Have you ever wondered why you approach relationships one way, while your partner sees things completely differently? Attachment theory may hold the answer. Developed by John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that our early childhood experiences shape how we form relationships later in life. According to this theory, there are four main attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure, and disorganized.
If you’re trying to figure out how to get an avoidant to commit, you’re likely facing unique challenges. People with avoidant attachment styles tend to fear intimacy and commitment. They often value their independence above all else and may create emotional distance in relationships.
So, is it possible to build a lasting, committed relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style? Absolutely. But it requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to respect their needs. Sometimes, it also requires a shift in your own perspective and a willingness to adapt your relationship strategies.
This article will provide actionable strategies to foster commitment with an avoidant partner. Remember, success isn’t about changing who they are, but about creating a safe and supportive environment where they feel comfortable enough to let their guard down and build a deeper connection.
Decoding the Avoidant Attachment Style
If you’re in love with someone who seems to keep you at arm’s length, it can be frustrating and confusing, to say the least. You may be wondering if the person you love has an avoidant attachment style.
Origins and Characteristics
Attachment styles develop in childhood, based on our earliest relationships with our caregivers. If a child doesn’t receive enough attention or their emotional needs aren’t met, they may develop an avoidant attachment style. The child learns that it’s not safe to depend on others and that they must rely on themselves.
As adults, people with an avoidant attachment style often have a fear of intimacy and commitment. They tend to prioritize their independence and self-reliance and have difficulty expressing their emotions and being vulnerable.
Common Avoidant Behaviors in Relationships
How can you tell if your partner has an avoidant attachment style? Here are some common behaviors to look for:
- Creating emotional distance
- Avoiding deep conversations or emotional expression
- Hesitancy to make long-term plans or commitments
It’s easy to misinterpret these behaviors as a lack of interest or affection, but it’s important to understand that they’re often driven by fear rather than a lack of caring. People with an avoidant attachment style may care deeply about you, but their fear of intimacy can make it difficult for them to express their feelings and commit to the relationship.
Building trust and security through actions
If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s avoidant, it’s important to remember that you can’t just tell them to trust you. You have to show them, consistently, over time.
The power of consistent reliability
Avoidants are often hypersensitive to inconsistencies. They’re looking for signs that they’re going to be hurt or abandoned, so it’s crucial to demonstrate reliability through your actions, not just your words. Follow through on your promises, no matter how small. Be dependable and predictable in your behavior. Even small gestures, like remembering their favorite coffee order or consistently being on time, can make a big difference.
Over time, this consistent reliability will build trust and create a sense of security. It will help your avoidant partner feel safer and more comfortable opening up, because they’ll know they can count on you.
Prioritizing shared experiences over intense conversations
Avoidants often respond better to shared activities than to deep, emotional conversations. This is because intense conversations can trigger their fear of intimacy and vulnerability. They might feel pressured or overwhelmed, and they might shut down or withdraw.
Instead of trying to force emotional intimacy, focus on building connection through shared hobbies, activities, or projects. This allows for bonding without the pressure of direct emotional expression. Go hiking, take a cooking class, volunteer together, or even just watch a movie and talk about it afterward. These shared experiences can create a sense of closeness and connection that feels less threatening to an avoidant partner, and pave the way for deeper emotional intimacy down the road.
Respecting the need for space and independence
If you’re dating an avoidant, you already know they value their space and independence. It’s not a personal rejection of you. It’s just how they’re wired.
Understanding their boundary needs
Respecting an avoidant partner’s need for space is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship with them. If you push for closeness when they need space, it’s probably going to backfire and increase their anxiety. This can lead to a distancing cycle that’s hard to break.
So, how can you respect their boundaries?
- Pay attention to their cues and signals.
- Avoid pressuring them for more attention or affection than they’re comfortable giving.
- Give them the freedom to pursue their own interests and hobbies without feeling guilty or obligated.
Fostering independence within the relationship
Encourage your avoidant partner’s independence and individual pursuits. Support their hobbies, interests, and friendships. It’s important for them to feel like they can maintain their sense of self while being in a relationship.
At the same time, demonstrate that you are secure in your own independence and don’t need constant reassurance. This can help them feel less pressured and more comfortable in the relationship. Show that you have your own life, interests, and friends outside of the relationship. The less pressure they feel to be your everything, the more likely they are to relax and open up.
Communicating with an avoidant: Empathy and lowered expectations
If you’re trying to build a long-term relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, here are a few things you can do when you’re talking with them.
Empathetic communication
In all your conversations, aim for openness and honesty tempered with empathy and understanding. It’s especially important to avoid sounding judgmental or critical when your partner is sharing their feelings or explaining their actions.
Instead, focus on expressing your own needs and feelings in a calm and respectful way. Keep the focus on yourself, and avoid blaming or accusing language. You could say, “I feel sad when I don’t hear from you,” instead of “You never call me.”
Remember to actively listen when your partner is speaking, and acknowledge that you understand what they’re saying. Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, you can say, “I hear that you feel overwhelmed by all the social engagements coming up.”
Managing communication expectations
It’s helpful to dial down your expectations for frequent or intense communication. For example, don’t get upset or make demands if your partner doesn’t respond as quickly or emotionally as you would like them to.
Instead, focus on the quality of your interactions. Even small gestures of affection or support can be meaningful. For example, if your partner remembers to pick up your favorite coffee drink on the way home, that’s a sign that they’re thinking of you, even if they aren’t saying it out loud.
The secret sauce: “Wu Wei” and unconditional positive regard
Building a lasting relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be hard, but it can be done. Here are some tips that can help.
Embrace “Wu Wei” – Effortless Action
“Wu wei” is a concept from Taoism that means “effortless action” or “non-doing.” It’s about being at peace while you’re doing something, carrying out tasks with skill and efficiency, but without straining or forcing things.
In a relationship with an avoidant partner, “wu wei” means letting go of rigid expectations and allowing the relationship to unfold without trying to control it. Avoid pushing for milestones or demanding constant reassurance. Instead, trust that the relationship will evolve organically if you create a safe and supportive environment.
Unconditional Positive Regard
This term, coined by psychologist Carl Rogers, refers to showing someone complete acceptance and support, no matter what they say or do. It’s all about making your avoidant partner feel valued for who they are, without imposing conditions or expectations.
When you show genuine appreciation and acceptance, you create a secure base from which your partner can gradually explore greater intimacy. They’ll know that they can be themselves without fear of judgment or rejection, which can be incredibly liberating for someone who tends to keep their distance.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do avoidants take so long to commit?
Avoidants often take a long time to commit because of deep-seated fears surrounding vulnerability and loss of independence. Commitment can feel like a trap to them, triggering anxieties about being controlled or suffocated. This isn’t necessarily a reflection of their feelings for you, but rather a manifestation of their attachment style.
What makes an avoidant want to commit?
An avoidant individual is more likely to commit when they feel safe, understood, and respected for their need for space. Showing them that you value their independence and won’t pressure them into anything they’re not ready for can create a sense of security that allows them to consider commitment.
How do you make an avoidant want you?
You can’t make anyone want you, but you can create an environment where an avoidant feels comfortable enough to explore a deeper connection. This involves being consistently reliable, respectful of their boundaries, and emotionally secure in yourself. Avoid neediness or clinginess, and focus on building a genuine connection based on mutual respect and understanding.
Who are avoidants most attracted to?
Ironically, avoidants are often initially attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or who mirror their own avoidant tendencies. This can create a dynamic where neither person is truly able to commit. However, avoidants can also be drawn to secure individuals who are patient, understanding, and able to provide a sense of stability without being overbearing. Ultimately, attraction is complex and depends on individual personalities.
Putting It All Together
Building a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style requires a whole lot of patience and understanding. It’s a long-term process that will require consistent effort and commitment from you both.
It’s also important to be self-aware and manage your own attachment style and insecurities. Dating an avoidant partner can amplify your own anxieties, so it’s important to be mindful of your feelings and how they impact your interactions.
You might also consider professional help. Therapy can provide guidance and support as you navigate the challenges that come with different attachment styles.
It’s possible to build a fulfilling and committed relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It just takes understanding, patience, effort, and maybe a little help along the way.