Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves. It’s a vital part of being human.
When you have healthy self-esteem, you tend to accept yourself for who you are, and you often feel confident in your decisions. You probably like yourself quite a bit.
But what if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like himself? It can be challenging to date or be with someone who has low self-esteem.
When a person doesn’t value himself, he may seek constant reassurance from others, which can become a problem if you are dating a man who has nothing to offer. He may be jealous or distrustful. He might even sabotage the relationship because he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of love. So, how do you help a man with low self-esteem?
This article will provide tips to help you support the man in your life, improve his self-esteem, and build a stronger, healthier relationship.
Understanding low self-esteem in men
It’s easy to think of self-esteem as a simple concept: You either like yourself or you don’t. But self-esteem is actually complex. It can fluctuate throughout the day, and it can be based on internal or external factors.
Defining low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is an overall negative evaluation of yourself. It colors your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions, and it can have a huge impact on your life.
It’s important to know that there are different kinds of self-esteem: external and internal. A person with external self-esteem may come off as happy and confident, but that’s just a mask. Internal self-esteem is the real deal, the authentic sense of self-worth that comes from within.
Common signs of low self-esteem in men
If you’re worried that a man you know may have low self-esteem, here are some observable behaviors and attitudes to watch out for:
- Social withdrawal
- Avoidance of challenges
- Negative self-talk
- Self-criticism
- Difficulty accepting compliments
- Overly sensitive to criticism
THE ROOTS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM IN MEN
Low self-esteem rarely appears out of nowhere. It’s usually the result of several factors working together. These can include the messages a man received as a child, stressful or difficult life events, and the habit of comparing himself to others, especially when those comparisons are unfavorable.
Societal expectations and gender roles can also play a big part. Men often feel pressured to be strong, stoic, and successful, and if they feel they don’t measure up, especially in relation to alpha male qualities, it can have a devastating effect on their self-esteem. Suppressing emotions can lead to a negative self-perception, as well; it may be worthwhile to take a quiz to see if your husband is emotionally unavailable.
Finally, a man’s relationships can act like a mirror, reflecting his self-image back at him. If those relationships are unhealthy, it can be hard to maintain a positive view of himself.
Effective Communication Strategies
When you’re talking with a man who has low self-esteem, the first rule is to be gentle with your words. Here are some proven strategies to use.
Active Listening and Validation
When he’s talking, really listen. Give him the chance to explain what he’s feeling without interrupting him. Really listen to the meaning he’s trying to convey. Don’t just hear the words; listen to the message. Problem-solve with him when you can.
It’s important to validate his feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Let him know that you hear what he’s saying and that his feelings are valid. Acknowledge his emotions and experiences. You don’t have to agree with his conclusions to recognize and respect his feelings.
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
There are definitely things you should not say to someone with low self-esteem.
- Avoid flippant compliments.
- Don’t give unsolicited advice.
- Never say, “Don’t worry about it.”
- Don’t tell him to “just be positive” or “snap out of it.”
- Avoid comparisons to others.
These kinds of phrases invalidate his feelings and can make him feel worse.
Encouraging Open and Honest Dialogue
The best thing you can do is create a safe space for him to share his feelings. Let him know that you’re there for him and that he can talk to you about anything. Finding someone with whom he can share his vulnerability is something to strive for, not avoid.
Address his concerns directly and respectfully, even when it’s difficult. Instead of getting defensive or disengaging, try to explore what it is you’ve said that caused upset. This will help him feel heard and understood.
Helping him embrace self-acceptance and self-love
If you want to help a man build his self-esteem, you can gently guide him to be more accepting and loving toward himself.
Help him challenge the negative self-talk
When a man has low self-esteem, he may tend to dwell on his shortcomings. To counter this, encourage him to write down all the evidence that contradicts those negative thoughts. He can also make lists of his positive qualities and any positive feedback he’s received from others.
You can also introduce him to the idea of cognitive restructuring, which involves challenging those negative thoughts and replacing them with more balanced, realistic ones.
Encourage self-compassion
Many men struggle to accept their flaws and practice self-compassion. Explain that self-compassion means being kind and understanding toward oneself, especially when things are difficult. Suggest that he treat himself with the same care and understanding that he’d offer a good friend. He can also practice mindfulness to observe his thoughts and feelings without judging them.
Promote self-care and personal growth
Encourage him to participate in activities that bring him joy and fulfillment. Support his pursuit of hobbies, interests, and personal goals. It’s important that he develop his own authentic self outside of the relationship.
True self-love comes from developing your own authentic self outside of relationships with friends or family. Help him understand that his worth isn’t tied to his achievements or how others perceive him.
Setting Realistic Goals and Celebrating Achievements
One of the best ways to improve your self-esteem is to set goals and achieve them. But it’s important to start small. When you’re struggling with low self-esteem, setting overly ambitious goals can backfire.
Instead, help the man in your life break down larger goals into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, if he wants to get in shape, suggest starting with a 15-minute walk each day instead of immediately trying to run a marathon.
And be sure to celebrate every success, no matter how small. Point out the positive aspects of his efforts and encourage him to keep going. Positive reinforcement can work wonders!
Sharing positive thoughts and feelings with someone who is struggling helps them feel seen and appreciated, which can make a huge difference in their self-esteem.
Building a supportive environment
If you’re in a relationship with a man who has low self-esteem, you can help him build a more supportive environment in his life.
Positive reinforcement and encouragement
Don’t underestimate the power of positive reinforcement. It can really help to build up his self-esteem.
- Tell him you love him and why.
- Offer genuine compliments that speak to his character.
- Focus on his strengths and accomplishments.
Healthy boundaries and expectations
Don’t let his low self-esteem drag you down or lead you to neglect your own needs.
- Remain autonomous.
- Accept that you can’t “fix” him.
- Set healthy boundaries to protect your own emotional health.
Positive relationships
Help him build positive relationships with people who lift him up and limit contact with people who bring him down. Volunteering together is a great way to make new friends and give back to the community.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, low self-esteem is more than just a passing mood. If the man in your life is struggling with persistent feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or self-loathing, it might be time to suggest professional help.
Don’t hesitate to bring up therapy as a positive and beneficial option. Talking therapies, like counseling and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), can be incredibly effective in addressing the root causes of low self-esteem and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
CBT helps people recognize and change negative thought patterns, while counseling provides a supportive space to explore emotions and build self-compassion. Many areas offer self-referral processes for these types of talking therapies, making it easier to access the support he needs.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you comfort a partner with low self-esteem?
Comforting a partner with low self-esteem involves a multi-faceted approach. It’s about consistent, genuine affirmation of their strengths and qualities. Actively listen to their concerns without judgment and validate their feelings. Encourage them to pursue activities that bring them joy and a sense of accomplishment. Celebrate their successes, no matter how small they may seem. Most importantly, be patient and understanding, as building self-esteem is a journey, not a destination.
What to say to a guy with low self-esteem?
When talking to a man struggling with low self-esteem, focus on specific, positive attributes you admire. Instead of generic compliments, point out his intelligence, kindness, humor, or work ethic. Remind him of past successes and how he overcame challenges. Use phrases like, “I admire your [positive trait]” or “Remember when you accomplished [achievement]? That was amazing.” Encourage him to focus on his strengths and avoid comparing himself to others. Let him know you’re there to support him, not to fix him.
How to fix low self-esteem in men?
Low self-esteem isn’t something you can “fix” in another person; it’s an internal process. However, you can support a man in building his self-esteem. Encourage him to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor, as they can provide tools and strategies for addressing underlying issues. Suggest activities that promote self-care, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies. Help him identify and challenge negative thought patterns. Set healthy boundaries and encourage him to do the same. Ultimately, the journey to improved self-esteem is his, and your role is to offer unwavering support and encouragement.
In Summary
Helping a man who struggles with low self-esteem requires patience, empathy, and consistent support. It’s a journey, not a destination, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Your focus should be on helping him to accept himself, love himself, and grow as a person.
Help him challenge his negative self-talk, and encourage him to develop a more positive image of himself.
If you feel like you’re in over your head, or if you’re concerned about his mental health, don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide him with the tools and support he needs to overcome his low self-esteem and build a more fulfilling life.