Breakups are hard, and it can be difficult to gauge how deeply you broke his heart. The pain, the confusion, the feeling like you’ve lost your best friend — it’s a lot to handle. One minute you’re angry, the next you’re sad, and then you’re just plain lost.
It’s normal to wonder if getting back together is the right thing to do. But is it really the best option? Sometimes, moving on is healthier than trying to rekindle a flame.
If you’re sure you want to try and how to get your ex back, this guide offers a roadmap. It’s not a magic formula, but it outlines steps you can take to improve your chances. It’s about self-improvement, smart communication, and a whole lot of patience.
The No Contact Rule: Creating Space for Healing and Reflection
Want to get your ex back? The first thing you’ll need to do is absolutely nothing. That’s right. You’ll want to put yourself on a “no contact” regimen, which can be particularly effective when dealing with someone who is dismissive avoidant.
What is the No Contact Rule?
The No Contact Rule means that you cut off nearly all communication with your ex. No calls, no texts, no social media stalking, and absolutely no showing up at places you know they’ll be. It’s about creating space for both of you.
Why is it important?
The most important thing you can do after a breakup is to give the two of you some time apart. Emotions are likely running high, and you both need a chance to cool down and get a fresh perspective. Desperate actions, like chasing after a dumper, can make things worse. This time apart will allow you to heal and decide whether you want to get back together.
How to implement No Contact effectively
Set clear rules for yourself, and stick to them. Avoid accidental encounters, and definitely don’t spend your time scrolling through their social media. Enlist friends and family to keep you from backsliding.
The length of time you should remain in No Contact depends on the relationship and the circumstances of your breakup. But, in general, you should aim for 30 to 60 days. Use this time for self-improvement and personal growth.
When and how to break No Contact
You’ll know you’re ready to end No Contact when you’re feeling emotionally stable and have a good reason to reach out. Don’t do it just because you’re lonely. Have a specific and positive reason for wanting to connect.
When you do reach out, start with a casual and friendly message. Don’t bring up the breakup or try to pressure them into getting back together. Focus on having a good time getting reacquainted.
Become a better version of yourself
This might sound trite, but it’s true. If you want to get your ex back, you need to become the kind of person they’d want to be with. And honestly, even if you don’t get back together, this is still excellent advice for living a happier, more fulfilling life.
Identify areas for growth
Start with some honest self-reflection. What role did you play in the breakup? What were your strengths and weaknesses in the relationship? What behavioral patterns led to problems?
Don’t be afraid to ask trusted friends and family for their honest opinions. Be open to constructive criticism and willing to make changes. The goal is to identify areas where you can improve, both as a person and as a potential partner.
Take action: Focus on personal development
Now comes the hard part: actually doing the work.
- Physical Health: Exercise, eat well, and prioritize sleep. Taking care of your body improves your mood and self-esteem. Plus, let’s be honest, it makes you more attractive and confident.
- Mental and Emotional Wellbeing: Practice mindfulness, consider therapy, or start journaling. Address any underlying issues that may have contributed to the breakup. Develop healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and emotions.
- Pursue Hobbies and Interests: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This helps you rediscover your passions and build a more well-rounded life. It also makes you a more interesting and engaging person to be around.
Time to reconnect: Building a new connection
So, you’ve done the work. You’ve given each other space, focused on yourself, and become a better version of yourself. Now, you’re ready to test the waters.
The first interaction: Keep it light and positive
Think about the best way to reach out. A text? An email? A casual phone call? Consider what your ex prefers and what feels natural for both of you. Don’t make it too formal or intense. The goal here is to re-establish a friendly connection.
What do you talk about? Common ground. Discuss shared hobbies, mutual friends, or even just reminisce about a fun, positive memory. The point is to create a sense of connection and maybe a little nostalgia. Resist the urge to rehash the past or dissect the breakup.
Building rapport: Show genuine interest and empathy
Listen! Really listen to what they say. Ask open-ended questions and show that you’re genuinely interested in their life. Don’t interrupt or try to dominate the conversation. It’s about understanding their perspective, not pushing your own agenda.
Subtly showcase the positive changes you’ve made. Share a story about a new hobby you’re enjoying or a positive experience you’ve had. Don’t brag or try too hard to impress them. Just let your growth speak for itself.
Subtle flirting: Re-ignite the spark without going overboard
Genuine compliments can go a long way. Notice something you admire about their appearance or personality and tell them. Keep it tasteful and sincere. Don’t be creepy!
A little playful banter can also create a sense of fun and excitement. Engage in lighthearted teasing and humor, but avoid anything that could be interpreted as offensive or insensitive. The key is to keep it light and playful, not hurtful or judgmental.
The dating phase: Testing the waters and building intimacy
If you’ve successfully navigated the no-contact and friendship phases, congratulations! Now comes the trickiest part: moving toward a romantic relationship again.
Suggesting a date: Keeping it casual and low-pressure
When you ask your ex for a date, suggest something light and easygoing, like coffee, a walk in the park, or a casual lunch. The idea is to avoid anything that smacks of romance or seriousness and instead focus on activities that allow for conversation and connection. Let them know you’re thinking of it as just a friendly get-together.
It’s important to avoid putting pressure on them or making them feel like you expect a relationship to come out of this. Be prepared to accept their decision if they’re not interested in even a casual date.
Building intimacy: Sharing vulnerabilities and emotional connection
Open communication is key during this phase. You both need to discuss your feelings, needs, and expectations. Be honest and authentic, but don’t overwhelm them with negativity. Listen to their perspective and be willing to compromise.
If things are progressing well, you can also start to increase physical touch gradually. Start with small gestures like holding hands or hugging. Pay close attention to their cues and always respect their boundaries.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to get back with an ex properly
Okay, let’s be real. There’s no guaranteed “proper” way, because every relationship and breakup is unique. But if you’re serious about trying to rekindle things, ditch the manipulative tactics and focus on genuine growth. Start with honest self-reflection: What went wrong? What was your role in the breakup? Have you addressed those issues? Next, give each other space. Resist the urge to bombard them with texts or calls. Once you’ve both had time to process, consider a casual, low-pressure conversation. Focus on catching up and rebuilding a connection, not immediately begging for forgiveness. Show them, don’t tell them, that you’ve changed. And most importantly, be prepared for the possibility that they may not want to get back together. Respect their decision, even if it’s hard. The “proper” way is the respectful way, no matter the outcome.
How to make your ex come back to you
Let’s be clear: you can’t make anyone do anything. The idea of forcing someone back into a relationship is unhealthy and disrespectful. Instead of trying to control their feelings, focus on becoming the best version of yourself. Work on your happiness, pursue your passions, and build a fulfilling life. Ironically, sometimes that’s the most attractive thing you can do. If you and your ex are meant to be together, they’ll notice the positive changes you’ve made. However, the goal shouldn’t be to manipulate them into returning. It should be to create a better life for yourself, regardless of whether they’re a part of it. If they do come back, it should be because they genuinely want to, not because you tricked them into it.
Key takeaways
Knowing your own worth is the foundation of any healthy relationship, including getting back together with an ex. Don’t let the desire to reconcile erode your self-esteem. Be ready to walk away if the relationship isn’t healthy or fulfilling.
Whether you reconcile or not, you’ll have grown as a person through this experience. Focus on the positive changes you’ve made and the lessons you’ve learned. You deserve happiness and fulfillment, regardless of your relationship status.
Use what you’ve learned to build stronger, healthier relationships in the future. Believe in yourself and your ability to create a fulfilling life, with or without your ex.