People with an avoidant attachment style tend to fear intimacy and have a hard time expressing emotions. This often comes from experiences they had in the past.
Being in a relationship with someone who is avoidant can be tough. They may seem distant, emotionally unavailable, and struggle with commitment. The good news is that it’s possible to build a healthy and loving relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, but it will take effort from both partners, especially during fearful avoidant breakup stages.
The key is creating a safe and secure environment where they feel comfortable opening up and connecting with you. Building trust is also crucial. You’ll need to be patient, understanding, and consistent in your actions. If you care about someone with an avoidant attachment style, it’s worth learning how to make an avoidant feel safe.
This guide provides strategies to help you do just that and foster deeper connections.
Understanding why avoidant attachment happens
Attachment theory basics
To understand why people develop an avoidant attachment style, it helps to know something about attachment theory, first proposed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. Attachment theory focuses on how our earliest relationships shape our ability to form healthy, lasting bonds with others.
According to attachment theory, there are four main attachment styles:
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Disorganized
These styles develop in response to our early experiences with caregivers. If a child’s needs are consistently met with love and support, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. If a child’s needs are sometimes met but other times ignored, they may develop an anxious attachment style. And if a child’s needs are actively rejected, they may develop an avoidant attachment style.
Origins of avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment often stems from childhood experiences where a child faces rejection or emotional unavailability from caregivers. Perhaps they were discouraged from expressing their emotions or were made to feel that their needs were a burden.
As a result, these individuals develop a fear of intimacy and learn to rely on self-sufficiency. They suppress their needs and emotions to avoid vulnerability, creating a pattern of emotional distance in their relationships.
The foundation: Patience and consistent reassurance
If you’re in a relationship with an avoidant person, you’ll need to understand that building trust takes time and consistent effort, especially if you are dealing with a fearful avoidant partner. Your avoidant partner will need time to process their emotions and feel safe enough to open up to you.
Patience is key
Avoid pushing for intimacy or commitment too quickly. Pressuring an avoidant person to become physically or emotionally intimate can trigger their fear of being engulfed and lead to withdrawal. You’ll need to demonstrate patience and respect their boundaries at all times.
Consistent reassurance
You can offer verbal and nonverbal reminders of your commitment and affection. Regularly express your care and support, even when your partner seems to be pushing you away.
In fact, it’s especially important to reassure them that you’re there for them at times when they’re pushing you away. It’s also crucial to be consistent in your actions and words. Avoidant individuals are highly sensitive to inconsistencies and may interpret them as signs of rejection.
The Language of Safety: Communication
When you’re trying to build a secure connection with someone who leans avoidant, the way you communicate can make all the difference. It’s about creating an environment where they feel safe enough to open up, without feeling judged or pressured.
Creating a Safe Space
Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings openly. Let them know that you’re there to listen without criticism or rejection. Practice active listening—truly hear what they’re saying, and try to understand their perspective, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. Empathy is key.
Steering Clear of Accusations
Avoid accusations and blame. Frame conversations in a non-accusatory way, using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying “You always shut me out,” try “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk for a few days. Can we find a way to stay in touch?” Focus on specific behaviors rather than making sweeping generalizations about their character.
Also, pick your battles wisely. Not every issue needs to be addressed immediately. Prioritize important conversations and let go of minor grievances. Sometimes, silence and understanding can be more powerful than words.
Respecting their need for space and independence
One of the best ways to make an avoidant person feel safe in a relationship is to respect their need for space and independence. It might be hard to understand if you have an anxious attachment style, but try to see that their need for autonomy isn’t a reflection of their feelings for you.
Understanding the avoidant’s need for autonomy
The avoidant person in your life values their independence and personal space. They need time alone to recharge and process their emotions. This is just part of their personality. What can you do?
- Avoid being clingy or demanding.
- Give them the space they need without taking it personally.
Practical ways to provide space
You can encourage the avoidant person in your life to pursue their own interests and hobbies. Support their need for autonomy and individuality.
Also, respect their boundaries when it comes to physical touch and emotional intimacy. Don’t pressure them to do anything they’re not comfortable with.
Unconditional Love and Acceptance: The Key to Security
With an avoidant partner, the most powerful thing you can do is offer them the gift of unconditional love and acceptance. But what does that really mean?
Defining Unconditional Love
Unconditional love means accepting your partner just as they are, imperfections and all. It means showing them, through your words and actions, that your love isn’t a reward to be earned or a punishment to be avoided. It’s a constant, a safe harbor, which is important to remember, even when discussing dismissive avoidant cheating.
Avoid using love as a bargaining chip or a tool to manipulate behavior. This will only reinforce their fear of vulnerability and push them further away.
Demonstrating Acceptance
Validation is key. Even if you don’t fully understand their feelings, acknowledge them. Let them know you hear them and that their experiences are valid, without judgment.
Shift your focus to their positive qualities and strengths. Help them see themselves in a positive light, reminding them of their inherent worth. This can be a powerful antidote to their self-doubt and fear of inadequacy.
When to Seek Professional Help
It’s important to recognize that self-help has its limits. If you or your partner has deep-seated attachment issues, or if you’re struggling to make progress, professional help is often the best course of action.
Therapy or counseling, either for the individual or as a couple, offers a safe and structured environment to explore past experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms. A therapist can help an avoidant person understand their fears and anxieties, and guide them toward more secure attachment patterns.
Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows a commitment to personal growth and the health of your relationship. A therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to navigate the complexities of avoidant attachment and build a more fulfilling connection.
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes an avoidant feel loved?
Making an avoidant feel loved is often counterintuitive. It’s not about showering them with constant affection or demanding emotional intimacy. Instead, it’s about demonstrating respect for their need for space and independence. Show them you trust their judgment and aren’t trying to control them. Small acts of service, thoughtful gestures that don’t require a grand emotional display, and consistent reliability can all contribute to a feeling of love and security.
How do you comfort an avoidant?
When comforting an avoidant, avoid overwhelming them with emotion. Offer support in a calm, understated way. Instead of saying, “I’m here for you, tell me everything,” try something like, “I’m here if you need anything.” Give them the space to process their feelings on their own terms. Offer practical help rather than forcing emotional discussions. A simple, “Can I help you with that?” can be much more effective than a deep dive into their feelings.
How to get an avoidant to trust you again?
Rebuilding trust with an avoidant requires patience and consistency. Start by acknowledging any mistakes you’ve made and demonstrating a genuine commitment to change. Avoid pressuring them for forgiveness or demanding immediate reconciliation. Instead, focus on consistently showing them that you’re reliable, respectful of their boundaries, and not going to abandon them. Let your actions speak louder than your words, and give them the time and space they need to feel safe again.
Wrapping Up
Remember, building a secure relationship with an avoidant partner takes patience, understanding, and consistent effort. Think of it as a journey, not a destination.
But there’s a lot of room for growth and a deeper connection if you can keep that in mind. With consistent effort and understanding, you absolutely can build a fulfilling and secure relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
As you’re working on it, focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and celebrate the small victories along the way. There’s always hope!