Okay, so you’re dating someone, and things are going well. Maybe really well. But then a thought pops into your head and won’t go away: “What are we?”
Asking where things stand can be scary. What if they don’t see things the same way? What if bringing it up ruins everything?
But in today’s dating world, clear communication is more important than ever. Not knowing where you stand can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
So, how do you ask someone what they want in a relationship without scaring them off? This article will guide you through the “what are we?” conversation, including when to have it, what to ask, and how to handle whatever answer you get.
Before you ask: Know where you stand
Before you start throwing questions at your partner, it’s worth taking a moment to check in with yourself. Asking someone what they want in a relationship requires you to be clear on your own intentions and have a good grasp of where the relationship currently stands.
Know what you want
Are you looking for something casual, something serious, or something long-term? What are your absolute must-haves in a relationship? What are your boundaries and expectations?
Assess where you are
What’s the level of involvement and emotional connection like between you and your partner? Take a realistic look at your current situation. Are there signs of commitment or disinterest? Trust your gut when it comes to assessing the relationship you’re in.
Timing is Everything: When to Initiate the Conversation
Rushing into a serious discussion about relationship expectations can be a recipe for disaster. Don’t corner the other person or put them on the spot before they’re ready. Let things progress naturally at first.
But how do you know when the time is right? A good time to broach the subject might be after you’ve been on several dates, when you’re both starting to act like you’re exclusive, or when you’re making plans for the future together. These are all good indicators that the other person is interested in taking things to the next level.
Also, be aware of the context of your relationship. Are you only seeing each other, or are you still dating other people? It’s important to know where you both stand before you start talking about the future.
So, how do you ask? Framing the “What Are We?” question
It can be difficult to find a good time to ask someone about their expectations for your relationship. Here’s how you can frame the question:
Direct and clear communication
When you’re ready to ask the “What are we?” question, be upfront about your feelings and expectations. Communicate clearly and directly about what you want and avoid ambiguity. Don’t hint around the edges of the topic; dive right in with direct questions like “What are you looking for in dating right now?”
Specific questions to gauge intentions
You can also ask about future plans to gauge their intentions. Consider these questions:
- “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
- “What are your feelings about long-term relationships? About marriage?”
- “What do you want out of the relationship we have?”
Decoding the Response and Navigating Different Outcomes
So, you’ve asked the big question. Now what? It’s all about listening closely – not just to the words, but to the way they’re delivered. Watch for consistency between what someone says and what they do.
Recognizing Red Flags and Inconsistent Behavior
Words are cheap. Pay attention to actions. Does their behavior line up with their stated intentions? Ambiguous or evasive answers are also a red flag. If they’re dodging the question or can’t articulate clear future plans, it might signal a lack of commitment, or even worse, a desire for something completely different than you. You might also want to pay attention to acts of service.
Handling Alignment of Intentions
Hooray! You’re on the same page. Celebrate that mutual understanding! Talk about what comes next. But, let’s be real: sometimes, intentions don’t align. And that’s okay. Don’t try to force someone to change their mind or pressure them into something they don’t want. Be prepared to walk away if your core desires for the relationship are fundamentally different. It’s better to know now than to invest months or years into something that will ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to ask someone what their intentions are in a relationship?
The key is to be direct but gentle. Frame it as a genuine desire to understand their perspective and where they see things going. You could say something like, “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, and I’m curious to hear what you’re looking for in a relationship right now.” This opens the door for them to share without feeling pressured. Remember to listen actively and respect their answer, even if it’s not what you were hoping for.
How do I ask someone what they want from dating?
Similar to asking about intentions, approaching this with curiosity and openness is best. Instead of an interrogation, try phrasing it in a casual, conversational way. For example, “So, what’s your dating philosophy? Are you dating to find something serious, or are you more focused on having fun and exploring different connections?” This allows them to express their preferences and goals without feeling like they’re being put on the spot.
How to ask for what you want in relationships?
This is about clear and assertive communication. Start by understanding your own needs and desires. Then, express them in a way that’s honest, respectful, and avoids blaming. Instead of saying “You never do X,” try “I would really appreciate it if we could do X more often because it makes me feel Y.” Using “I” statements helps you take ownership of your feelings and makes it easier for the other person to hear you without getting defensive. Remember, it’s a two-way street; be willing to listen to their needs as well and find compromises that work for both of you.
Closing Thoughts
Before you go asking someone else what they want, make sure you know what you want. It’s important to be aware of your own needs and be willing to set boundaries to protect them. If what you want and what they want don’t align, it’s OK to walk away.
Healthy relationships are built on open communication. Be honest and clear about your intentions and expectations, and encourage the other person to do the same.
With a little self-awareness and a commitment to open communication, you can approach the “What are we?” conversation with confidence and clarity.