated, and questioning your own judgment.
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Here are 6 signs of narcissistic gaslighting in a relationship that can help you recognize and address what’s happening to you:
What is narcissistic gaslighting?
Defining Narcissism
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are thought to have replaced their true selves with a false, grandiose persona. To shore up this false self, they may lie and exaggerate in ways that boost their self-worth. They also crave admiration from others.
Defining Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic designed to make you doubt your sanity and question your reality. It’s when someone tries to convince you that their reality is real and yours is not.
Gaslighting differs from simple disagreements or misunderstandings. Not everyone who gaslights is a narcissist, but if someone is regularly engaging in manipulative behavior that causes you distress or confusion, it may be an indication that they have narcissistic tendencies.
The Overlap: Narcissistic Gaslighting
Narcissists use gaslighting as a primary tool to gain a “narcissistic supply” from their victim. This means that they get something from the gaslighting that shores up their false self.
Gaslighting is a way to maintain control and dominance over you. It can feel like control and manipulation because it is, but it’s also in service of the person doing the gaslighting and their need to prop up a shaky sense of self. Remember, don’t give away your power; reclaim control and thrive.
SIGN #1: FREQUENT LIES AND EXAGGERATIONS
Narcissists lie. A lot. Even about trivial things. Why? Because they’re trying to boost their self-worth. They’ll spin tales and exaggerate to make themselves look better, smarter, more important, or more victimized.
These lies aren’t just harmless fibs, though. They’re carefully constructed to distort reality and confuse you. A narcissistic gaslighter might tell conflicting stories, make false accusations, or outright deny things that happened. This can cause immense distress for their partners, leaving them feeling disoriented and questioning their own sanity.
For example, a narcissistic gaslighter might deny ever promising to help with chores around the house, even if you have a clear memory of the conversation. They might say things like, “I never said that,” or “You’re imagining things.” They might even accuse you of lying about it.
Constant exposure to these lies and distortions can lead you to doubt your own memory and perception. You might start to wonder if you’re remembering things correctly, or if you’re just being too sensitive. This self-doubt is a hallmark of gaslighting and a powerful tool used by narcissists to control their victims.
SIGN #2: Denying reality & minimizing feelings
Narcissists love to rewrite history. They’ll deny that events or conversations ever took place. Or they’ll insist that things happened in a way that is very different from how they actually went down. This denial can make you question your own memory and sanity. You may start to doubt yourself and your perceptions, leading to lower self-worth.
This is especially true when the narcissist minimizes your feelings. They might say you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or making a big deal out of nothing. A gaslighter needs to be right at all times to validate and maintain their narcissistic sense of self. They may even blame you for being too sensitive when they’re the ones who are being hurtful or dismissive.
The goal here is to make you feel like your emotions aren’t valid. Over time, you might start to believe them. You’ll begin to question your own emotional responses and feel like you’re bad or wrong no matter what you do. You might even stop expressing your feelings altogether to avoid conflict or criticism. This is exactly what the narcissist wants – to control your emotions and, ultimately, control you.
SIGN #3: BLAMING THE VICTIM
Narcissists are masters of avoiding responsibility, so it’s no surprise that blame-shifting is one of their favorite tactics. No matter what happens, they’ll find a way to make it your fault. They might deny that something happened or twist the story around to make you the villain.
When a narcissist constantly blames you, you might start to feel responsible for their bad behavior. They might insinuate that you provoked them or forced them to act a certain way. They might say things like, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.”
For example, a narcissistic partner might say, “If you hadn’t been flirting with that guy at the party, I wouldn’t have yelled at you.” Or, “If you weren’t so demanding, I wouldn’t have to lie to you about where I’ve been.”
It’s important to remember that you are never responsible for someone else’s abusive behavior. The abuser is solely responsible for their actions. No matter what you did or didn’t do, it’s never your fault.
SIGN #4: TWISTING THE TRUTH & CONFUSING CONVERSATIONS
Narcissists are masters of twisting facts to create an alternate narrative that suits their needs, even if it means rewriting history or blatantly lying. They might tell you conflicting stories or make false accusations, all designed to keep you off balance and questioning your own sanity. This constant distortion of reality leads to immense confusion and disorientation.
Conversations with a narcissistic gaslighter often become circular and unproductive, leaving you feeling drained and frustrated. You might find yourself going over the same points again and again, trying to get them to acknowledge your perspective, but to no avail. They deflect, deny, and change the subject, always managing to avoid taking responsibility or admitting fault.
Do you ever feel the uncontrollable urge to record a conversation, not because you want to trap the other person, but because you want to play it back later to make sure you heard it right? That’s a huge red flag that you’re being gaslighted.
In these situations, it’s vital to trust your own perceptions, even when they are challenged. Remember that your feelings are valid, and your reality is real, regardless of what the narcissist tries to make you believe.
Sign #5: Isolating the victim and withholding affection
Narcissists are masterful at isolating their victims. One of the first things they will do is try to cut you off from your friends and family. They may start by telling you that your friends are “bad influences” or that your family doesn’t understand you. They might even try to manufacture conflict between you and your loved ones.
The point is to make you more dependent on them. When you’re isolated, you have no one to turn to but your abuser. This gives them even more control over you and makes it harder for you to leave the relationship.
Withholding affection is another common tactic used by narcissists to control and manipulate their victims. Narcissists view affection as a tool rather than a genuine expression of love. They dole it out when they want something from you and withhold it when they want to punish you.
The emotional impact of withholding affection can be devastating. It makes you feel unloved, unwanted, and worthless. It also keeps you in a constant state of seeking approval from your abuser, which further reinforces their control over you. You’re always trying to win back their love and affection, even if it means sacrificing your own needs and desires.
THE IMPACT ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
Narcissistic gaslighting can have a devastating effect on your mental health. Victims often find themselves plagued by self-doubt, struggling with low self-esteem, and battling a host of other mental health issues.
Living in a constant state of questioning your own sanity can trigger anxiety, fuel depression, and breed feelings of utter worthlessness. You might start to believe the distorted reality your abuser is presenting, leading you to doubt your own perceptions, memories, and even your basic sense of self.
One of the insidious aspects of narcissistic gaslighting is the way it can create what’s known as a trauma bond. This is a psychological connection that forms between the abuser and the abused, making it incredibly difficult for the victim to break free. If you suspect relationship trauma is impacting your love life, seeking help is crucial. Trauma bonding often leads the victim to internalize the abuser’s negativity, taking the blame for things that are clearly not their fault. You might find yourself clinging to the hope that things will get better, even when the evidence suggests otherwise.
If you’re experiencing the effects of narcissistic gaslighting, it’s crucial to seek professional help. A therapist can provide you with the support and guidance you need to heal from this form of emotional abuse and rebuild your sense of self.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you outsmart a gaslighter?
Outsmarting a gaslighter isn’t really about winning a game. It’s about protecting your sanity and sense of reality. The key is to recognize the tactics they’re using. Keep a record of events – a journal or even just notes on your phone – to refer back to when your memory is questioned. Trust your gut feelings, even if they’re telling you something different from what the gaslighter is saying. Limit your emotional engagement and don’t try to argue or convince them of your perspective; gaslighters are masters of manipulation and will likely twist things to their advantage. Instead, focus on setting boundaries and detaching emotionally. Ultimately, the best “outsmarting” is often recognizing that you deserve better and choosing to remove yourself from the situation if the behavior continues.
How to outsmart a narcissist?
Similar to dealing with gaslighting, “outsmarting” a narcissist is less about winning and more about self-preservation. Narcissists thrive on attention, both positive and negative. The most effective approach is often to limit your engagement and avoid playing into their need for validation. Don’t take their behavior personally, even though it feels personal; understand that it’s a reflection of their own insecurities. Set firm boundaries and enforce them consistently, even if it means distancing yourself. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or power struggles; narcissists are skilled at manipulating situations to make themselves look good. Focus on your own well-being and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Remember, you can’t change a narcissist, but you can change how you respond to them and protect yourself from their harmful behavior. Prioritize your own mental and emotional health above all else.
In Summary
It’s important to know the signs of narcissistic gaslighting because it can be so insidious. If you’re being gaslighted, you’re being manipulated into doubting your own sanity, and that can be devastating.
So, how can you protect yourself? Here are some key strategies:
- Seek support from people you trust: friends, family, or a therapist.
- Set firm boundaries with the gaslighter.
- Reconnect with your own reality through therapy, mindfulness, and journaling.
- Take care of yourself: exercise, eat healthy, and get enough sleep.
- If the situation becomes dangerous, get out immediately and seek help.
Healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse is possible. It involves recognizing what happened, setting boundaries, and rebuilding your self-esteem. Consider exploring books about abusive relationships for a deeper understanding.
Don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can be invaluable. Building a strong support system is also crucial.
If you’ve experienced narcissistic gaslighting, please remember this: it’s not your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and you can heal from this. There is hope for a brighter, healthier future.