Relationship insecurity is that nagging feeling that your relationship is unstable or that your partner might leave. It’s incredibly common. Even people in strong, loving partnerships can sometimes feel insecure.
Left unchecked, insecurity can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns and even breakups. That’s why it’s so important to learn how do you deal with insecurity in a relationship—for the good of the relationship itself and for your own well-being.
This article will explore the causes and signs of insecurity in relationships. We’ll also look at practical strategies you can use to overcome these feelings and build a stronger, more secure connection with your partner.
Why do you feel insecure in your relationship?
If you’re feeling insecure about your relationship, you’re not alone. But what’s causing this insecurity? More importantly, what can you do about it?
Past relationship baggage
Sometimes, the issues you’re experiencing in a new relationship stem from unresolved trauma or emotional baggage from past relationships, a situation that requires specific strategies when dating someone with unhealed trauma. You may be projecting what happened in the past onto your new partner, even when it’s not warranted. Attachment wounds from past relationships can also set the stage for insecurities in your current relationship.
Internal factors
Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence can significantly contribute to feelings of insecurity. When you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of negative thinking, which can fuel your insecurities. Limiting beliefs about yourself, as well as social anxiety and a fear of rejection, can also play a role.
Unmet needs
Neglect or mistreatment from your past can cause you to feel unworthy of love and respect, which can lead to insecurity in your relationships. According to relationship experts, when the six basic human needs aren’t being met in a relationship, it can also spark feelings of insecurity.
Recognizing the Red Flags: Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship
It’s not always easy to spot insecurity in a relationship, especially if you’re the one experiencing it. Here are some red flags to watch out for:
- Constant need for validation and reassurance: Do you find yourself constantly needing your partner to tell you they love you or that you’re good enough? Excessive validation-seeking can be a sign of underlying insecurity.
- Jealousy and possessiveness: Jealous behavior is a classic sign. Are you constantly worried about who your partner is talking to or spending time with?
- Mistrust and suspicion: Do you find yourself constantly checking up on your partner, questioning their actions, or assuming the worst?
- Attention-seeking behaviors: Do you try to get attention from others to feel good about yourself, even if it makes your partner uncomfortable?
- Constant arguing and defensiveness: Insecurities can easily manifest as constant arguments. Are you overly defensive, pushing your partner away even when they’re trying to help?
- Worrying excessively about the relationship’s future: Do you constantly wonder if the relationship will last or if your partner will leave you?
- Stalking social media: Do you spend hours scrolling through your partner’s social media, looking for clues or signs of infidelity?
- Feeling easily offended or panicked during conflicts: Do you overreact to minor disagreements, feeling hurt or panicky?
Building a secure foundation: Strategies to overcome insecurity
Insecurity can be a relationship killer, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are some ways to build a more secure foundation in your relationship.
Self-love and self-awareness
It sounds trite, but the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to believe that someone else could truly love you. Start by identifying and challenging any limiting beliefs you have about yourself. Are you telling yourself you’re not smart enough, attractive enough, or worthy of love? Question those assumptions! Practice self-compassion and acceptance. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has flaws. That’s what makes us human. And remember, emotional independence is key. You don’t need someone else to complete you. You are already whole.
Effective communication
Communication is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship. Learn to communicate effectively with your partner, understanding their communication style. Are they direct or indirect? Do they need time to process their feelings before talking about them? Express your feelings without blaming your partner. Instead of saying “You always make me feel insecure,” try “I feel insecure when…” Practice active listening and empathy. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.
Challenging negative thoughts and behaviors
Insecurity often stems from negative thought patterns. Challenge those thoughts! Question your assumptions and clarify statements. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you overanalyzing every little thing? Stop creating negative stories in your head! Identify your personal triggers and develop coping mechanisms. What situations or behaviors tend to make you feel insecure? Once you know your triggers, you can develop strategies to manage those feelings. And when conflicts arise, try to reflect on them objectively. What role did you play? What could you have done differently?
Meeting each other’s needs
Every human being has six core needs: certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution. Take some time to understand how you and your partner meet those needs, both individually and as a couple. Also, assess whether you both experience intimacy in the same way. Do you both feel loved when you receive gifts, or do you feel more cared for with words of affirmation?
Seeking professional help
Sometimes, insecurity runs deep. If you’re struggling to overcome your insecurities on your own, consider couples or individual therapy. A therapist can help you identify your triggers, understand the subconscious influences that may be driving your behavior, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
How to keep insecurity from poisoning your relationship
Insecurity doesn’t have to be a relationship killer. Here are some strategies to help you and your partner navigate insecurity and build a healthier, more fulfilling connection.
Understand the push and pull
Relationships can sometimes feel like a dance of masculine and feminine energies, and often lead to the question of whether you are in an exclusive relationship vs committed one. When one partner is feeling insecure and needy, the other may pull away, creating a cycle of distance. Understanding these dynamics can help you both be more aware of your roles and strive for balance and mutual respect, which are key aspects of building a relationship with a man.
Pretend you’ve just met
Remember those early days when everything felt exciting and new? Try to recapture that spark by acting like a new couple again. Focus on creating positive experiences together. Go on dates, try new activities, and rediscover the joy of each other’s company.
Write a new story together
Past hurts can fuel insecurity. One way to move forward is to create new stories together, leaving past mistakes behind. Accept your partner’s actions and focus on the present, choosing forgiveness and acceptance over dwelling on old wounds.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can an insecure relationship be fixed?
Yes, an insecure relationship can be fixed, but it takes work and commitment from both partners. Addressing the root causes of the insecurity is key. This often involves open and honest communication, a willingness to be vulnerable, and a dedication to building trust and reassurance. Sometimes, professional help from a therapist or counselor can provide valuable tools and guidance to navigate these challenges. It’s also important to remember that change takes time, and there will likely be ups and downs along the way. The willingness to acknowledge the problem and actively work towards solutions is the most important factor.
How to deal with your insecurities in a relationship?
Dealing with your own insecurities in a relationship starts with self-awareness. Identify what triggers your feelings of insecurity—is it past experiences, fear of abandonment, or low self-esteem? Once you understand the source, you can begin to challenge those negative thoughts. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself of your worth. Communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and constructive way, focusing on “I” statements rather than blaming. Engage in activities that boost your self-confidence and independence, such as pursuing hobbies or spending time with friends. Remember that your partner chose to be with you, and trusting their commitment is essential. If insecurities are overwhelming, consider seeking therapy to develop healthier coping mechanisms.
In closing
Insecurity can wear away at your sense of self and poison a relationship from the inside out. It’s important to address insecurity for your own well-being, as well as the well-being of the relationship.
Some key strategies to try are cultivating self-love, opening lines of communication with your partner, and seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
Building a secure relationship is an ongoing process that takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. It’s absolutely possible, though, and well worth the work.