People with avoidant attachment styles—dismissive and fearful—often keep others at arm’s length. This can make it feel impossible to make an avoidant miss you, since they seem so self-sufficient and independent.
But it’s not impossible. The key is to understand the needs of someone with an avoidant attachment style and create a secure attachment environment.
In this article, we’ll cover the differences between dismissive and fearful avoidant attachment, what goes on in their heads, and actionable tips for creating connection and longing in your avoidant partner; it’s important to also consider how to date a guy without sleeping with him.
You can learn how to make an avoidant miss you—without sacrificing your own needs in the process.
Dismissive vs. fearful avoidant: Recognizing the nuances
Before you begin to put your plan into action, you first need to understand what type of avoidant attachment style you’re dealing with. They aren’t all the same. Each one has its own needs and desires.
Dismissive avoidant (DA)
People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style have a strong need to be independent and self-sufficient. They tend to suppress their emotions and avoid intimacy so they can stay in control of their feelings and their lives. They may also have a hard time recognizing or validating the emotions of other people.
If you’re trying to make a DA miss you, you’ll need to give them space. You’ll also need to let them initiate contact. Focus on building trust by being consistent in your actions. Longer periods of no contact — maybe around 45 days — may be effective with DAs.
Fearful avoidant (FA)
A fearful avoidant exhibits both anxious and avoidant tendencies, which creates a confusing push-pull dynamic. They fear both intimacy and abandonment, and this can lead to emotional volatility. Often, people with this attachment style have had inconsistent or even frightening experiences with their parents when they were growing up.
If you’re trying to make an FA miss you, you’ll need to strike a more delicate balance between giving them space and reassuring them that you still care. Shorter periods of no contact (maybe 21 to 30 days) may be more effective than longer periods. They also need consistent reassurance and validation to counter their fear of abandonment.
The avoidant mindset: Understanding their thought processes
If you’re trying to figure out how to make an avoidant person miss you, you first have to understand what makes them tick. People with avoidant attachment styles have a specific set of core fears and defense mechanisms that influence how they behave in relationships.
Core Fears
Avoidant people are often driven by two main anxieties:
- Fear of losing independence and being controlled. This fear is common in both dismissive and fearful avoidants. When they start to feel overwhelmed, they’ll use deactivation strategies to create some distance.
- Fear of abandonment and rejection. This is more prevalent in fearful avoidants. It leads to anxiety and a constant need for reassurance, which, ironically, can push partners away.
Deactivation Strategies
Avoidants use these strategies to keep their emotional distance:
- Identifying perceived flaws in a partner. They might focus on negative qualities or past mistakes to justify creating emotional separation.
- Avoiding emotional vulnerability and intimacy. They might withhold feelings, change the subject, or stick to superficial conversations.
- Idealizing past relationships or potential partners. They might compare you unfavorably to someone from their past to keep you at arm’s length.
The Pendulum Effect (Fearful Avoidant)
Fearful avoidants often experience extreme emotional swings between wanting closeness and needing space. Understanding this cyclical pattern is crucial for managing your expectations and avoiding triggers. Their emotional value changes from moment to moment, and it has nothing to do with you.
How to make an avoidant miss you: Creating space and connection
When you’re trying to spark longing in an avoidant person, you need to walk a tightrope. You have to create enough distance for them to feel the pang of absence, but not so much that they shut down emotionally. It’s a delicate dance.
The Importance of Space
The key is to let them experience longing without triggering their deactivation systems. What are deactivation systems? They’re the defense mechanisms that avoidants use to push people away when they start to feel too close.
Here’s the catch: avoidants are often free to long for someone after that person is no longer available. Being out of contact prevents the actual engagement that triggers those deactivation systems.
Respecting their need for independence and autonomy is crucial. Pushing for closeness will almost always backfire and reinforce their avoidant tendencies.
Cultivating Connection from a Distance
Even with space, you can still nurture a sense of connection. How? By maintaining a sense of mystery and intrigue. Share glimpses into your life without revealing everything. Spark their curiosity.
Focus on personal growth and self-improvement. Demonstrating independence and confidence can be incredibly attractive to avoidants. Be the best version of yourself.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Radiating happiness and contentment makes you more appealing to everyone, including avoidants; using the right words can also help if you want to attract a man.
The Art of Reciprocity (Crucial for Fearful Avoidants)
This is especially important if you’re dealing with a fearful avoidant, and also important to understand how to ask a guy where the relationship is going. They crave connection but are also terrified of it. You need to balance that space with reassurance and validation.
A lack of reciprocated longing can trigger anxiety and withdrawal in fearful avoidants. So, respond to their attempts at connection with warmth and understanding. Avoid criticism or judgment, and focus on positive interactions.
BUILDING A SECURE ATTACHMENT ENVIRONMENT: The Key to Long-Term Change
The best way to encourage an avoidant to miss you is to help them feel safe enough to connect. Here’s how:
Consistent and Predictable Behavior
Follow through on your promises, and be consistent in your communication. Be reliable and trustworthy. Create a safe space where your partner can be vulnerable and express their emotions. Practice active listening, validate their feelings, and make a conscious effort to avoid becoming defensive.
Effective Communication
Express your needs and feelings clearly and assertively, but without blaming or criticizing. Use “I” statements to communicate your perspective and avoid triggering defensiveness. Actively listen to their concerns and validate their perspective. Show empathy and understanding, even when you disagree.
Patience and Understanding
Remember that attachment styles aren’t fixed. Change takes time. Celebrate small victories and don’t get discouraged by setbacks. Understand that childhood experiences have a profound impact on their attachment style. Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from a childhood in which at least one parent or caregiver exhibited frightening behavior.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to encourage an avoidant partner to open up
Encouraging an avoidant partner to open up requires patience, understanding, and a consistent approach that prioritizes their comfort level. It’s less about forcing them to share and more about creating a safe space where they feel secure enough to let their guard down.
Firstly, avoid pressuring them or demanding emotional vulnerability. This can trigger their avoidance tendencies and push them further away. Instead, focus on building trust through consistent, reliable behavior. Show them that you’re a safe person to confide in by being a good listener and respecting their boundaries.
Create opportunities for connection that don’t feel like direct confrontations. Engage in activities you both enjoy, which can naturally lead to conversations and shared experiences. When they do share something, validate their feelings and show empathy, even if you don’t fully understand their perspective.
It’s also crucial to communicate your own needs and feelings in a non-accusatory way. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior affects you, rather than blaming them for being distant. For example, instead of saying “You never talk to me,” try “I feel disconnected when we don’t have opportunities to share our thoughts.”
Finally, recognize that change takes time. Be patient and celebrate small victories. If your partner is willing, couples therapy can also provide a structured environment for them to explore their avoidance patterns and learn healthier ways to connect.
Key Takeaways
If you want an avoidant person to miss you, the strategy boils down to giving them space, connecting from a distance, and building an environment that feels safe and secure to them. Remember, dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants are different, and what works for one might not work for the other.
Be prepared to be patient and consistent, and to stay aware of your own feelings and needs. Building trust and connection with an avoidant person takes time and effort.
But it’s also possible for people to grow and develop more secure attachment styles. With conscious effort and understanding, you and your avoidant partner can build a deeper, more fulfilling connection.