So, you messed up. You hurt your ex, and now you want them back. You’re probably feeling guilty, maybe even desperate. You want to fix things, to make it all go away, and to rekindle that flame. It’s understandable.
But let’s be honest: Learning how to get your ex back after hurting them isn’t easy. Reconciliation is complicated, and the odds aren’t exactly in your favor. The statistics are sobering. Only about 30% of couples get back together after a breakup, and of those, only around half manage to make it work long-term. So, while it’s possible, it’s important to be realistic.
This isn’t about manipulative tactics or playing games. This is about genuine self-improvement and understanding the pain you caused. This is about seeing things from your ex’s perspective and, if possible, rebuilding trust, one brick at a time. If you’re looking for a quick fix, you’re in the wrong place.
In this guide, we’ll walk you through the tough, but necessary steps: understanding the damage you’ve done, taking full responsibility for your actions, initiating contact (if appropriate), rebuilding trust, and, perhaps most importantly, learning how to move forward, regardless of the outcome. This is your roadmap to, hopefully, a second chance.
Understanding the damage and taking responsibility
Before you can even think about getting back together with your ex, you need to take a long, hard look at what went wrong in the relationship. This isn’t about a quick fix or a manipulative strategy. It’s about genuine self-reflection and a commitment to becoming a better person.
Identifying the hurtful actions
What specifically did you do that caused pain? Don’t gloss over it. Don’t minimize it. Be brutally honest with yourself about your role in the breakup. This isn’t the time to blame your ex or make excuses for your behavior. Excuses invalidate their feelings and show that you haven’t really grasped the impact of your actions.
Think deeply about how your behavior made them feel. Did it make them feel insecure? Unloved? Betrayed? Empathy is key here. Put yourself in their shoes and try to truly understand their perspective. What was it like to be on the receiving end of your actions?
Taking full responsibility
Acknowledge your mistakes. Own them. Apologize sincerely for the pain you caused. A simple “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. Demonstrate genuine remorse and regret. Show that you understand the depth of the hurt you inflicted.
Understand that their anger might be a defense mechanism. They may be displaying anger to mask their hurt feelings. Don’t take it personally. Recognize it as a sign of their pain and try to respond with empathy and understanding, not defensiveness.
The importance of self-reflection
Analyze your past behavior patterns. Are there recurring issues that need to be addressed? Did you struggle with jealousy? Communication? Commitment? Are there underlying issues or insecurities that contributed to your actions? Maybe you have commitment issues, or you were overly concerned with what others thought.
Commit to making lasting changes in your behavior and mindset. This isn’t about saying what they want to hear; it’s about personal growth. Identify actionable steps you can take to address your flaws. Maybe you need to seek therapy, read self-help books, or practice mindfulness. The key is to demonstrate a genuine desire to become a better partner, not just to get your ex back.
Time to make contact?
Before you reach out, you need to make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. It’s essential that you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and made real, lasting changes in your own life.
The no-contact rule (and when to break it)
The “no-contact rule” is a period where you avoid all contact with your ex. The purpose of this rule is to allow both of you to heal and gain some perspective. When you’re not constantly talking or texting, you’re less likely to say or do things you’ll later regret. Plus, it gives your ex the space to actually miss you and think about the good things in your relationship.
So, when do you break the no-contact rule? Only after you’ve truly taken responsibility for what you did and put in the work to change. And make sure you’re reaching out because you genuinely want to make amends, not just because you’re desperate to get them back. Desperation is never attractive.
Crafting your first message
Your initial message should be short, sweet, and focused on taking responsibility. This is not the time for blame games, excuses, or demanding a response. You want to acknowledge their pain and express your sincere remorse.
Here’s an example: “I understand I hurt you deeply, and I am truly sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my actions, and I take full responsibility for my mistakes.”
Managing your expectations
Be prepared for anything. They might not respond at all, and you need to respect that decision. Don’t pressure them or get angry if they reject your apology. This is about them and their healing, not about you getting what you want.
Patience is key. Give your ex the time and space they need to process their emotions. This isn’t a race, and pushing them will only backfire.
Rebuilding trust and emotional safety
Okay, you’ve apologized, you’ve taken responsibility, you’ve given your ex some space to process. Now comes the hard part: showing them that you’ve really changed and that it’s safe to trust you again. This isn’t a quick fix; it’s a long game.
Demonstrating consistent change
Talk is cheap. Anyone can say they’ve changed, but your actions are what will truly convince your ex that you’re not the same person who hurt them. You have to show, not tell.
- Consistently demonstrate the changes you’ve made through your behavior. This means not just avoiding repeating the exact mistakes of the past, but also showing that you’ve learned from them and grown as a person.
- Be patient. Rebuilding trust is a marathon, not a sprint. It can take months, even years, to fully regain your ex’s trust. Be prepared for setbacks, moments of doubt, and the occasional “I don’t know if I can do this.” That’s normal. Just keep showing up and being the best version of yourself.
Active listening and validation
When you do communicate with your ex, make sure you’re actively listening. This means more than just hearing the words they’re saying. It means paying attention to their body language, their tone of voice, and the emotions behind their words.
You also need to validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Acknowledge their pain and suffering without minimizing it or trying to fix it. Let them know that you hear them, you understand their perspective, and you care about how they’re feeling.
Creating emotional safety
Ultimately, rebuilding trust is about creating a safe space for your ex to be vulnerable with you again. This means being reliable, consistent, and predictable in your actions and words.
- Follow through on your promises and commitments, no matter how small. Avoid making impulsive decisions or breaking your word.
- Create a safe space for your ex to express their feelings without judgment. Listen without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. Show genuine care and concern for their well-being.
Remember, this isn’t about manipulation or trying to win them back by being “perfect.” It’s about genuinely working to be a better person and creating a relationship built on trust, respect, and emotional safety. If you can do that, you’ll have a much better chance of getting your ex back – and, more importantly, building a healthier, more fulfilling relationship in the long run.
Moving Forward: Redefining the Relationship
So, you’ve apologized, you’ve shown genuine remorse, and you’ve started working on yourself. Now comes the hard part: figuring out if a relationship is even possible (or advisable) moving forward.
Assessing Compatibility and Shared Goals
Before diving back in, take a long, hard look at whether you and your ex are truly compatible. This isn’t about romanticizing the past; it’s about being honest with yourself.
- Do your values align?
- Do you share similar interests and lifestyle preferences?
- Are you both willing to compromise and work towards shared goals?
More importantly, understand why you broke up in the first place. What were the underlying issues? Were there fundamental differences that simply can’t be resolved? You both need to be committed to addressing the root causes of the problems, not just patching them up with temporary fixes.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
If you decide to give the relationship another shot, setting clear boundaries is crucial. This isn’t about control; it’s about protecting your emotional well-being.
- What are you willing to accept in the relationship?
- What are you not willing to accept?
Communicate these boundaries clearly and assertively. And, just as importantly, respect your ex’s boundaries. They may have different needs and expectations, and you need to be willing to compromise and negotiate.
The Possibility of a New Relationship (or Moving On)
Recognize that the relationship may not return to what it was before. In fact, it shouldn’t. Be open to the possibility of building a new and different kind of relationship – one based on mutual respect, understanding, and a commitment to growth.
However, be prepared for the possibility that reconciliation simply isn’t possible or healthy. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, some relationships just aren’t meant to be. If that’s the case, accept it, focus on healing, and find happiness on your own. It’s okay to move on and create a fulfilling life without your ex.
Frequently Asked Questions
What to say to an ex you hurt
When reaching out to an ex you’ve hurt, sincerity is key. Start by acknowledging the pain you caused and taking full responsibility for your actions. A heartfelt apology, free from excuses, is crucial. Let them know you understand the impact of your behavior and validate their feelings. Avoid defensiveness or trying to minimize what happened. Focus on demonstrating genuine remorse and a commitment to learning from your mistakes. Offer a sincere “I’m sorry,” and perhaps ask if they’re willing to talk when they are ready.
How to make an ex fall in love again
Making an ex fall in love again requires patience and a willingness to change. It’s less about manipulation and more about personal growth. Focus on becoming a better version of yourself – addressing the issues that led to the hurt in the first place. Demonstrate that you’ve learned from your mistakes through consistent actions, not just words. Give them space to heal and observe your growth from a distance. Building attraction again takes time and requires showing them, not telling them, that you’ve changed.
How do I get my ex back after I hurt him?
Getting your ex back after hurting him involves a multi-faceted approach. Begin with a sincere apology and demonstrate genuine remorse. Give him space to heal. While he heals, work on yourself. Show him, over time, that you’ve grown and changed. Avoid pressuring him or demanding forgiveness. Respect his boundaries and allow him to process his emotions at his own pace. Focus on rebuilding trust and demonstrating your commitment to a healthier relationship, if he is open to that.
How do I make my ex want me back?
You can’t make an ex want you back, and focusing on control is counterproductive. Instead, focus on becoming someone worth wanting back. This involves self-improvement, addressing the reasons for the breakup, and demonstrating genuine remorse for any hurt you caused. Project confidence, happiness, and independence. Respect their space and boundaries, and allow them to come to their own decision. Ultimately, their desire to reconcile must be their own, not something you force or manipulate.
Summary
If you hurt your ex, the key to getting them back lies in taking responsibility for what you did and making real, lasting changes. You have to show them – and, more importantly, yourself – that you’re genuinely committed to being a better person and a better partner.
Even if you do all the right things, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get back together. Reconciliation is never a sure thing, and you need to be prepared for the possibility that your ex may not want to rekindle the relationship.
Regardless of the outcome, focus on your own personal growth. Use this experience as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and become a more self-aware, compassionate individual. Whether or not you reconcile with your ex, you’ll be a better version of yourself.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for your past actions, and try to forgive your ex as well. Holding onto resentment will only hold you back. Moving forward requires letting go of the past and embracing the present, with all its possibilities.