What does it mean to lead versus control in a relationship? In a healthy relationship, two people respect each other and work together as partners.
It’s important to know the difference between leadership and control. These behaviors can change the whole dynamic of a relationship and affect how each person feels.
This article will explore the roots of controlling behavior, the qualities of leading versus controlling, and ways to build healthier relationships.
Leading versus controlling: What’s the difference?
The difference between leading and controlling in a relationship can be subtle, but the effects of each behavior are drastically different.
What is controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior is about one partner trying to exert power and dominance over the other. The controlling person will try to make all the decisions, dictate what the other person does, and even try to control their thoughts. The motivation behind this behavior often comes from insecurity, fear, and a deep need for validation.
What is leading behavior?
Leading behavior, on the other hand, is about guiding and supporting a partner, fostering mutual growth, and showing respect. A leading partner empowers the other to reach their full potential. The motivation behind leading behavior stems from security, trust, and a genuine desire for the partner’s well-being.
THE ROOTS OF CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: UNCOVERING THE UNDERLYING ISSUES
Controlling behavior rarely arises from nowhere. Often, it’s rooted in past experiences. Childhood trauma, unhealthy family relationships, or even negative experiences in previous romantic relationships can significantly shape a person’s behavior and contribute to controlling tendencies.
Insecurity and fear are also major fuels for controlling behavior. Someone might try to control their partner because they’re terrified of abandonment, rejection, or simply feeling vulnerable. The need to feel in control can be a defense mechanism against these deeply rooted fears.
If you recognize controlling tendencies in yourself, the first step is self-awareness. Ask yourself some tough questions. Am I making decisions based on fear? What am I really afraid of losing? Examining your own motivations and insecurities is crucial for addressing and changing these behaviors. Recognizing the “why” behind your actions is the first step toward building a healthier, more equitable relationship.
Characteristics of controlling behavior: Identifying the red flags
There’s a world of difference between a leader and a controller. Here are some signs that you may be dealing with a controller:
Dominating decision-making
Does your partner make decisions without asking for your input? Do they regularly dismiss your opinions and needs?
Controllers tend to marginalize their partners’ feelings and preferences, making it difficult to establish healthy dating boundaries. If you feel unseen and unheard, you may be in a controlling relationship.
Isolation and manipulation
Controllers often try to cut you off from your friends and family to make you more dependent on them, a behavior sometimes associated with negative alpha male traits. The less outside support you have, the harder it becomes to leave the relationship.
Controllers also tend to manipulate situations to their own advantage, often with guilt trips and gaslighting, actions that essentially give someone else power over your emotions.
Criticism and blame
Does your partner constantly criticize you and blame you for problems in the relationship?
This behavior is a hallmark of a controller. Over time, the constant criticism erodes your self-esteem and confidence.
Monitoring and surveillance
Does your partner track your whereabouts, check your phone, and monitor your social media activity?
This kind of behavior is a major red flag in a relationship. It’s a sign that your partner doesn’t trust you and feels entitled to control your every move.
How to lead in your relationship instead of controlling
You can tell you’re leading in your relationship when you and your partner are thriving and growing, each in your own way. You’re both becoming better people because of your bond. Here are some of the ways that leading shows up in healthy relationships:
Collaborative decision-making
When you’re leading in your relationship, you and your partner make decisions together. You actively seek and value each other’s opinions and perspectives. Leading seeks unity, so you’re both on board with the decisions you make as a couple. It’s also important to give your spouse time to process decisions. Don’t rush or pressure them.
Mutual respect and trust
Leading is built on a foundation of mutual respect and trust. Each partner feels valued and respected for who they are as individuals. To build that bond, be open about your insecurities with your spouse. Vulnerability can be scary, but it strengthens your connection.
Empowerment and support
Leading involves empowering your partner to pursue their goals and dreams. You support each other’s growth and development, even when it means making sacrifices.
Serving and sacrificing
Leading seeks to serve. You and your partner are willing to make sacrifices for the well-being of the relationship, putting each other’s needs first.
PRACTICAL STEPS TOWARDS CHANGE: MOVING FROM CONTROL TO LEADERSHIP
If you’ve realized that you’ve been attempting to control your spouse, here are some practical things you can do to change:
- Self-Reflection and Awareness: What are the controlling behaviors you tend to exhibit in your marriage? What are the reasons why you do this? Be honest with yourself and your spouse.
- Open Communication and Vulnerability: Talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and needs. Be willing to be vulnerable with your spouse and share your fears and insecurities.
- Seeking Professional Help: A therapist or counselor can help you understand the underlying reasons for your behavior and help you develop healthier relational patterns.
- Focusing on Unity and Partnership: Recognize that your spouse’s perspective is just as valid as yours. Remember, healthy marriages are partnerships, not dictatorships.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between leadership and control in a relationship?
Leadership in a relationship involves guiding and supporting your partner, fostering mutual growth, and making decisions together based on shared values and goals. It’s about inspiring and empowering your partner. Control, on the other hand, is about manipulating and dominating your partner, making decisions unilaterally, and prioritizing your own needs and desires above theirs. Control stifles growth and creates an imbalance of power.
How to lead without being controlling?
To lead without being controlling, prioritize open communication, active listening, and empathy. Focus on collaborative decision-making, respecting your partner’s opinions and boundaries. Encourage their independence and support their aspirations. Avoid using guilt, threats, or manipulation to get your way. True leadership inspires, not dictates.
Are lead and control the same?
No, lead and control are not the same. While both involve influence, the intention and impact are drastically different. Leading aims to uplift and empower, while controlling seeks to restrict and dominate. Leading builds trust and strengthens the relationship; controlling erodes trust and creates resentment.
What is the difference between control and leading?
The key difference lies in the motivation and the outcome. Control stems from insecurity and a need to dominate, resulting in a power imbalance and stifled growth. Leading stems from a desire to support and empower, resulting in mutual respect, trust, and a stronger, healthier relationship where both partners thrive. Leading is about “we,” controlling is about “me.”
Summary
Leading in a relationship means supporting your partner’s goals while pursuing your own. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, is about manipulating a partner to fit your personal agenda. Recognizing and addressing controlling tendencies is the first step to creating a healthier relationship.
When you embrace leadership principles—mutual respect, trust, and empowerment—you can foster a more fulfilling relationship. Leading through influence rather than control can strengthen your bond and create a more equitable partnership.
If you’re seeking to improve your relationship, remember that change is possible. With self-awareness, open communication, and a commitment to personal growth, you and your partner can develop a more balanced and loving dynamic.