It’s tough when you’re in a relationship and love someone else, or even just find yourself crushing on someone who isn’t your partner. You’re not alone, though. It’s actually a pretty common situation.
Sometimes, it’s just a harmless little crush that fades away. Other times, those feelings might be a sign that something’s not quite right in your current relationship.
So, what do you do when you’re in a relationship and love someone else? This article will explore the reasons behind those feelings, how to handle them, and when it might be time to take a closer look at what’s happening in your primary relationship.
Understanding the “Why”: Exploring the Root of the Attraction
It’s not uncommon to develop feelings for someone else while you’re in a relationship. The important thing is to understand why it’s happening.
The Allure of the New
Novelty can be incredibly exciting, especially if your current relationship has settled into a predictable routine. As relationship expert Esther Boykin says, “It’s common and normal to admire, be attracted to, and pine for people who are beautiful, smart, wonderful, amazing, confident, or rich.” The question is whether the attraction is based on genuine compatibility or simply the thrill of something new and different.
Addressing Unmet Needs
Sometimes, attraction to someone else signals that certain emotional, physical, or intellectual needs aren’t being met in your current relationship, potentially leading to a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable. As one expert puts it, “The opportunity to fall for someone else says a lot about your investment in your current relationship.” Take some time to identify what’s missing and consider whether it’s something that can be addressed within your existing partnership.
The Crush as a Warning Sign
A strong attraction to someone else can sometimes be a red flag, indicating deeper dissatisfaction or a lack of romantic feelings for your current partner, and could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. In some cases, “a crush can be a sign that you no longer have romantic feelings for your ex.” It’s important to assess your overall feelings about the relationship and determine whether the attraction is a symptom of a larger, underlying problem.
Managing the Crush: Strategies for Healthy Coping
So, you’re in a relationship and you’ve developed a crush on someone else. What now? Don’t panic! It’s more common than you think, and it doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed.
Acknowledge and Assess the Crush
First, realize that crushes happen. They’re a normal part of the human experience, and they don’t necessarily signal a secret desire to bail on your current relationship. In fact, most crushes just fade away on their own.
Take a look at the crush itself. How intense is it? Is it just a fleeting infatuation, or does it feel like something deeper?
Practical Strategies for Managing Feelings
Here’s where the rubber meets the road. You need a plan.
- Distance yourself: Create some physical and emotional space between you and the object of your affection. Minimize the temptation.
- Don’t feed the fantasy: Avoid getting lost in daydreams about this other person. Don’t play out scenarios in your head, and consider if these fantasies involve other women. Deny the crush the energy it needs to grow.
- Focus on the good: Remind yourself of all the things you love about your partner and your relationship. Appreciate what you have.
Open Communication (If Appropriate)
This one’s a bit trickier, and it really depends on your relationship and your partner. If you feel comfortable and you think it would be helpful, consider talking to your partner about your feelings. It can be a way to strengthen your bond and address any underlying issues that might be contributing to the situation. The key is to frame the conversation as a way to improve the relationship, not as a confession of wrongdoing.
Is it more than a crush? Recognizing Problematic Behavior
Having the occasional “crush” on someone else when you’re in a committed relationship is normal. However, there’s a line between harmless attraction and behavior that could damage the relationship. Where is that line? Let’s take a look:
Defining the Boundaries
A little bit of flirtation never went astray if I’m honest! As long as it doesn’t become sexual or intense, it’s all good. But, how do you know when a crush has crossed the line?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Is the attraction causing emotional or physical infidelity?
- Are you acting in ways you wouldn’t want your partner to know about?
- Does the crush make you want to spend less time with your partner?
Examining the Impact on the Relationship
Think about how this crush is affecting your relationship. Is it consuming your thoughts? Is it affecting your behavior toward your partner? Is it creating distance? Has the crush led to secretive behavior, lying, or emotional withdrawal from your partner?
Seeking Professional Guidance
If the crush is causing significant distress or impacting the relationship, it may be time to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. A professional can help you explore your feelings, identify underlying issues, and develop healthy coping strategies.
Making a Decision: To Stay or To Go
If you’re in a relationship and find yourself in love with someone else, you’ve got some soul-searching to do. Here’s how to figure out what’s best for you:
Honest Self-Reflection
Ask yourself these questions:
- Would you still be with your partner if the other person wasn’t in the picture?
- Are the issues in your current relationship fixable? Are you both willing to work on them?
Evaluating the Potential New Relationship
It’s exciting to feel that spark with someone new, but before you make any rash decisions, ask yourself:
- Is there genuine compatibility and shared values with this new person, or is it just attraction?
- Are you romanticizing the other person, or do you see them realistically, flaws and all?
Communicating the Decision
This is the hardest part, no matter what you decide. If you decide to end the relationship, remember to:
- Be honest and compassionate with your partner.
- Focus on why the relationship isn’t working for you. Don’t blame your partner or, worse, gush about the new person. Leave that part out entirely.
Breakups are rarely easy, but handling them with honesty and compassion can minimize the pain for everyone involved.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it cheating if you love someone else while in a relationship?
The definition of “cheating” is always up for debate, but strong feelings for someone outside your committed relationship definitely treads into tricky territory. While you haven’t physically acted on those feelings, the emotional connection could be considered a form of emotional infidelity by your partner. The key is open and honest communication. If you’re developing feelings for someone else, that’s a sign something isn’t quite right in your current relationship, and it’s worth exploring those feelings and discussing them with your partner.
Is it okay to love someone who is already in a relationship?
Love and attraction can be complex, and you can’t always control who you develop feelings for. However, acting on those feelings when someone is already in a committed relationship is generally not okay. It’s crucial to respect the boundaries of their relationship and avoid actions that could cause hurt or betrayal. While you can’t help how you feel, you can control your behavior. Focus on respecting their commitment and moving on.
Is it normal to be in a relationship and like someone else?
It’s actually quite common to experience attraction to others even when you’re in a loving relationship. Our brains are wired to notice attractive people. Liking someone else doesn’t automatically mean you’re unhappy or that your relationship is doomed. It’s more about what you do with those feelings. If the attraction becomes obsessive, interferes with your relationship, or leads to emotional or physical infidelity, then it’s a problem. Acknowledge the feeling, but actively choose to invest in your current relationship and address any underlying issues that might be contributing to your wandering eye.
In closing
Navigating the complexities of relationships requires a lot of self-reflection and, above all, honest communication. It’s important to remember that feeling attraction to other people is a normal part of life. However, the way you deal with those feelings is what really matters.
As you consider what to do next, make sure you prioritize your own well-being. Make decisions that align with your values and your long-term happiness. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Talking to a therapist isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength that can give you valuable support as you face these challenges. You’re worth it.