Conflict is a given in any relationship. What really counts is how you handle disagreements. Unresolved conflict erodes the foundation of a relationship and builds resentment. When handled well, conflict can actually bring you closer as a couple.
The key is developing good communication skills and focusing on repairing the connection after the fight.
Here are 7 things to do after a fight with your partner. By following these tips, you’ll learn to navigate conflict constructively and foster a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Take an Intentional “Timeout”
When you’re in the middle of a fight with your partner, your emotions are running high. That’s why one of the most important things you can do is take an intentional “timeout.”
Trying to work through a conflict when you’re both emotionally charged can make things worse.
Agree to revisit the conversation later when you’re both in a calmer state of mind. This helps prevent the same argument from resurfacing again and again.
During your timeout, focus on:
- Reflecting on your own feelings and perspective. What role did you play in the conflict? What are your triggers or underlying issues?
- Avoiding negative thoughts or blaming.
- Engaging in calming activities to reduce stress and anxiety. Try deep breathing exercises, meditation, or spending time in nature.
Extend an olive branch
When the time is right, offer your partner an olive branch. When you do this, you’re saying you’re committed to fixing the relationship and moving on. It shows them you still care, even though you had a disagreement.
An olive branch can be anything from a sincere apology to a hug or a small, kind gesture, all of which help you nurture your marriage with love. The fastest way to patch things up after an argument is just to say, “I’m sorry.”
We all feel respected and cared for when someone apologizes for how they treated us.
Even if you don’t think you were entirely to blame, apologize for your part in the fight. A sincere apology acknowledges the hurt you caused and shows you understand how your partner feels.
Apologizing can diffuse tension and make it easier to talk. Avoid making excuses or justifying what you did when you apologize. Just say you’re sorry and that you take responsibility for what you did.
Listen Actively and Validate Your Partner’s Feelings
Fights happen. But the most important thing is how you handle yourself after the fight is over. Here’s a great technique for making sure the dust settles the right way.
Understanding Your Partner’s Perspective
Listening to what your partner has to say without interrupting is essential. Pay close attention to their words, body language, and emotions. Try your best to understand their perspective, even if you disagree with it.
It’s also important to validate their feelings by acknowledging that they’re entitled to feel the way they do. Avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings, even if you think they’re overreacting. Try using phrases like, “I understand why you feel that way” or “That must have been difficult for you.”
Demonstrating Empathy
Show empathy by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and trying to see the situation from their perspective. This can help you understand their motivations and reactions, and it also demonstrates that you care about their feelings and are willing to listen.
You can also check in with your partner to make sure you understand them correctly. Use phrases like, “So, what I’m hearing is…” or “If I understand correctly…”
Share your side without blame
After a fight, it’s normal to want your partner to understand where you’re coming from. But how you share your perspective can make all the difference.
Communicate effectively
Focus on expressing your own experience and perspective instead of criticizing your partner. Use “I” statements to share your feelings and needs without pointing fingers. For example, instead of saying “You always make me feel…”, try “I feel… when…”
This can help prevent defensiveness and lead to a more productive conversation.
Avoid accusations
Steer clear of “you” statements, which can sound accusatory and trigger defensiveness. “You” statements often focus on what your partner is doing wrong, rather than expressing your own feelings.
Also, be mindful of your tone of voice and body language. Keep calm and respectful, even if you’re feeling frustrated. Nonverbal cues can impact how your message is received.
Return to the root of the issue
Once you’ve both calmed down, you can revisit the root of the argument.
Surface-level disagreements are often symptoms of deeper, underlying problems. By identifying those underlying issues, you can prevent future conflicts.
Ask yourselves, “What’s really going on here? What are we really arguing about?”
Are there unmet needs? Unresolved resentments? Communication breakdowns that are contributing to the conflict? Use deep conversation starters to get to the root cause.
Discuss the underlying issues openly and honestly, without judgment or blame. Acknowledge each other’s perspectives. Work together to find solutions that address the root cause of the problem.
If you struggle to identify or address the underlying issues on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate complex relationship dynamics.
Work together toward practical solutions
Once you’ve calmed down and heard each other out, you can begin looking for solutions. Collaboration is key here. You are a team, and it’s time to tackle the problem like one. Here’s how:
- Brainstorm. Discuss possible solutions and honestly evaluate the pros and cons of each.
- Agree. Choose a solution you both commit to.
- Plan. Create a plan for how to handle similar situations in the future. This might involve new communication strategies, setting boundaries, or developing coping mechanisms for stress.
To prevent future conflicts, discuss strategies such as:
- Improving your communication skills
- Practicing active listening
- Setting clear expectations
Develop a plan for how you’ll handle future disagreements, such as:
- Agreeing to take timeouts when emotions run high
- Using “I” statements to express your feelings
- Seeking professional help if needed
By working together, you can build a stronger, more resilient relationship.
When to consider couples counseling
It’s normal to fight with your partner from time to time. But if you find yourselves stuck in the same arguments over and over, or if you’re having trouble finding solutions on your own, you may want to consider couples counseling.
A therapist can give you a safe, supportive space where you can explore your relationship and develop healthier communication patterns. Even if there are no “severe” issues, couples therapy can still be helpful.
A therapist can help you:
- Identify underlying issues that are causing conflict
- Learn effective communication skills
- Develop strategies for resolving disagreements
Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If a pattern of conflict is becoming unhealthy, it’s important to get help.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the “3-day rule” after a fight?
The “3-day rule” suggests taking three days of space after a fight to cool down and reflect. While some find this helpful, it’s not a universal solution. Communication is key, so open dialogue should ideally happen sooner, once emotions have settled enough for constructive conversation.
How to resolve a big fight with your partner?
Resolving a big fight involves active listening, empathy, and taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. Avoid blaming or defensiveness. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective and finding mutually agreeable solutions. If the fight stems from a deeper issue, consider seeking couples therapy.
How to mend a relationship after a fight?
Mending a relationship requires effort from both partners. After the initial discussion, show affection, be patient, and actively work on rebuilding trust. Small gestures of kindness and quality time together can go a long way in repairing emotional wounds. Remember to address the root cause of the fight to prevent future recurrences.
What should a couple do after a fight?
After a fight, a couple should prioritize communication and understanding. Take time to cool down, then revisit the issue calmly. Express your feelings without blaming, listen to your partner’s perspective, and work together to find a resolution. Forgive each other, reaffirm your commitment, and focus on moving forward in a positive direction.
Conclusion
By taking these seven steps after a fight with your partner, you can turn conflict into a chance to grow and connect. We all know that disagreements are inevitable, but how we deal with them determines how healthy and long-lasting our relationships will be.
The goal is to repair the connection, communicate effectively, and address the issues that sparked the fight in the first place.
If you’re committed to making it work and willing to put in the effort, you can build a stronger, more resilient relationship that can withstand the challenges life throws your way. Don’t forget to revisit the conversation when you’re both calm to prevent the same issues from resurfacing.