After a breakup, the “no contact” rule is a strategy where you deliberately stop all communication with your ex. The idea is to give yourself space to heal, reflect on the relationship, and maybe even create an opportunity for reconciliation down the road.
But what happens when your ex has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style? These individuals value their independence above all else and tend to react poorly to anything that feels like control or pressure.
That’s where things get tricky. The standard no-contact advice might not work the same way with a dismissive-avoidant. In fact, it could even backfire.
So, how long should no contact last with a dismissive avoidant personality? That’s the question we’re going to explore in this article. We’ll delve into the psychological characteristics of dismissive-avoidants and how those traits influence their response to no contact.
Spoiler alert: there’s no magic number. The ideal duration of no contact depends on a variety of factors. But by understanding the dismissive-avoidant mindset, you can make a more informed decision about how to proceed.
Decoding the dismissive avoidant attachment style
Before we dive into how long no contact takes to work on someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, let’s first understand what that attachment style is all about.
What makes dismissive avoidants tick?
People with this attachment style value their independence above all else. They tend to keep their emotions under tight control. The big, unspoken fear that drives their behavior is that if they get too emotionally close to someone, they’ll lose their sense of self, their autonomy, their control over their own lives.
To cope with this fear, they practice emotional detachment and rely solely on themselves.
The “avoidant death wheel”
I know, it sounds a bit dramatic, but this term describes a pattern that’s often seen in relationships with avoidants. It’s a cycle of behaviors that, honestly, isn’t very healthy.
One key stage in this cycle is what’s been called the “separation elation phase.” After a breakup, there’s this initial feeling of relief, even freedom. It’s like, “Ah, I can finally breathe again!”
And this is where it gets tricky because this initial elation can delay the moment when they realize the breakup actually means something. It can take them longer to process the impact of the separation.
Relationship red flags
If you’re in a relationship with someone with this attachment style, you might notice they keep you at arm’s length. They tend to avoid intimacy, and they’re not big on sharing their feelings or showing a lot of empathy.
Casual relationships might be their preference, or, depending on their views on intimacy, they might just keep any relationship they’re in on a more surface level.
The Rationale Behind No Contact for Dismissive Avoidants
The “no contact” rule, where you completely cut off communication with an ex, is often prescribed after a breakup. Generally, it’s meant to give you space to process your emotions and gain some perspective on what went wrong. But why is it particularly relevant when dealing with a dismissive avoidant?
For dismissive avoidants, no contact can be surprisingly effective. It allows them to experience the absence of the relationship without feeling suffocated by pressure or attempts at control. It gives them the space they crave, which ironically, can be what they need to confront their own emotions and attachment patterns.
Initially, a dismissive avoidant might welcome the no contact period. They may feel a sense of relief or even elation, finally free from the perceived demands of the relationship. However, as time goes on, this “separation elation” can fade, potentially triggering feelings of loss or regret.
It seems counterintuitive, but no contact can be more effective with avoidants than with anxiously attached individuals. Anxious types may interpret no contact as abandonment, fueling their insecurities. Avoidants, on the other hand, may initially see it as a confirmation of their need for independence, but that doesn’t mean it won’t eventually prompt them to look inward and consider what they’ve lost. This period of solitude offers them a chance for personal growth and a deeper understanding of their own relational patterns.
How long should no contact last with a dismissive avoidant?
That’s a tricky question with no easy answer, because every person and every relationship is different. But here are a few general guidelines to consider as you decide what’s right for you. Remember, these are just starting points, not guarantees of success.
The 45-day rule: A good starting point
Many relationship experts suggest a 45-day no-contact period as a potential way to capitalize on what may be a vulnerable time for your ex after the initial breakup. The idea is to give them enough time to work through the “separation elation” phase that many people experience after a split. This is the time when they are feeling good about being free and independent, excited about the future, and not missing you at all.
After 45 days, that feeling may have faded, and they may be starting to realize what they’ve lost. That’s when you might have a better chance of reconnecting and having a meaningful conversation.
But it’s important to remember that this is just a guideline. It’s not a magic number that will automatically make your ex miss you and want you back. It’s simply a starting point for observation. After 45 days, assess the situation and decide whether it’s time to reach out or whether you need to give them more space.
The 90-day rule: A more comprehensive approach
Some experts, including clinical psychologists, recommend a longer no-contact period of 90 days. The rationale here is similar to the idea behind habit formation or onboarding at a new job. It takes time to adjust to a new reality, to process emotions, and to make lasting changes.
You may have heard that it takes 21 days to form a habit, but more recent research suggests it’s closer to 66 days. So, a 90-day period of no contact could provide enough time for your ex to process their emotions, reflect on the relationship, and potentially begin to change their behavior patterns.
Factors that influence the duration
Ultimately, the length of the no-contact period will depend on a variety of factors, including:
- The length and intensity of the relationship
- The circumstances surrounding the breakup
- Your ex’s level of self-awareness and willingness to change
- The presence of other life stressors
Consider these factors carefully as you decide how long to maintain no contact. And most importantly, listen to your own intuition and do what feels right for you. This is about your healing and growth, as well as the potential for reconciliation.
What To Do After the Initial No-Contact Period
So, you’ve completed the initial no-contact period. Now what? It’s time to assess the situation and decide how to proceed. Has your ex reached out? Have you heard through friends or seen on social media that they seem to be missing you? Look for signals that they may be reflecting on the relationship and their role in its demise.
If you are getting positive signals, proceed with caution. This isn’t a green light to bombard them with emotions or a list of expectations. Instead, focus on building a connection based on mutual respect and understanding. Keep the tone light and positive.
However, what if you get negative signals or, worse, no response at all? It’s tough, but you might need to extend the no-contact period. If things still don’t improve, you may have to accept that reconciliation isn’t in the cards. As painful as it is, sometimes the best thing you can do is let go.
Regardless of the outcome, remember to prioritize self-care. Focus on healing, growth, and moving forward. You deserve happiness, whether it’s with your ex or on your own.
Important Considerations and Potential Pitfalls
Before you commit to a period of no contact, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, be aware that some people will attempt to manipulate you into breaking the no contact rule without actually taking responsibility for their actions or showing genuine remorse. Don’t fall for it and avoid these mistakes.
Second, even if you eventually want to reconcile, it’s critical to establish and maintain clear boundaries. This protects you and ensures that any future relationship is healthier.
Third, understanding your own attachment style is crucial. Are you anxious, avoidant, or secure? Your attachment style will influence how you interpret the dismissive avoidant’s behavior and your own reactions. Recognizing your tendencies can help you navigate the situation more effectively.
Finally, consider seeking professional guidance. A therapist can provide support, help you process complex emotions, and offer insights into your relationship patterns. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you’re struggling.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long should I go no contact with a dismissive avoidant?
There’s no magic number. The length of a no-contact period with a dismissive avoidant depends on your goals. If you’re seeking reconciliation, a shorter period (a few weeks to a month) might be enough to create space. However, if your goal is to move on and heal, a longer, indefinite no-contact period is usually recommended. Focus on your own well-being and use the time to detach emotionally.
How long does a dismissive avoidant pull away for?
The duration of a dismissive avoidant’s pull-away varies. It could be a few days, weeks, or even months. The trigger is usually feeling overwhelmed by intimacy or vulnerability. Their pull-away is a defense mechanism to regain a sense of independence and control. Trying to force them back will likely push them further away. Give them space to process their feelings and return when they feel ready.
How long does it take for dismissive avoidants to miss you?
This is highly variable and there’s no guarantee they will miss you in the way you hope. Dismissive avoidants are often skilled at suppressing emotions and convincing themselves they don’t need others. They might intellectualize the situation rather than feeling it. It’s possible they might not consciously miss you at all, or it could take a very long time. Focus on your own healing and don’t base your actions on the hope that they’ll miss you.
In Closing
Understanding the dismissive-avoidant attachment style is key to navigating the complexities of a relationship with someone who exhibits this pattern. When you’re trying to figure out the right length of time to go no-contact, remember that the 45-day or 90-day rules are just guidelines, not hard-and-fast rules.
Whatever you decide, use the time for self-reflection, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care. This can be a challenging and uncertain process, but whether it leads to reconciliation or personal growth, there’s potential for a positive outcome.
No-contact is an emotionally charged strategy that may not be right for all situations. However, it can be a powerful tool if used carefully and thoughtfully.