Ever feel like you’re dating a brick wall? You might be dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability is a range of behaviors that show someone is uncomfortable sharing their true feelings.
It can be challenging, especially if you’re looking for a deeper connection. But here’s the thing: being emotionally unavailable isn’t just about the other person. Sometimes, you might be the one building the wall, even if you don’t realize it.
Learning how to stop being emotionally unavailable is crucial for both your personal growth and for building healthier relationships. It’s not always easy. It takes open communication, patience, understanding, and sometimes even professional help.
This article will cover everything you need to know about emotional unavailability: what it is, what causes it, what steps you can take to change, and even how to decide if you should stay in a relationship with someone who struggles to connect emotionally.
What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean?
Emotional unavailability describes someone who has difficulty creating deep, meaningful relationships with other people. An emotionally unavailable person might find it difficult to express how they’re feeling, avoid getting too close to others, and lack empathy.
It’s important to understand that emotional unavailability isn’t an all-or-nothing state of being. People can be more or less emotionally unavailable, and it can vary depending on who they’re with and what they’re going through.
There’s a big difference between being emotionally unavailable and having healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries help you protect yourself while still allowing you to be vulnerable and connect with others. Emotional unavailability, on the other hand, usually means shutting down emotionally.
Why people become emotionally unavailable
Sometimes, emotional unavailability is a temporary state of mind caused by a recent loss, trauma, or stressful situation. Other times, emotional unavailability is an ingrained pattern of behavior that dates back to childhood.
Past Trauma and Experiences
Trauma, such as childhood neglect or abuse, can cause someone to become emotionally unavailable as a way to shield themselves from further pain. Attachment styles, especially insecure attachment styles like avoidant attachment, can also contribute to a fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
Fear of Vulnerability and Rejection
The fear of being hurt or rejected can lead people to build walls that keep others at bay. People may avoid emotional intimacy to prevent themselves from getting close to someone and potentially experiencing heartbreak. They may believe they’re unworthy of love and connection, which leads them to push others away.
Societal and Cultural Influences
Societal norms and expectations can also contribute to emotional unavailability. Traditional gender roles may discourage men from expressing emotions, leading to emotional suppression. Messages that emphasize independence and self-reliance over interdependence and vulnerability can also lead to emotional unavailability.
Recognizing the Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
So, how do you know if you’re dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable? Here are some telltale signs to watch out for:
Vague or Complete Denial of Feelings
Emotionally unavailable folks often struggle to pinpoint and express their emotions. When you ask them how they’re feeling, they might give you vague answers like, “I’m fine,” even when it’s clear they’re not. They might also steer clear of talking about feelings altogether, changing the subject or just shutting down.
This denial of feelings can be frustrating and make it hard to connect with them on a deeper level.
Contradicting or Inconsistent Behavior
Pay attention to whether their actions match their words. They might say they care about you but consistently put other things before the relationship. This inconsistency can leave you feeling confused, uncertain, and like you can’t trust them to be there for you.
Avoids Deep Communication
Does your partner shy away from talking about feelings, the relationship, or the future? Do they change the subject, get defensive, or simply clam up when you bring up sensitive topics? If so, they might be emotionally unavailable. This avoidance can stifle intimacy and make it hard to build a strong connection.
Disengaged or Checked Out
They might be physically present, but are they really there? Do they listen actively when you talk? Do they show interest in your life? Do they engage in meaningful conversations? If they seem emotionally distant or checked out, it can leave you feeling lonely and unsupported, even when you’re together.
If you recognize these signs in your partner, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation about your needs and expectations. It’s possible they’re not even aware of their behavior, and with some effort, they might be willing to work on becoming more emotionally available. However, if they’re unwilling to change, you might need to consider whether the relationship is truly fulfilling your needs.
Am I Emotionally Unavailable?
Before you can start to change, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Do you think you might be emotionally unavailable? It’s easy to make excuses or blame others, but if you want to build better relationships, you have to face the truth about your own behaviors and relationship patterns.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you tend to avoid expressing your feelings, even when you’re hurting?
- Do you have trouble building or maintaining intimacy in relationships?
- Do you find it difficult to commit to people or plans?
- Do you often feel detached or disconnected from others?
- Do you keep people at arm’s length, even those you care about?
Recognizing these tendencies in yourself is the first and most important step. Acknowledging that you might be emotionally unavailable can be scary, but it’s essential for starting the journey toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
6 Steps to Becoming an Emotionally Available Lover
Becoming emotionally available is a journey, not a destination. It requires self-reflection, dedication, and a willingness to change. But the rewards – deeper connections, more fulfilling relationships, and a greater sense of self-worth – are well worth the effort.
Take a Hard Look at Your Beliefs About Yourself in Relationships
Your negative self-beliefs may be a major roadblock to emotional availability. These beliefs can range from feeling unworthy of love to the conviction that all relationships will inevitably end in pain.
The first step is to identify these negative beliefs. Are you constantly telling yourself you’re not good enough? Do you brace yourself for disappointment in every relationship?
Once you’ve identified these beliefs, challenge them. Are they based on facts or assumptions? Are they truly reflective of who you are? Replace them with more positive and realistic ones. Focus on your strengths, remind yourself you deserve love, and challenge the idea that every relationship is doomed to fail.
Make Your Partner’s Needs and Feelings Equal to Yours
Emotional availability requires empathy. It means putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and genuinely trying to understand their perspective. What are their needs? How are they feeling? Prioritize their well-being alongside your own.
Practice active listening. Pay attention to what your partner is saying, both verbally and nonverbally. Validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. Let them know you hear them and that their emotions are valid.
Commit to Opening Up
Vulnerability is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy. Start small. Share manageable aspects of yourself with your partner. As you feel more comfortable and safe, gradually increase the level of vulnerability. Share your fears, your dreams, and your past experiences. Allow yourself to be seen and known.
Stop the Secret Life
Secrets breed distance and distrust. Emotional availability requires transparency and honesty. Eliminate secrets that create a barrier between you and your partner. Be open about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Build a foundation of trust and honesty.
Make Time For Your Partner
Emotional availability requires presence. Prioritize your partner by dedicating time and attention to them. Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and focus on being fully present in the moment. Engage in quality time activities that allow you to connect and bond. Make your partner feel valued and cherished.
Work on Taking Responsibility for Your Emotions
Emotional availability requires self-awareness. Acknowledge and own your feelings. Don’t suppress or deny them. Learn to manage your emotions in healthy ways. Develop coping mechanisms for dealing with stress, anxiety, and other challenging emotions. Taking responsibility for your emotions allows you to be more present and available for your partner.
How Can I Help Myself When Someone Becomes Emotionally Unavailable Towards Me?
First, take care of yourself. Don’t let someone else’s emotional unavailability cause you to sacrifice your own needs. Set boundaries and focus on your own well-being.
It’s also important to be honest about what you need. Calmly and clearly communicate your feelings without blaming the other person. Let them know what you need from the relationship. For example, you could say, “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my texts,” rather than, “You never listen to me.”
Remember, you can’t change another person’s behavior. All you can control are your own actions and reactions. If they’re not willing or able to meet your needs, you have to decide if you can live with that.
Finally, don’t be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Talking things through can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies for dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable.
Should I Leave an Emotionally Unavailable Partner?
Deciding whether to leave an emotionally unavailable partner is a deeply personal and difficult decision. There’s no easy answer, and the “right” choice depends entirely on your individual situation and needs.
Think about your partner’s commitment and whether they are willing to change. Are they actively trying to become more emotionally open? Are they willing to consider therapy or counseling?
It’s also important to honestly assess how the relationship is impacting you. Is it causing you a lot of emotional pain? Are your needs consistently ignored or dismissed?
It’s crucial to prioritize your own emotional well-being and happiness. Sometimes, ending a relationship, even a long-term one, is the best way to protect yourself and create an opportunity for healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future. Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to heal emotionally unavailable
Healing from emotional unavailability starts with honest self-reflection. Identify patterns of avoidance, fear of intimacy, or difficulty expressing emotions. Therapy, particularly attachment-based therapy, can be incredibly helpful in understanding the root causes of these behaviors. Practice vulnerability in small, safe steps. Challenge negative thought patterns about relationships and intimacy. Focus on building self-compassion and addressing any underlying trauma. Remember, it’s a journey, not a destination, and progress takes time and effort.
Can an emotionally unavailable person be fixed?
The term “fixed” implies something is broken, which isn’t the most helpful perspective. However, an emotionally unavailable person can change and develop healthier relationship patterns. It requires a genuine desire to change, willingness to engage in self-work, and commitment to building emotional intelligence. It’s not about “fixing” someone, but about supporting their journey towards greater emotional openness and connection. Success depends heavily on their willingness to be vulnerable and challenge their comfort zone.
How to be emotionally closed off
While the article focuses on overcoming emotional unavailability, some might ask about becoming emotionally closed off. It’s important to acknowledge that intentionally shutting down emotions can be a short-term coping mechanism in response to trauma or overwhelming stress. However, as a long-term strategy, it can be detrimental to mental health and relationships. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and considering this approach, seeking professional help to develop healthier coping strategies is strongly recommended. It’s generally more beneficial to learn how to manage and process emotions effectively than to suppress them entirely.
Key Takeaways
If you recognize emotional unavailability in yourself, it’s important to address it. Emotional availability is key to your own well-being and to the well-being of your relationships. Becoming more emotionally available is a journey that requires you to look inward, commit to change, and embrace vulnerability.
It can be scary to be vulnerable, but it’s the key to intimacy. Vulnerability allows you to develop meaningful relationships with others and a deeper understanding of yourself.
If you’re struggling with emotional unavailability, remember that seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapists and counselors are trained to provide guidance and support as you navigate complex emotional issues. They can help you understand the root causes of your emotional unavailability and develop strategies for building healthier relationships.